Broken Crayons Still Color

Two hours ago I was almost asleep. Something woke me up and now here I am. Fighting the anxiety that is keeping me awake. I attempted my usual go to of getting my headphones and turning on my Jesus Music. After tossing and turning for an hour I got up and moved to the couch. I wasn't able to get comfortable there and my anxiety was only getting worse, so I went to the last resort, I made a floor bed. I gathered pillows and blankets and crawled underneath my newest anti anxiety tool. A weighted blanket. I have been wanting one for quite some time but they are so spendy that I just couldn't bring myself to spend the money. I had a guilty conscience about wanting to buy something so expensive when I already spend a lot of money going to therapy, buying coloring books, headphones that drown out the sound, the right clothes that help me maintain a steady body heat, and so many other little things that add up. A couple of weeks ago something told me to check eBay and I found one that

I've been trying to sort things out in a way I could make sense of them in a blog post. I was briefly texting back and fort with a friend recently and told him that I felt like I needed to write, as it had been awhile. I jokingly asked if he had a request of a topic. He responded with "Write about something you would consider a success of yours lately, something that made you happy." What a concept! I've been trying to think of something, ANYTHING, positive to post about for awhile now. Doing so has made me painfully more aware of how much easier it is to focus on the negative than the positive. I think I was so focused on believing that being happy or feeling successful had to relate to something concrete. Like a big accomplishment at work, or achieving a goal. Because I have been trying really hard to be fully present and in the moment when I am feeling happy or excited about something I was also having trouble pointing to something that has "made me happy"

I am in a perpetual state of fight or flight. I am always going straight to negative self talk. I cry in my car and yell out loud to myself "What is wrong with me?!" I believe I am not good enough for anyone or any anything. I am a continual work in progress. I know that, but I can't always believe that. When I'm in a high state of anxiety I forget that I am doing extremely hard work. I discount all of the work I have done. I tell myself I'm not doing everything I should be doing. There is more I need to do, better ways to deal, cope, I need to be thriving instead of just surviving. I blame myself. All of the time. For everything. I blame myself for things you say to me. I blame myself for failing out of college. I think it's my fault people have walked out of my life. I search for a reason to blame myself for all of the pain, both physical and emotional, that have been afflicted on me. I take the blame for people's misunderstandings of me. I internalize