I Am Weak
Everything has come full circle. Just as I suspected. I am writing to say that I am weak. I am brave and I am weak. I am still in the transitional phase of this move and it is wearing on me mentally. I am feeling overwhelmed, defeated, deflated, sad, anxious, and scared. I have all of these feelings and emotions going on inside of me, whirring around in my mind, and I have no idea how to explain them, let alone act on them in a positive manner. I have been more tired and unmotivated since starting work. (Let's just say that my brain didn't have to work much in my previous job, and here it does!) I have been moody, and sad, and down right crabby. I have held in tears and I have let the tears flow. I have ignored these emotions and put on a brave face, but I can't anymore.
Maybe part of it is that not having had any major responsibilities [other than caring for myself] since December is weighing on me. Maybe I'm second guessing this decision to move. Maybe I'm afraid I will never see my husband again. Maybe I'm scared of this adventure and my joy has been masking that fear. Maybe I just want to give up.
I have so much going on inside of my little brain that I am forgetting things I would've never forgotten before. I am going to bed early for no other reason that wanting to nothing except for sleep. Which is stupid because I can't sleep well at all since coming here. And now that I have started to I am leaving this home. I miss Wrigley when I am not at home with him, like hardcore miss him to the point of wanting to just cry. It's stupid.
It's hard for me to admit that I am breaking down because I feel like people will just start saying "I told you so". I had no intention of admitting that I was falling apart, until I realized that I wear my bad days on my face even when I try hard to put a mask on. It doesn't matter that nobody in the world can see that except for me [when I walk by a mirror.] It doesn't matter that I did a huge thing for somebody living with anxiety disorder. It doesn't matter that I am going to bed and waking up alone when I am a married woman. It doesn't matter to anyone, at least nobody that tells me it matters. I don't want to say the words "I can't" because I won't get any encouragement. I am not admitting that I am weak for anyone's sake except for myself and it hurts. I can't carry the world on my shoulders, I can't push my anxiety aside because I know someone else out there has more going on and I should be grateful, I can't pretend that I am happy living 1,000 miles away from the other half of my heart. I am human. And I am weak. I am trying to convince myself that admitting weakness doesn't mean I am unhappy here. I love it here, I really do. But when you move cross country by yourself I feel like these "things" (whatever these "things" are) are part of the deal. And it's okay to have these up and down emotions.
What I am doing in my life is a GIANT accomplishment for someone who lives by a schedule as much as possible, thrives off of routine, and doesn't adapt well to major change. I removed myself from all things familiar, comfortable, and safe and jumped into an unknown environment. Overall I feel like I have done pretty well, and that it actually has gone way better than anyone probably anticipated. But I am human and I am not perfect. If I wasn't afraid of all of the I told you so's that I fear are on the tips of many people's tongues, I probably wouldn't have waited so long to admit that. This is what happens when you don't have positives vibes coming from the get go. So many people had a negative response to the news that we were moving, and those negative vibes have followed me. I mean, why should I succeed at anything? Why would I do something so major and have it actually turn out well for me? Why do I deserve for anything good to happen? What have I ever done to earn my happiness? I don't always know the answers to those questions.
I am weak. And I am brave. I am sad. I am so full of joy. I am happy. I am scared. I have anxiety.
Maybe part of it is that not having had any major responsibilities [other than caring for myself] since December is weighing on me. Maybe I'm second guessing this decision to move. Maybe I'm afraid I will never see my husband again. Maybe I'm scared of this adventure and my joy has been masking that fear. Maybe I just want to give up.
I have so much going on inside of my little brain that I am forgetting things I would've never forgotten before. I am going to bed early for no other reason that wanting to nothing except for sleep. Which is stupid because I can't sleep well at all since coming here. And now that I have started to I am leaving this home. I miss Wrigley when I am not at home with him, like hardcore miss him to the point of wanting to just cry. It's stupid.
It's hard for me to admit that I am breaking down because I feel like people will just start saying "I told you so". I had no intention of admitting that I was falling apart, until I realized that I wear my bad days on my face even when I try hard to put a mask on. It doesn't matter that nobody in the world can see that except for me [when I walk by a mirror.] It doesn't matter that I did a huge thing for somebody living with anxiety disorder. It doesn't matter that I am going to bed and waking up alone when I am a married woman. It doesn't matter to anyone, at least nobody that tells me it matters. I don't want to say the words "I can't" because I won't get any encouragement. I am not admitting that I am weak for anyone's sake except for myself and it hurts. I can't carry the world on my shoulders, I can't push my anxiety aside because I know someone else out there has more going on and I should be grateful, I can't pretend that I am happy living 1,000 miles away from the other half of my heart. I am human. And I am weak. I am trying to convince myself that admitting weakness doesn't mean I am unhappy here. I love it here, I really do. But when you move cross country by yourself I feel like these "things" (whatever these "things" are) are part of the deal. And it's okay to have these up and down emotions.
What I am doing in my life is a GIANT accomplishment for someone who lives by a schedule as much as possible, thrives off of routine, and doesn't adapt well to major change. I removed myself from all things familiar, comfortable, and safe and jumped into an unknown environment. Overall I feel like I have done pretty well, and that it actually has gone way better than anyone probably anticipated. But I am human and I am not perfect. If I wasn't afraid of all of the I told you so's that I fear are on the tips of many people's tongues, I probably wouldn't have waited so long to admit that. This is what happens when you don't have positives vibes coming from the get go. So many people had a negative response to the news that we were moving, and those negative vibes have followed me. I mean, why should I succeed at anything? Why would I do something so major and have it actually turn out well for me? Why do I deserve for anything good to happen? What have I ever done to earn my happiness? I don't always know the answers to those questions.
I am weak. And I am brave. I am sad. I am so full of joy. I am happy. I am scared. I have anxiety.
Comments
Post a Comment