365 [Blissful] Days

Most people say the hardest year of marriage is the first one. I am going to disagree with that. Matthew and I just celebrated our one year anniversary of saying I Do. We had one of the best weekends together that we've had in a long time, if not ever.

The hardest year that we've had together was the year we were engaged. We got engaged in September, moved in April, Matthew started his new job in May, we got married in October, and I was unemployed until January. My anxiety and depression kicked my butt for those 8 months I was unemployed and trying to plan my wedding all while applying and interviewing for jobs. If we can make it through all of that together, we can make it through anything.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8VMYLniuDk&feature=player_embedded

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Lost.

Life lately has been hard. I had a rough week and it seems to have carried through the weekend as well. I hate to even admit that because I'm trying to make some changes in my brain. I'm trying to hammer out what a bad day really is. I'm trying to learn what makes a bad day in Meghan's world. I've been down on myself lately and I don't even understand why. Nothing has changed. My anxiety is constant and I feel like I don't even remember what it's like to not be hyper vigilant. I am in this state of constant worry with "what ifs" running rampant in my brain. It's been having difficulty concentrating on my job, being present in conversations, and even caring about myself in general. I've been irritable and tired. I just haven't been myself and because I don't know what the real issue is I don't know what to do to bring myself back. I'm stuck. I'm full of doubt and worry and none of it is worth the time I spend thinkin...

Word Vomit

This world and the people in it have gotten so.....delusional. Somewhere along the line people forgot that kindness is free. I'm not talking about helping someone who can't reach the top shelf at the grocery store (although this is something I often do!), or holding the door (common decency) but the kindness that comes along with listening to people who have different opinions than your own. Treating them with respect even if you don't agree with what they're saying. Not making assumptions based on what someone does or does not do. And quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Perhaps I'm in the minority with my thoughts and opinions and morals and beliefs, but even so I shouldn't feel so afraid or sharing them. I try to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself to avoid being attacked by the keyboard warriors, but I realize that this is part of the problem. As tired as I am of the news and the debates and arguments and name calling and judging over COVID 19, BLM, ...

"The" and not "My"

I started this post a few weeks ago, and just couldn't figure out where to go with it. In the time between when I started it and now I have been extremely mindful of this and my wording around how I am feeling. And I can tell you that I feel exactly how I was hoping I would. It's almost a feeling of freedom. It's really amazing what a shift in thought patterns can do. It's not to say that I am not experiencing the crippling anxiety and all that goes along with that; but I feel much more confident in my ability to fight. Something that I say all of the time when referring to how anxious I am or what I'm feeling is "my anxiety is super high." I never realized I was even saying that but I've definitely been more mindful of it as of late. I noticed that when I own the anxiety as if it is part of me, it makes me feel less empowered. Less empowered to fight through it, accept the feelings that come with anxiety, and much less motivation to be so resilie...

Broken Crayons Still Color

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