Posts

New Year, New Adventures

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The older and wiser I get the more I start to loath the end of the year. It seems like once Thanksgiving ends and December rolls around everyone starts complaining about the year that is winding down and claiming to be so excited about "the shittiest year ever" ending. At one point in my life, probably not long ago, I was on that bandwagon. Every year I was thinking about how I just couldn't wait to end the worst year of my life and start a new year with a clean slate. I'm not like that anymore. I actually am incredibly irritated by all of the social media posts from people leading up to the new year about how bad the last 12 months were and they just don't see how next year could be any worse. I have personally made a very conscience effort to quite focusing on the bad shit that happened during the year, because let's face it, bad things are always going to happen whether we like it or not. I don't think Matthew and I have a caught a break in months, it&…

Pregnancy

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There are several things I'm open about all of the time. There are also some things that I am not as open about because I still believe I will be judged or shamed if I am. But, it's time for me to tell the world that pregnancy is hard. Yes I have had a very smooth 23 weeks when it comes to sickness, complications, potential abnormalities and all of that stuff. But mentally (and even physically) this experience is beginning to take it's toll on me. I don't think I have that "glow" that everyone talks about, and I honestly haven't even gained any weight except for in my belly (I hear that one often!) But what I have been internalizing and faking my way through, for several different reasons, is that it's hard. It's hard on me mentally, and it's hard on me physically in different ways. I do recognize that I had a few things against me when I started this journey (one that my husband and I chose so I am in no way saying any of this in a negative l…

S-T-U-B-B-O-R-N

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I can't do it all. I want to do it all. I think I can do it all. But I can't. And I shouldn't. Especially since I am 21 weeks along with baby boy Menely.

I never understood people when they said or talked about how much they just loved being pregnant. While I haven't been around or close to that many mama's to be, it always seemed like the stories they told were the next thing to a horror story. Let me tell you. I love being pregnant. That doesn't mean that it's been easy, though. I contribute this "love" to not having to experience any morning sickness, no bleeding, cramping, or other pains that required a doctor call or worry. No major food aversions or strange cravings (yet...there's still time for that one.) And other than unreal heart burn in the beginning (TUMS were my best friend) and boobs so sore it hurt to even move, I have very minimal complaints. At my check up and anatomy scan earlier this week I was still three pounds under my b…

It Could Be [Worse]

I am starting to come out of a very dark place, one I have been in for the past 6 weeks or so. It's a good feeling, but I know it's not the end.

For the last month or more it has been one thing after another. I have been going through the stages of grief without having lost anything physical (never realized that was possible) I started out being in denial that all of these terrible things could happen. It started when we lost an opportunity we had really been planning on, as it was something we were told to expect. After that blow came another lost opportunity. That's when the anger kicked in. I was SO angry. I was angry at the world, and everyone who's path I crossed. I was angry at God. I was angry at him for giving us this amazing baby boy growing inside of me, and then taking away two extremely deserved opportunities. I was really angry at all of the people involved in these missed opportunities, and I was even more angry at the reasons behind them. Both of those …

Year Three

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For three years now I have been trying to figure out why people are so quick to talk about how tough marriage is, and how hard the first year is, and "oh wait until you're married and this that and the other happens." Today Matthew and I celebrate (not literally-we're old) our 3rd anniversary. In the three years we have been married, and the six months leading up to the big day, we have faced many more obstacles and challenges than you would believe. Between moving, (Matthew) starting a new job, and me being unemployed for eight months, we knocked out some of the toughest things couples go through. Of course it all came with arguments, tears, nights of sleeping separately, stress, etc., There were also a lot of laughter, love, and appreciation for each other. We weathered those storms with communication (both verbal and non verbal!) and grace, if you will.

Year one of marriage was pretty great. I was finally gainfully employed, and while that job slowly started to t…

The Bump

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I'm not as good keeping my own secrets as I am at keeping other people's. When it's a secret that can only be hidden for a few months that kind of throws some wrenches in the as well. Plus, I'm bursting with joy inside and that is something worth sharing.

On 9.12.17 I fell head over heals in love, again. Matthew and I found out about 7 weeks that we are expecting. I can't say it was planned, I can't say it wasn't planned. It was a welcomed surprise, that we honestly weren't expecting. While we had been trying we were not doing like they show in the movies, ya know, tracking my body temperature and the time of day I was most fertile. I don't know how people have time for that business, but good for them! So anyways, it was on a weekend when we found out and for that reason I peed on several different brands of pregnancy tests to just make extra sure. I did not have any of the typical symptoms (morning sickness) but I will say, my boobs have never hur…

Breaking The Silence

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I've been quiet lately. I have started several drafts but just haven't had it in me to finish and post any of them. It's not because I don't have anything to say, I always have plenty. I think my lack of writing has been more to do with feeling like I need to live in silence and not share my struggles with the world. Like I overshare, or give people false perceptions of who I am. All reasons that are completely ridiculous. Anxiety seemed to have hijacked my thought process and sent me into a pit of self doubt. Why would I doubt that I should continue to share my walk including successes as well as failures? I've been doing it for awhile now and have had a handful of people reach out to me to thank me (and a few who have given unsolicited advice, which is inventible.)

I have been thinking a lot about this and processing why I suddenly went quiet and I came up with a few hypothesis. About six weeks ago I finished a round of group therapy. Nobody except for my husband…