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Happy Hearts and a Full Bed

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I am thankful. I am grateful. And I AM blessed. I am all of these things all of the time, no matter how tired or anxious or defeated I may be feeling. It isn't always easy to acknowledge these things, but they have never left.

The past month or so I have been emotionally beating myself up over things that just don't seem to be clicking with Theo, in particular his eating and sleeping habits. Theo is a little squired, he was 6.14 at birth and went down to 6.2 within the first couple of weeks. It feels like he has been playing catch up ever since. He is nearing the nine month mark in age and isn't even on the growth chart curve for his age.( I take that back, the kid's head circumference seems to be okay!) He weighs in around 15 pounds, soaking wet diaper and fully clothed. He still comfortably wears 0-3 month pants and onesies. I probably wouldn't pay any attention to any of this if I didn't have someone comment "he's a fresh one" every.where.we.g…

Bad Mom

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I sound like a broken record. To myself and most likely to everyone else I communicate with. It's as if I am stuck in this season of life with an infant. I constantly beat myself up mentally for not being strong enough to be a good mom. I tell myself that I wanted to be a mom so I need to suck it up and move on with the hard days, the sleepless nights, the endless dishes and laundry and stop complaining about it. But the thing is, I don't HATE those things. I absolutely love being a mom and I would not change being Theo's mommy for the entire world. But ya'll, I am exhausted. I crave some sort of consistency and routine in my day to day responsibilities, and throwing in an unpredictable 7.5 month old (who is now mobile!) has been a tricky adjustment. I never know much and how well Theo is going to sleep at night. I never know where he's going to sleep at night. I don't know how clingy he's going to be and how much of my time I have to spend holding and roc…

"The" and not "My"

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I started this post a few weeks ago, and just couldn't figure out where to go with it. In the time between when I started it and now I have been extremely mindful of this and my wording around how I am feeling. And I can tell you that I feel exactly how I was hoping I would. It's almost a feeling of freedom. It's really amazing what a shift in thought patterns can do. It's not to say that I am not experiencing the crippling anxiety and all that goes along with that; but I feel much more confident in my ability to fight.

Something that I say all of the time when referring to how anxious I am or what I'm feeling is "my anxiety is super high." I never realized I was even saying that but I've definitely been more mindful of it as of late. I noticed that when I own the anxiety as if it is part of me, it makes me feel less empowered. Less empowered to fight through it, accept the feelings that come with anxiety, and much less motivation to be so resilient…

[Anything But] Calm

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If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that I am "so calm" I think I could retire early.

The truth is. I am anything BUT calm. What people perceive as calmness (in me) is really just me internalizing nearly crippling anxiety OR simply shutting out feelings. See, I feel like a broken record. Like nobody wants to listen to me because I complain about the same things over and over. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm exhausted. Blah blah blah. Part of that is me subconsciously seeking out validation for how I feel. I have this terrible habit of telling myself that the way I feel is wrong and I should be stronger and braver and MORE. More ambitious, more productive, more organized, accomplished, optimistic smarter, happier. Nobody tells me any of those things. I know its my brain lying to me, and I should tell it to shut up, but it's not always that easy.

I'm worn out. And I'm doing it to myself. I second guess myself all of the time. I have gone down …

Babble

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I'm tired, exhausted really, to my very core. Every emotion that I feel is real and it's raw and it's hard to process. By the time I am able to process what may have triggered or caused me to feel that way, I am on to the next emotion.
I’m tired of trying to do it all, knowing I can’t do it all, but being unable to stop trying to do it all. This has been a struggle for me since the day Theo entered this world. The media (social and otherwise) is so good at plastering all of these "amazing mom" articles and pictures everywhere, making it LOOK easy. It's not easy, and those people they are talking about are rich and have paid people helping them.
I’m tired of not knowing what I need when someone says “How can I help?” OR maybe more accurately, being too stubborn to allow them to help.
I’m tired of knowing I am on a never-ending quest for perfectionism and appreciation and self-worth and value. And guess whose idea of perfection I am striving for? My own. My own …

Finding The Balance

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I've been having a really hard time figuring out how to balance everything I am responsible for since going back to work in June. I knew it was going to be an adjustment but what I didn't expect was the complete lack of desire to put any amount of energy into anything other than being a mom. This does not mean I wish I could be a full time stay at home mom, by any means. I think it's more of missing the time with Theo and wanting to make up for that at the end of the day when I get home, thus putting off every other responsibility I have. I don't know that this is necessarily a bad thing, but I know it could lead to some unhealthy habits; especially with my stellar ability to neglect self care and being real good at isolating. For some stupid reason I feel like I need to defend myself and that I am choosing to make Theo my number one priority because I believe that is my duty as his mom.

I can't seem to make sense of what is in my head when I try to explain it, so…

They Say Fed is Best

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Fed is best. At least, that's what you hear people say even if they don't really mean it and are just trying to be nice. The pressure on women to breastfeed is so overwhelming. It doesn't matter what frame of mind you go into the journey thinking, you will still feel all of the pressure and judgment you told yourself you wouldn't let bother you.

I guess I don't know why it's anyone's business to know how you plan to feed your child, but it's one of the most asked questions when you are pregnant. I'm currently in a secluded office at work, pumping so I can do what needs to be done for my boy. Every time I plug in my pump and get myself hooked up my anxiety sky rockets. I could be having the calmest moment in the history of my calm moments, and the minute this machine starts doing it's work I am panicky, sweaty, racing heart, etc. I started pumping and freezing my supply back in April so when Theo started daycare he could have breast milk during …