Grieving is not something I have ever been good at. It's not that I haven't suffered any loss in my life, because there has certainly been plenty (even one loss is plenty, honestly) it's something else that I can't quite put my finger on. I am fortunate in that I haven't lost a person in my life, in the sense that they are no longer physically alive, in quite a few years. The last people I did lose were older relatives, which I think is different than someone you were close to on a work and personal level.
So, here I am trying to figure out how to grieve the very sudden and even more tragic loss of the closest co worker I've probably ever had in Austin. And I don't know how to grieve her loss. She was in a tragic accident on Sunday, and her name was released yesterday afternoon. It was her and her daughter in her vehicle and neither of them survived. Christa was such a bright and happy person. Sure she was 20 years older than me but our connection was perfect. I've never felt so welcomed into someone's life the way I did with Christa.When we finished training and she wasn't so confident in herself and being able to do the job, I would pack up my stuff and go to her house to sit with her in her home office and work. I'd answer her questions and walk her through stuff that she couldn't remember how to do. We talked every day and had lunch together at least once a week. Which took reaching out to coordinate as we both work from home. She never once questioned my integrity or my thoughts. She didn't judge me when I would vent to her. And most importantly she believed in me and my work. She was an RN and many of the kids we work with deal with more mental health issues than physical, and for her that was foreign territory. She never hesitated to ask me for my opinion or thoughts or ideas on a tough case. She trusted me and my ability to guide her and the family she was helping in the right direction. She wanted the best for her members and even went as far as contacting the news to try to set up a meet and greet with Willie Nelson for a little girl who loves Willie and her lifelong dream is to meet him. In the same way she was always a jabber or a phone call away for any nursing related questions I had. The last conversation I had with her was on Friday, when she was checking in on how Theo had been doing ( he had been running a fever/been sick for 3 days.) She gave me her "nurse mom" advice and made sure I was following her recommendations.
When yesterday morning rolled around and our manager asked me if I had heard from her in the past couple of days I knew something wasn't right. I told her that I had sent her several Jabber messages both Monday and Tuesday with no answers as well as a text message to see if everything was okay. When that went unanswered I called her. Her phone went straight to voicemail and had a message saying "the person you are calling does not have a voice mailbox that is set up." that's when I knew in my gut that no, everything was not okay. What I didn't expect was to pull up the news just minutes later and see that the names of the victims in the fatal accident that happened 48 hours prior, would be Christa and her 19 year old daughter.
Everything reminds me of her. Her sense of humor, her knowledge, her southern bell accent, her stories, the way she just had a way of lighting up a room. We would spend so much time jabbering about non-work related stuff that sometimes we felt guilty and had to remind ourselves that breaks are needed! She was my source of workplace gossip because, just like me, she had to be nosey when there were rumors going around. I can't just send her an instant message anymore asking her for ideas about a goal, or who to call for Speech Therapy, or what to do when Theo's sick. I can't do that anymore and it makes me so angry. I know the stages of grief are cyclical and don't follow the same order for everyone but I can say right now my heart is broken, I am angry, and I am in denial. I'm in denial that this happened to somebody I was close to. I'm in denial that it happened the way it did, (and angry because it was the other driver who hit her head on) and I'm confused. Why her? Why her daughter? Why them? Yes, the other driver was also killed, but that doesn't make it better or easier to process than if he hadn't been killed.
When it comes to this what I end up doing is pushing my grief so far down and tell myself that "life goes on" and carry on the best I can. Until that unmanaged, unprocessed grief comes up weeks or days later and I just shove it even farther down. Maybe I feel like I don 't deserve to grieve her loss? I mean, I only knew her for seven months, the rest of her family and friends have known her much longer. Maybe I am attaching shame to grief and that's why I don't do it well. I don't know. But what I do know is this. Life is so precious and so short. I will miss Christa everyday of the rest of my life, I have no doubt. Christa made that much of an impact on me and I won't ever forget her.
So, here I am trying to figure out how to grieve the very sudden and even more tragic loss of the closest co worker I've probably ever had in Austin. And I don't know how to grieve her loss. She was in a tragic accident on Sunday, and her name was released yesterday afternoon. It was her and her daughter in her vehicle and neither of them survived. Christa was such a bright and happy person. Sure she was 20 years older than me but our connection was perfect. I've never felt so welcomed into someone's life the way I did with Christa.When we finished training and she wasn't so confident in herself and being able to do the job, I would pack up my stuff and go to her house to sit with her in her home office and work. I'd answer her questions and walk her through stuff that she couldn't remember how to do. We talked every day and had lunch together at least once a week. Which took reaching out to coordinate as we both work from home. She never once questioned my integrity or my thoughts. She didn't judge me when I would vent to her. And most importantly she believed in me and my work. She was an RN and many of the kids we work with deal with more mental health issues than physical, and for her that was foreign territory. She never hesitated to ask me for my opinion or thoughts or ideas on a tough case. She trusted me and my ability to guide her and the family she was helping in the right direction. She wanted the best for her members and even went as far as contacting the news to try to set up a meet and greet with Willie Nelson for a little girl who loves Willie and her lifelong dream is to meet him. In the same way she was always a jabber or a phone call away for any nursing related questions I had. The last conversation I had with her was on Friday, when she was checking in on how Theo had been doing ( he had been running a fever/been sick for 3 days.) She gave me her "nurse mom" advice and made sure I was following her recommendations.
When yesterday morning rolled around and our manager asked me if I had heard from her in the past couple of days I knew something wasn't right. I told her that I had sent her several Jabber messages both Monday and Tuesday with no answers as well as a text message to see if everything was okay. When that went unanswered I called her. Her phone went straight to voicemail and had a message saying "the person you are calling does not have a voice mailbox that is set up." that's when I knew in my gut that no, everything was not okay. What I didn't expect was to pull up the news just minutes later and see that the names of the victims in the fatal accident that happened 48 hours prior, would be Christa and her 19 year old daughter.
Everything reminds me of her. Her sense of humor, her knowledge, her southern bell accent, her stories, the way she just had a way of lighting up a room. We would spend so much time jabbering about non-work related stuff that sometimes we felt guilty and had to remind ourselves that breaks are needed! She was my source of workplace gossip because, just like me, she had to be nosey when there were rumors going around. I can't just send her an instant message anymore asking her for ideas about a goal, or who to call for Speech Therapy, or what to do when Theo's sick. I can't do that anymore and it makes me so angry. I know the stages of grief are cyclical and don't follow the same order for everyone but I can say right now my heart is broken, I am angry, and I am in denial. I'm in denial that this happened to somebody I was close to. I'm in denial that it happened the way it did, (and angry because it was the other driver who hit her head on) and I'm confused. Why her? Why her daughter? Why them? Yes, the other driver was also killed, but that doesn't make it better or easier to process than if he hadn't been killed.
When it comes to this what I end up doing is pushing my grief so far down and tell myself that "life goes on" and carry on the best I can. Until that unmanaged, unprocessed grief comes up weeks or days later and I just shove it even farther down. Maybe I feel like I don 't deserve to grieve her loss? I mean, I only knew her for seven months, the rest of her family and friends have known her much longer. Maybe I am attaching shame to grief and that's why I don't do it well. I don't know. But what I do know is this. Life is so precious and so short. I will miss Christa everyday of the rest of my life, I have no doubt. Christa made that much of an impact on me and I won't ever forget her.
"Nothing you would take,
Everything you gave.
Love you till I die,
Meet you on the other side"
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