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Showing posts from 2018

Finding The Balance

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I've been having a really hard time figuring out how to balance everything I am responsible for since going back to work in June. I knew it was going to be an adjustment but what I didn't expect was the complete lack of desire to put any amount of energy into anything other than being a mom. This does not mean I wish I could be a full time stay at home mom, by any means. I think it's more of missing the time with Theo and wanting to make up for that at the end of the day when I get home, thus putting off every other responsibility I have. I don't know that this is necessarily a bad thing, but I know it could lead to some unhealthy habits; especially with my stellar ability to neglect self care and being real good at isolating. For some stupid reason I feel like I need to defend myself and that I am choosing to make Theo my number one priority because I believe that is my duty as his mom.

I can't seem to make sense of what is in my head when I try to explain it, so…

They Say Fed is Best

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Fed is best. At least, that's what you hear people say even if they don't really mean it and are just trying to be nice. The pressure on women to breastfeed is so overwhelming. It doesn't matter what frame of mind you go into the journey thinking, you will still feel all of the pressure and judgment you told yourself you wouldn't let bother you.

I guess I don't know why it's anyone's business to know how you plan to feed your child, but it's one of the most asked questions when you are pregnant. I'm currently in a secluded office at work, pumping so I can do what needs to be done for my boy. Every time I plug in my pump and get myself hooked up my anxiety sky rockets. I could be having the calmest moment in the history of my calm moments, and the minute this machine starts doing it's work I am panicky, sweaty, racing heart, etc. I started pumping and freezing my supply back in April so when Theo started daycare he could have breast milk during …

Easier

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After struggling several weeks with postpartum baby blues and fighting really hard to not let them get out of control, I read a lot of articles and blogs about how it gets easier. When I reached out to the few people I know who have small children, or have recently had a baby, they told me the same thing. Our pediatrician, and my OBGYN doctor said it too. It. Gets. Easier. And ya know what?! They were ALL right!!! I am not out of the woods by any means, but when comparing the second five weeks with the first six or seven they have definitely gotten easier. I didn't know how hard it was going to be but it was a relief to know that it's normal and it's common to have all of the thoughts and feelings that I had upon bringing home our first baby. I would imagine those thoughts and feelings still show up after every newborn, but knowing what it's like has got to make the transition a bit more manageable.

My first response (to myself) when I kept hearing that it gets easier…

Coffee and Cat Naps

I am exhausted. I have used that word loosely in the past, and have no doubt been exhausted before but I have never known it like this before. This is sleep deprivation, emotional drain, physical tiredness, constantly doing or thinking, skipped meals, and scheduling my every need around my sweet boys needs.

I absolutely know that this is what I signed up for by becoming a mom, and that I am not the only mom who has or does feel this way, but I need to talk about it. I have always been someone who needs a full night of sleep (read 7-9 hours) to function well the next day. I don't think I've gotten a full night of restful sleep since I was seven months pregnant. Sleeping became so difficult towards the end of my pregnancy and obviously is hard to come by with an infant. There are times I'm up with Theo at two or three in the morning feeding him, or pacing back and forth until I'm certain that he is asleep before laying back down, and I literally feel myself start to fal…

Post Partum

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When you have a major life event happen people are quick to line up and give you their advice. They don't care what the situation is, what the backstory or history may be, or if you even want to listen to them. I remember it well when we got married and it definitely happened when I got pregnant. Between the unsolicited advice, the repetitive questions and the reading that I did, I was done hearing or taking in any information by my third trimester. I heard it all for eight months and was just as overwhelmed, if not more so, than month three or four.

Are you going to breast feed?
Are you doing a natural birth?
What if you have to have a C-Section?
Do you want to be induced?
Will you stay home or take him to daycare?
What about your dog, you're not going to get rid of him are you?
Will you have him vaccinated?
You  need to get out of the house! You need to exercise and be social!

And then came all of the unsolicited advice and know it all knowledge.

Breastfeeding is best. Us…

And Then He Was Here

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Wow. My pregnancy journey ended four weeks ago already. Theo Conner just didn't want to hang on until his due date so he joined the world on 3.15.18 at 1:13pm. And boy have the last four weeks been a whirlwind. Here is the story of Theo!

On Wednesday March 14 Matthew and I went to work like any other ol' day. Around 3pm I called Matthew and told him I had reached my max for the day and was going to head home early. Matthew said he had a terrible headache and was also going to head home early. Wrigley needed his heartworm pill so I contemplated stopping on the way home, in the end I did stop. When I got home I took a short nap and when I woke up I had a rush of energy and was restless. I asked Matthew if he wanted to get out of here so we went to Jason's Deli for dinner. I was in a cheerful mood and joked and giggled the entire time we were out. On the way home my mom called me and when I answered I said "no mom, there is no baby yet!" She laughed and told me that…

New Year, New Adventures

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The older and wiser I get the more I start to loath the end of the year. It seems like once Thanksgiving ends and December rolls around everyone starts complaining about the year that is winding down and claiming to be so excited about "the shittiest year ever" ending. At one point in my life, probably not long ago, I was on that bandwagon. Every year I was thinking about how I just couldn't wait to end the worst year of my life and start a new year with a clean slate. I'm not like that anymore. I actually am incredibly irritated by all of the social media posts from people leading up to the new year about how bad the last 12 months were and they just don't see how next year could be any worse. I have personally made a very conscience effort to quite focusing on the bad shit that happened during the year, because let's face it, bad things are always going to happen whether we like it or not. I don't think Matthew and I have a caught a break in months, it&…