Keep Holding On

I have been struggling a lot lately. I have had some pretty intense emotions recently including a lot of anxiety and feeling quite depressed. I've also had some great moments of happiness and laughter. Everyday is different. My anxiety picks different battles with me each and every day and there is no way that I can prepare for that. Sometimes those battles are minor and I can brush them off with a stern "fuck you anxiety" and carry on with my day. Other times anxiety wins and I throw in the towel by noon. When that happens the rest of the day is a wash. I go through the motions, but I don't usually feel accomplished. I don't like that I have to give up my entire day to anxiety. I also don't like how my anxiety turns me into my own worst enemy. Some days it leaves me with an overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. Other days it convinces me that nobody likes me and I am intentionally left out and forgotten about. Other times I feel completely suffocated, as if I am underwater with the pressure of hundreds of feet of water crushing me. I do all I can to swim to the surface and when I get that gasp of air I want to hold on to any piece of reality that I can grasp. I know that reality won't last very long though, it never does.

What I have to remember, and it isn't always easy, is that some days really are much better than others. I need to remember that it is okay to have bad days and to do nothing more than get up and show up. It's okay to be mad, and sad, and scared. It's okay to cry when someone hurts me with their words even if I am 30 years old. It's okay to stand up for myself and tell others how they have made me feel even if they don't understand how much hurt they may have caused.

I don't like that I never know what emotions and thoughts the day will bring me each morning when I wake up. I know I have a toolbox of coping strategies to use even if I don't think I have the energy to utilize them. I don't like living in a constant state of anxiety that is always in the background of everything I say or do. It's a heavy burden I carry and sometimes I fail to see how strong it has made me. On the days I don't feel strong and I want to let go, I keep holding on.

Quote on mental health: My dark days made me strong. Or maybe I already was strong, and they made me prove it - Emery Lord.


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