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Showing posts from July, 2016

Vulnerable

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**I started writing this post about a week ago. I would type a little bit, then quit when I became overwhelmed with what I was trying to stay. I've had 10 therapy sessions now, which is two more than I had when I started this entry.




It's time for me to be vulnerable.



I started going to therapy (again), eight weeks ago. I went not only because I was tired of people suggesting it, but because I had a serious realization that I was not nearly as okay as I thought I was. It takes a lot of courage to take the first step. I made the phone call. I scheduled an appointment. And then I showed up. I've shown up for eight weeks in a row. I went in guarded. I went  in scared. I went in pretending I was okay. I pretended and I was discussing surface level issues. Eight weeks later I am feeling safe, and I am understanding that I have pushed so many things deep, deep, DEEP down inside of me for so long that I didn't even realize they were still having an affect on my emotional well…

He Doesn't Even Know!

Someone recently asked Matthew if he ever feels anxious, sad, depressed, etc. He immediately and bravely answered "No, I never do". And he meant it. And I believe him. And I admire him. What it must feel like to go through this life with no burdens of mental illness. What a toll it must take on a mentally healthy person to be married to an anxious ball of joyful, sad tears. What an amazing heart must beat in that chest of his. To be strong enough in his head and in his body for not only himself, but for another living being. A living being who looks to him to keep her from falling, to pick her up when she is down, and hold her up when she is weak. What strength he must have to deal with the heavy burden that comes with being married to me and my scary, dark, fearful, anxious thoughts that are really good at ruining things for all involved. Someone who has lost a parent and other family members all within a short period of time can opening and easily admit that he does not st…

It's The Not Knowing

So, I was driving to a work appointment today (as I do..) and I realized that I was having a pretty decent go at life today. The past two days were far from okay, so even though it wasn't the best day ever, I had a large window of time that I was feeling pretty damn good. Dare I say I even felt like myself? I had my music turned up, didn't use the GPS, and enjoyed the sunshine on my short little drive. I dealt with unplanned events at work, and I handled them the best I knew how.

When all was said and done with my schedule taking me places I didn't plan to go, I found a quiet coffee shop I could hang out at and get caught up on work. It wasn't a chain and it wasn't one that I'd ever heard of. I really enjoy finding small, local places to spend my time in so I thought this would be perfect. I don't know if it was the actual coffee shop itself, the realization that I had a super crazy day (and tomorrow is going to be even crazier), or something else, but anxi…

Six Months [Down]

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I realized the other day that I moved my ass to Austin, Texas six months ago, already. And then I realized that I moved my ass to Austin, Texas eight months after my first and only visit here. And then I realized, HOLY SHIT! I do not ever remember being so motivated or serious about accomplishing anything in my life. Except that one time when I went back to college to prove to everyone that I would graduate after taking time off. In the long run, that decision wasn't made 100% for my own self, it was to show everyone that they were wrong about me and that taking a year off wouldn't stop me from eventually finishing. It turned out to be a good move for me, and changed me a lot.

So, being in Austin for six months already I decided I needed to reflect (of course). Six months flew by so quickly. It's not like SO MANY things have happened that I lost track of time, I feel like I have been living in the moment way more than I used to. Obviously I still have my bad days and stru…