Broken Crayons Still Color

This year the holidays were more bad than good. It's not that they sucked or I didn't have fun or enjoy myself at all. They just brought with them a lot of negative feelings. They tested my strength and I didn't always pass that test. I feel like the older I get the less exciting the holidays are for me. As someone who grew up absolutely loving Christmas and everything about it, I struggle to find anything that I enjoy about it anymore. Because nobody shares my joy and excitement it doesn't get expressed like it did when I was younger. This year Christmas felt empty. That's really the only word I have to describe it. Not because I was alone or anything of the sort. I got some very nice gifts from my family members and was able to spend time with my husband's mom and her husband, as they were in town for a few days. It was empty for other reasons. It was my first Christmas away from my family; zero interaction with anyone in my family other than a phone call. It

Fatigue [f uh - teeg ] noun 1. weariness from bodily or mental exertion. I am so mentally fatigued that I don't even know what day it is anymore. I haven't been sleeping well for the past 7-10 days and it is wearing on me. I am so busy at work that I don't even know if I am coming or going half the time. I can barely keep my head above water lately. I am so tired of the day to day bullshit. I am so exhausted from trying to do everything. I am burned out from this anxiety that has taken itself to a new level. I was starting to feel the progress that I was making. It was evident to me in my day to day life that things were better. I had less anxiety. I had a slightly higher level of confidence in myself. I was utilizing my coping skills. I was doing my best to build my self esteem. I was feeling so much better about things overall. I came back from Thanksgiving with a positive outlook after leaving in such a funk. I wrote about how I had a

When I leave my daily life behind to go on a vacation for any length of time the transition back is typically pretty brutal. If the vacation involved seeing or being with my family I have separation anxiety to contend with on top of the other anxieties that come with transition and change. Being my first time back to South Dakota in 11 months I was gearing up for the worst. Typically we get back from our vacations later in the day, not leaving us with a lot of time to get unpacked and settled back in before diving back into the daily grind. I mentally prepared myself for what I assumed was going to be a no good, rotten day. With our flight getting back into Austin before 12n that meant we had an entire day to do our thing before reality hit us the next day. Knowing this, and being completely exhausted from traveling, I didn't let myself rest. We immediately went to get Wrigley from being boarded at our Vet and it was the sweetest reunion ever. We have never boarded him before and w

Over Thanksgiving I was back in South Dakota for the first time in eleven months. I had a lot of anxiety going into the trip, I have never been away from home that long in my life. I was worried about how we would possibly be able to see everyone we wanted to see without spending a bunch of time away from my parents. I was fearful that there would be way too many people in my parent's house at the same time and I would lose my shit. I had all sorts of worry thoughts revolving around what the hell I would do if I saw people I no longer talked to or was friends with. Typical anxiety brain was running full speed ahead and I was very mindful of that, doing what I could to keep myself regulated. Packing was stressful, as it always is. When you live in a warm climate and have to pack to go to a cold climate it really cuts down on the amount you are able to over pack. For me, this is both good and bad. Good because I don't need to over pack, bad because I have anxiety and always thi

I don't think I've ever talked about how Friday is my absolute favorite day of the week. Even when I was unemployed for eight months that was one thing that never changed. I'm not sure when I realized that Friday was my favorite day, but I LOVE it. I seem to be in the best moods on Fridays even though 95% of the time we don't have anything special or out of the ordinary planned. It's just something about knowing I made it through another week. My work day is always short on Fridays (because I work hard the other 4 days!) so I am able to get some routine "chores" done before the weekend. I get to the grocery store, I do laundry, I work from home, I can schedule personal appointments, sometimes I take a nap. This summer I used Friday afternoons as my pool day. I read a book and soaked up as much vitamin D as I wanted. It's a constant in my sometimes hectic and unpredictable routine. Friday afternoons are mine as long as it works out for me to arrange my

