**I started writing this post about a week ago. I would type a little bit, then quit when I became overwhelmed with what I was trying to stay. I've had 10 therapy sessions now, which is two more than I had when I started this entry.

It's time for me to be vulnerable.

I started going to therapy (again), eight weeks ago. I went not only because I was tired of people suggesting it, but because I had a serious realization that I was not nearly as okay as I thought I was. It takes a lot of courage to take the first step. I made the phone call. I scheduled an appointment. And then I showed up. I've shown up for eight weeks in a row. I went in guarded. I went  in scared. I went in pretending I was okay. I pretended and I was discussing surface level issues. Eight weeks later I am feeling safe, and I am understanding that I have pushed so many things deep, deep, DEEP down inside of me for so long that I didn't even realize they were still having an affect on my emotional well being. And I'm talking about them.

I'm anxious. I'm sad. I have a self esteem that is low more often than it isn't. If you ask me who my friends are I can't name more than a few people. I have random thoughts of wanting to be done living. I have urges to self harm. I cry alone during the day, or at night, or on my way to work. I wonder what is wrong with me. All of the time I wonder. Why am I such a terrible person that nobody wants to take time out of their day to ask me how I am? I would bet my life savings on the fact that when anyone I know is asked who their best friend is my name never comes out of their mouth. I can't understand why I feel this way. I struggle to believe in myself the way that I should. I don't have the level of confidence that I thought I had. It's all gone. I don't know where it went, or when it left. I didn't know where to start to get it all back. Eight weeks ago I started the process of self compassion and on most days I believe that I am making progress. I am learning about how past trauma has had a long term affect on me without any realization. I am accepting that I have been hurt and going through the tough process of forgiveness for some of those hurts. I'm continuing to talk about mental illness and my own personal battle even though more times than not it causes people to never talk to me again, judge me, make rude comments, or simply be mean. I am fully aware that anxiety and depression and bipolar and mood disorders are not easy to understand by those who don't have personal experience with any of them. I get that trying to understand someone's struggle with it is not an easy thing to do. I have a hard time understanding the struggle of my friends, because they're different than mine. When you go through life keeping your darkest thoughts and your scariest feelings to yourself for so long, it is not easy to start talking about them. I have been made to feel ashamed of having anxiety and depression. I have been treated as if I have made it all up or brought it on myself. I have spoke out about it and not been heard. All of the time I am saying things that go through one ear and out the other of the listener.

I am working on some forgiveness of past hurts in my life. When I think about all of the "friends"
who have made their exit from my life in the past few years there are only a couple of them who have hurt me deeply enough to leave a mark. When I thought I had closure it was only surface level. I started to process this, by really talking about it, with someone who has no idea who this person is, and I had an "ah ha" moment; I am hurt. Everyone gets hurt. People hurt each other intentionally and unintentionally all of the time. It's how we get over the hurt that makes us who we are. Some people are able to forgive and forget so quickly that they don't even let that hurt set into their heart. Some refuse to never forgive and forget and therefore hold grudges their entire lives and build a wall around their heart. I'm in between. When I know the hurt left behind isn't going to haunt me the rest of my life I can easily move past it and seemingly forgive and forget. Not right away, but sooner than when I find that hurt leaving a scar. At times it has taken me years to forgive someone for what they have done to me. Mostly because I tend to want to think that whatever happened wasn't "real", like maybe if I don't forgive and move on that it didn't really happy. Maybe I can convince myself that it wasn't a big deal. Not a good way to go about things. Not being able to fathom the motive behind the hurt is when I get stuck.  When I don't have any comprehensible idea about what went wrong in my relationship I have a really rough time with forgiveness. What am I forgiving, exactly? I'm still learning how to not worry about the why. It's not easy.

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to do everything. I'm tired of trying to please everyone, I've gone through this before and after I was so exhausted I couldn't function I decided to start taking care of myself. I'm tired of putting on a show for people, saying I'm okay when in reality I may not be. I can't do it all and I am trying to do it all. I ask for help and don't get it, so I do it myself. It's wearing on me and it's turning me into a person I'm not happy about. I need to remember that I am only one person, and at the end of the day if something doesn't get accomplished that it's still going to be there tomorrow. I can't let the "rule" I tell myself that everything has to be done and done on time and done perfectly get in the way of my living and being happy. It's not worth my mental energy. I need to spend more energy doing things for myself. I deserve to spend money on a haircut, and a pedicure, and a new pair of shoes once in awhile, and I have no reason not to sleep in, or take a nap, and skip doing laundry or the dishes. I should be able to read at least one book a week, like I used to do. I have no reason not to spend more time by myself doing something I love. I should be able to use my energy doing something good for myself and getting back into healthy habits. If I don't look out for number one nobody else will.

**When I started this post a week or so ago I had intentions of being more vulnerable and open, but I don't have that in me right now, so I am going to leave this where it's at.


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