I can't do it all. I want to do it all. I think I can do it all. But I can't. And I shouldn't. Especially since I am 21 weeks along with baby boy Menely.

I never understood people when they said or talked about how much they just loved being pregnant. While I haven't been around or close to that many mama's to be, it always seemed like the stories they told were the next thing to a horror story. Let me tell you. I love being pregnant. That doesn't mean that it's been easy, though. I contribute this "love" to not having to experience any morning sickness, no bleeding, cramping, or other pains that required a doctor call or worry. No major food aversions or strange cravings (yet...there's still time for that one.) And other than unreal heart burn in the beginning (TUMS were my best friend) and boobs so sore it hurt to even move, I have very minimal complaints. At my check up and anatomy scan earlier this week I was still three pounds under my b…

It Could Be [Worse]

I am starting to come out of a very dark place, one I have been in for the past 6 weeks or so. It's a good feeling, but I know it's not the end.

For the last month or more it has been one thing after another. I have been going through the stages of grief without having lost anything physical (never realized that was possible) I started out being in denial that all of these terrible things could happen. It started when we lost an opportunity we had really been planning on, as it was something we were told to expect. After that blow came another lost opportunity. That's when the anger kicked in. I was SO angry. I was angry at the world, and everyone who's path I crossed. I was angry at God. I was angry at him for giving us this amazing baby boy growing inside of me, and then taking away two extremely deserved opportunities. I was really angry at all of the people involved in these missed opportunities, and I was even more angry at the reasons behind them. Both of those …

Year Three

For three years now I have been trying to figure out why people are so quick to talk about how tough marriage is, and how hard the first year is, and "oh wait until you're married and this that and the other happens." Today Matthew and I celebrate (not literally-we're old) our 3rd anniversary. In the three years we have been married, and the six months leading up to the big day, we have faced many more obstacles and challenges than you would believe. Between moving, (Matthew) starting a new job, and me being unemployed for eight months, we knocked out some of the toughest things couples go through. Of course it all came with arguments, tears, nights of sleeping separately, stress, etc., There were also a lot of laughter, love, and appreciation for each other. We weathered those storms with communication (both verbal and non verbal!) and grace, if you will.

Year one of marriage was pretty great. I was finally gainfully employed, and while that job slowly started to t…

The Bump

I'm not as good keeping my own secrets as I am at keeping other people's. When it's a secret that can only be hidden for a few months that kind of throws some wrenches in the as well. Plus, I'm bursting with joy inside and that is something worth sharing.

On 9.12.17 I fell head over heals in love, again. Matthew and I found out about 7 weeks that we are expecting. I can't say it was planned, I can't say it wasn't planned. It was a welcomed surprise, that we honestly weren't expecting. While we had been trying we were not doing like they show in the movies, ya know, tracking my body temperature and the time of day I was most fertile. I don't know how people have time for that business, but good for them! So anyways, it was on a weekend when we found out and for that reason I peed on several different brands of pregnancy tests to just make extra sure. I did not have any of the typical symptoms (morning sickness) but I will say, my boobs have never hur…

Breaking The Silence

I've been quiet lately. I have started several drafts but just haven't had it in me to finish and post any of them. It's not because I don't have anything to say, I always have plenty. I think my lack of writing has been more to do with feeling like I need to live in silence and not share my struggles with the world. Like I overshare, or give people false perceptions of who I am. All reasons that are completely ridiculous. Anxiety seemed to have hijacked my thought process and sent me into a pit of self doubt. Why would I doubt that I should continue to share my walk including successes as well as failures? I've been doing it for awhile now and have had a handful of people reach out to me to thank me (and a few who have given unsolicited advice, which is inventible.)

I have been thinking a lot about this and processing why I suddenly went quiet and I came up with a few hypothesis. About six weeks ago I finished a round of group therapy. Nobody except for my husband…

Prove It

Through learning to be mindful and all of that jazz I have recognized one more thing about myself that I have never been cognizant of . I've probably been doing it for quite a long time, maybe even years, without having any idea. This thing, this (bad) habit of mine that I am speaking of is believing I have to prove myself to everyone. Prove that I know what I am talking about, prove that I am a good person, prove that I know I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing, prove my feelings. Pretty much defend and back up my every thought and action. I wish that I could just do things, say things, learn things, and know things without having to put it all out there so that people might believe in me. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is constantly trying to convince people (especially idiots) that what you're feelings is real, no matter if they understand it or not? Let me tell you, it's depleting. I can't just feel or be or do without the follow up explanation. I d…

Weighted Blankets and Floor Beds and Jesus Music

Two hours ago I was almost asleep. Something woke me up and now here I am. Fighting the anxiety that is keeping me awake. I attempted my usual go to of getting my headphones and turning on my Jesus Music. After tossing and turning for an hour I got up and moved to the couch. I wasn't able to get comfortable there and my anxiety was only getting worse, so I went to the last resort, I made a floor bed. I gathered pillows and blankets and crawled underneath my newest anti anxiety tool. A weighted blanket. I have been wanting one for quite some time but they are so spendy that I just couldn't bring myself to spend the money. I had a guilty conscience about wanting to buy something so expensive when I already spend a lot of money going to therapy, buying coloring books, headphones that drown out the sound, the right clothes that help me maintain a steady body heat, and so many other little things that add up. A couple of weeks ago something told me to check eBay and I found one tha…