I'm not sure how to preface this blog post so I'm just going to jump right in. I have known abandonment and rejection my entire life, starting as far back as I can remember. Abandonment from my family, rejection from family and friends. When I was growing up we would go to my aunt and uncle's house to celebrate Christmas with my dad's family They lived in an old, two story, farm house. The upstairs of their home had four bedrooms and a bathroom. One of our (my cousins, sister, and I) favorite things to do at their house was to play barbies. My cousin who grew up there had the greatest collection. The best place to set up our Barbie play area was in the bathroom. We would use the tub and sink for pools, etc. My sister and two cousins would, without fail, always lock me out of the bathroom. I would yell and cry and beg them to let me in. I would give in and be a tattle tale. Even that didn't always work. I would get retribution for telling on them, more name callin

I have been struggling a lot lately. I have had some pretty intense emotions recently including a lot of anxiety and feeling quite depressed. I've also had some great moments of happiness and laughter. Everyday is different. My anxiety picks different battles with me each and every day and there is no way that I can prepare for that. Sometimes those battles are minor and I can brush them off with a stern "fuck you anxiety" and carry on with my day. Other times anxiety wins and I throw in the towel by noon. When that happens the rest of the day is a wash. I go through the motions, but I don't usually feel accomplished. I don't like that I have to give up my entire day to anxiety. I also don't like how my anxiety turns me into my own worst enemy. Some days it leaves me with an overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. Other days it convinces me that nobody likes me and I am intentionally left out and forgotten about. Other times I feel completely suffocated

trigger /noun/trig-ger/: something that causes something else to happen. Trigger is a popular word when it comes to mental health and illness. You especially hear it a lot when talking about PTSD and anxiety, and I suppose major depressive disorder and the like as well. Merriam Webster tells us a trigger is something that causes something else to happen. Sometimes triggers are internal, often times they are external. While navigating the world and life with anxiety I have found that a lot of my triggers are very simple, everyday things that I never realized were impacting me as much as they were. Over the past several months I am finding out I have triggers I didn't even know could be triggers. Like people who I know nothing about. Food. Sounds. Places. Stuff that may not completely set off my anxiety radar but things that definitely bring up unwelcome and uncomfortable feelings of nostalgia or anxiety. At the same time there are things that throw me into a complete panic and

I have been hit over and over with waves of anxiety lately. I say waves because when it hits me, it comes seemingly out of nowhere. I have a couple of good days and then I am being pushed over and the wind is being knocked out of me. I barely have time to catch my breath so I can get up and fight on before the next one comes. Eventually the waves settle and I carry on. This pattern of the high tide knocking me on my ass over and over again has me so very tired. It is exhausting to fight through these feelings that are drowning me. I can't keep my head above water long enough to remember what it feels like to NOT have anxiety. Even on my "good" days I am on edge just waiting for something to happen that can change that title from "good" to "bad". What I am doing is letting a few moments of time define my entire day.  I am aware that this is just adding to my anxiety and tiredness, and it is a frame of mind that I am working to change. It doesn't alw

Tomorrow Matthew and I will wake up and realize we have been married for two full years. Two years of wedded bliss. Two years longer than some may have thought we would last. Two years of adventures. Two years of love, of learning, of fighting for each other, two years as husband and wife. Two years since we said "I Do" and partied like it was 1999. Two years of disagreeing that married life was hard. Two years since our first dance as Mr. and Mrs. I'll be kind, if you'll be faithful You be sweet and I'll be grateful Cover me with kisses dear Lighten up the atmosphere Keep me warm inside our bed I got dreams of you all through my head Fortune teller said I'd be free And that's the day you came to me Came to me Come to me my sweetest friend Can you feel my heart again I'll take you back where you belong And this will be our favorite song Come to me with secrets bare I'll love you more so don't be scared And when we're old a

I've been thinking a lot lately. Shocker, I know. A friend of mine reached out to me a few months ago about my blog. He talked to me about how he had been tossing around the idea of starting a blog. I asked him what he wanted to write about. His reply really shocked me. He told me he often keeps his opinions to himself and is a "people pleaser" during conversations to avoid any arguments or disagreements between him and his friends. He told me that if his friends knew what his real thoughts and feelings on different topics were they would be really surprised. I was shocked! I didn't think he was one to just go with the crowd. I explained to him that I thought that was a great thing to write about and how I have worked my way out of being that same way. We talked about how keeping our mouth shut doesn't do any good in the long run and eventually it starts to really wear on a person to feel like they can never voice their opinion without feeling like your friends wi

