Posts

The Bump

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I'm not as good keeping my own secrets as I am at keeping other people's. When it's a secret that can only be hidden for a few months that kind of throws some wrenches in the as well. Plus, I'm bursting with joy inside and that is something worth sharing.

On 9.12.17 I fell head over heals in love, again. Matthew and I found out about 7 weeks that we are expecting. I can't say it was planned, I can't say it wasn't planned. It was a welcomed surprise, that we honestly weren't expecting. While we had been trying we were not doing like they show in the movies, ya know, tracking my body temperature and the time of day I was most fertile. I don't know how people have time for that business, but good for them! So anyways, it was on a weekend when we found out and for that reason I peed on several different brands of pregnancy tests to just make extra sure. I did not have any of the typical symptoms (morning sickness) but I will say, my boobs have never hur…

Breaking The Silence

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I've been quiet lately. I have started several drafts but just haven't had it in me to finish and post any of them. It's not because I don't have anything to say, I always have plenty. I think my lack of writing has been more to do with feeling like I need to live in silence and not share my struggles with the world. Like I overshare, or give people false perceptions of who I am. All reasons that are completely ridiculous. Anxiety seemed to have hijacked my thought process and sent me into a pit of self doubt. Why would I doubt that I should continue to share my walk including successes as well as failures? I've been doing it for awhile now and have had a handful of people reach out to me to thank me (and a few who have given unsolicited advice, which is inventible.)

I have been thinking a lot about this and processing why I suddenly went quiet and I came up with a few hypothesis. About six weeks ago I finished a round of group therapy. Nobody except for my husband…

Prove It

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Through learning to be mindful and all of that jazz I have recognized one more thing about myself that I have never been cognizant of . I've probably been doing it for quite a long time, maybe even years, without having any idea. This thing, this (bad) habit of mine that I am speaking of is believing I have to prove myself to everyone. Prove that I know what I am talking about, prove that I am a good person, prove that I know I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing, prove my feelings. Pretty much defend and back up my every thought and action. I wish that I could just do things, say things, learn things, and know things without having to put it all out there so that people might believe in me. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is constantly trying to convince people (especially idiots) that what you're feelings is real, no matter if they understand it or not? Let me tell you, it's depleting. I can't just feel or be or do without the follow up explanation. I d…

Weighted Blankets and Floor Beds and Jesus Music

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Two hours ago I was almost asleep. Something woke me up and now here I am. Fighting the anxiety that is keeping me awake. I attempted my usual go to of getting my headphones and turning on my Jesus Music. After tossing and turning for an hour I got up and moved to the couch. I wasn't able to get comfortable there and my anxiety was only getting worse, so I went to the last resort, I made a floor bed. I gathered pillows and blankets and crawled underneath my newest anti anxiety tool. A weighted blanket. I have been wanting one for quite some time but they are so spendy that I just couldn't bring myself to spend the money. I had a guilty conscience about wanting to buy something so expensive when I already spend a lot of money going to therapy, buying coloring books, headphones that drown out the sound, the right clothes that help me maintain a steady body heat, and so many other little things that add up. A couple of weeks ago something told me to check eBay and I found one tha…

Success Is Not a Thing

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I've been trying to sort things out in a way I could make sense of them in a blog post. I was briefly texting back and fort with a friend recently and told him that I felt like I needed to write, as it had been awhile. I jokingly asked if he had a request of a topic. He responded with "Write about something you would consider a success of yours lately, something that made you happy." What a concept! I've been trying to think of something, ANYTHING, positive to post about for awhile now. Doing so has made me painfully more aware of how much easier it is to focus on the negative than the positive. I think I was so focused on believing that being happy or feeling successful had to relate to something concrete. Like a big accomplishment at work, or achieving a goal. Because I have been trying really hard to be fully present and in the moment when I am feeling happy or excited about something I was also having trouble pointing to something that has "made me happy&quo…

Its Not Me. It's YOU.

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I am in a perpetual state of fight or flight. I am always going straight to negative self talk. I cry in my car and yell out loud to myself "What is wrong with me?!" I believe I am not good enough for anyone or any anything. I am a continual work in progress. I know that, but I can't always believe that. When I'm in a high state of anxiety I forget that I am doing extremely hard work. I discount all of the work I have done. I tell myself I'm not doing everything I should be doing. There is more I need to do, better ways to deal, cope, I need to be thriving instead of just surviving.

I blame myself. All of the time. For everything. I blame myself for things you say to me. I blame myself for failing out of college. I think it's my fault people have walked out of my life. I search for a reason to blame myself for all of the pain, both physical and emotional, that have been afflicted on me. I take the blame for people's misunderstandings of me. I internalize…

Note to self: Take More Vacations!

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For anyone who follows me on Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat you are likely well aware of my recent vacation. I went to the beach! I SAW THE OCEAN FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I FELL IN LOVE!!! If you haven't watched the video of me seeing said ocean for the first time, you should go check it out. I had no idea Matthew was recording me so it is a 100% genuinely real response to my reaction. It's pure joy!

I was trying to think of how to relate this blog post to my anxiety but I decided against it. Instead I want to take this time to say that our vacation was EXACTLY what I needed. I was as carefree and worry free as I've been in months, if not a year or more. I only had one or two major spikes in anxiety and I was able to self regulate. I had no schedule, or routine, or agenda. I was able to go with the flow, plan my day after I slept in and ate breakfast, and actually agree to last minute ideas. Not a very common theme for me. We met up with one of my best friends, her boyfri…