"Home isn't a place, it's a feeling" South Dakota will always be my home. The house I grew up in, where my parents still live, will always be what I refer to when I say "I'm going home". While I'm not someone who moved around a lot as a child, or an adult for that matter, I have lived in four different cities and several different apartments and a had a few different roommates. The first time I moved out it was into the dorms at college. Then I moved home for summer. When the new semester started, I moved into an apartment with my sister's best friend. When she moved out to live with her boyfriend at the time, one of my friends moved in. Then I moved home (my parent's house) before moving to Aberdeen. I had a cute little apartment to myself up there. When the rent got too high a year later, I moved down the street into an apartment my friend was previously renting. A couple of years later Matthew moved in. We moved to Sioux Falls in 20

I would LOVE to write an entire blog post about how amazing life has been lately. I want to brag about how far I have come, what I have accomplished, and how happy I have felt. Unfortunately all of the good that has happened in the past few weeks has been drowned out by some shitty days. Shitty feelings. Panic attacks.  Feelings of discourage and defeat. You may be thinking to yourself "Oh imagine that, another bad week" or "Does she ever have good days" or "When DOESN'T she feel like that". I'll be honest, those phrases have crossed my mind as well a time or two. What I will tell you is that this is the nature of the beast. I have learned that when things are going well I am so caught up in the moment and able to be fully present that I don't really have thoughts past "Wow, life is good!" As in, I don't have all of these things and ideas ruminating in my brain to write about. I wish it didn't work that way; it's something

I don't think I've been honest. Lately I've been extremely cognizant of who I talk to and what I talk to them about. I am so afraid of being completely open and honest to people due to the recent shame and judgment I feel has been passed on me. I have been told that I "seem to" always have bad days, that I'm never happy, that people feel like telling me something great in their life isn't acceptable because maybe things aren't so great in mine. At first comments and thoughts like this had me feeling hurt. But the truth is, I am angry. I am angry because this past year has been all about me finding out who my friends are. It's been about being open with my journey, new beginnings, a new chapter, and being myself. It's proven to be challenging and full of plenty of ups and downs. I've accomplished so many things that people in my life never had faith in my ability to do. I've learned that people aren't who they say they are. But I am

My parents recently spent seven days with us down here in Austin. They left to go back to South Dakota on August 3rd. It had been seven months, to the day, since I had seen my dad, and a few days shy of being seven months since seeing my mom, other than on a computer screen. While they were here we spent a good share of our time relaxing, and a good share of it running around showing them our favorite spots. We got together with my other relatives who live here and were able to catch up with all of them. We ate a lot, drank a lot, drove a lot, shopped a lot, and had many great conversations. By the end of their trip we were all exhausted and ready to go back to our normal daily grind. I for one had been out of my routine for too many days and it was starting to make me a wee bit cranky! There were times when I wanted to hide away in my bed and not do anything, but I made the best of it and powered through those times to enjoy every second with them, knowing that it would be a few month

**I started writing this post about a week ago. I would type a little bit, then quit when I became overwhelmed with what I was trying to stay. I've had 10 therapy sessions now, which is two more than I had when I started this entry. It's time for me to be vulnerable. I started going to therapy (again), eight weeks ago. I went not only because I was tired of people suggesting it, but because I had a serious realization that I was not nearly as okay as I thought I was. It takes a lot of courage to take the first step. I made the phone call. I scheduled an appointment. And then I showed up. I've shown up for eight weeks in a row. I went in guarded. I went  in scared. I went in pretending I was okay. I pretended and I was discussing surface level issues. Eight weeks later I am feeling safe, and I am understanding that I have pushed so many things deep, deep, DEEP down inside of me for so long that I didn't even realize they were still having an affect on my emotional

Someone recently asked Matthew if he ever feels anxious, sad, depressed, etc. He immediately and bravely answered "No, I never do". And he meant it. And I believe him. And I admire him. What it must feel like to go through this life with no burdens of mental illness. What a toll it must take on a mentally healthy person to be married to an anxious ball of joyful, sad tears. What an amazing heart must beat in that chest of his. To be strong enough in his head and in his body for not only himself, but for another living being. A living being who looks to him to keep her from falling, to pick her up when she is down, and hold her up when she is weak. What strength he must have to deal with the heavy burden that comes with being married to me and my scary, dark, fearful, anxious thoughts that are really good at ruining things for all involved. Someone who has lost a parent and other family members all within a short period of time can opening and easily admit that he does not str

So, I was driving to a work appointment today (as I do..) and I realized that I was having a pretty decent go at life today. The past two days were far from okay, so even though it wasn't the best day ever, I had a large window of time that I was feeling pretty damn good. Dare I say I even felt like myself? I had my music turned up, didn't use the GPS, and enjoyed the sunshine on my short little drive. I dealt with unplanned events at work, and I handled them the best I knew how. When all was said and done with my schedule taking me places I didn't plan to go, I found a quiet coffee shop I could hang out at and get caught up on work. It wasn't a chain and it wasn't one that I'd ever heard of. I really enjoy finding small, local places to spend my time in so I thought this would be perfect. I don't know if it was the actual coffee shop itself, the realization that I had a super crazy day (and tomorrow is going to be even crazier), or something else, but anx

I realized the other day that I moved my ass to Austin, Texas six months ago, already. And then I realized that I moved my ass to Austin, Texas eight months after my first and only visit here. And then I realized, HOLY SHIT! I do not ever remember being so motivated or serious about accomplishing anything in my life. Except that one time when I went back to college to prove to everyone that I would graduate after taking time off. In the long run, that decision wasn't made 100% for my own self, it was to show everyone that they were wrong about me and that taking a year off wouldn't stop me from eventually finishing. It turned out to be a good move for me, and changed me a lot. So, being in Austin for six months already I decided I needed to reflect (of course). Six months flew by so quickly. It's not like SO MANY things have happened that I lost track of time, I feel like I have been living in the moment way more than I used to. Obviously I still have my bad days and stru

I have started several blog posts recently and just couldn't finish any of them.  So as I'm laying poolside by myself to unwind from the weekend I'm going to try again. I've been working with a full caseload of youth who have mental health diagnosis. Something I've been working on them with is finding a safe place for them to come down from a crisis or when they become upset, overwhelmed,  mad, or sad.  I've also been helping them compile coping boxes and think outside of  the box (no pun intended) about what they could put in it. It took me longer than it should have to realize that I am missing a safe place in my life.  With my heightened anxiety and depression filling in the cracks it is something I desperately need. I've also done some self discovery and know that when I am having bad anxiety,  or a panic attack,  or feel so low that I don't know how I'm going to manage...all I REALLY need is to feel safe. I need to know that I am safe no matte

Life lately has been hard. I had a rough week and it seems to have carried through the weekend as well. I hate to even admit that because I'm trying to make some changes in my brain. I'm trying to hammer out what a bad day really is. I'm trying to learn what makes a bad day in Meghan's world. I've been down on myself lately and I don't even understand why. Nothing has changed. My anxiety is constant and I feel like I don't even remember what it's like to not be hyper vigilant. I am in this state of constant worry with "what ifs" running rampant in my brain. It's been having difficulty concentrating on my job, being present in conversations, and even caring about myself in general. I've been irritable and tired.  I just haven't been myself and because I don't know what the real issue is I don't know what to do to bring myself back. I'm stuck. I'm full of doubt and worry and none of it is worth the time I spend thinkin

I've been in a pretty dark spot lately. Not the darkest I've ever been but definitely darker than I feel is comfortable or normal. I haven't been sleeping the best which I think is adding to this darkness. I just can't seem to stop my mind from running circles in my head. I can't stop worrying, even though I have no idea what I am worried about. And I am pissed off. I'm pissed off because people are so fucking rude, and mean. I'm pissed off because I put so much time and energy into friendships when I have one that is a two way street. I am pissed off because some people have NO idea what the real world is, what life REALLY is, and how to treat people, especially strangers. I would never, ever, EVER say the things to other people that I have had said to me. I would never find out about a problem or illness a friend or relative had and completely cut off all contact and act as if I was never their friend to begin with. I'm pissed off because some people