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Showing posts from December, 2014

In 2015....

I never make New Year's Resolutions. Not only do I know I would never stick to them, I think they are kind of nonsense. This year, however, I am going to make a list of things I am going to do, work on, and be in the new year.

1. Kind (er). To strangers, my husband,  friends, family, and most importantly, myself. I have been so hard on myself the past 7 months and I don't deserve it. I always try to be kind to the people around me, but don't always succeed for whatever reason. I will never know all of the battles and struggles others are facing, so I will do my best to be the best I can be when interacting with everyone.

2. Stay healthy. I do not ever set a new year's goal of losing weight. I think that's failure from the get go. Sure I could stand to lose some weight, but I don't NEED to. I am currently healthy as a horse (hopefully writing that doesn't jinx me) even without being supermodel skinny, having 6 pack abs, or being able to run marathons. I enjoy …

Christmas!!!!!

Today is Christmas Eve, one of my most favorite days of the year! I have ALWAYS loved Christmas Eve! Christmas Eve and Christmas are two days of the year where I am HAPPY, no matter what is going on in my heart, mind, life, etc. I can push it aside for these two days and be happy and take in all of the goodness that Christmas is. Christmas Eve Mass is always a top 5 favorite. Between the Christmas carols, the energy, and all of the cute kinds in their Christmas dresses, I've always enjoyed it. Not only do I leave with the peace of Christmas, I remember WHY we are celebrating these two days and WHY we are even here! 

My Christmas wish from my previous post came early. Last Friday at 4:00 pm I was laying in bed, feeling sorry for myself and trying to avoid life. My phone rang and it was a number I was not familiar with. Usually when I get an unknown number I do not answer, and if it is actually a real person I return their message. Well, I thought "what the hell" and answer…

All I Want For Christmas

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All I want for Christmas is peace. Peace in my heart and peace in my mind. I haven't had a peace in my mind or in my heart for so long that I don't remember what it feels like. I have been so wound up, anxious, sad, burnt out on being anxious, tired, and busy the past three months that I don't even know where my thoughts begin and end anymore. I don't know what brought all of this on, but I am so tired of it. I know I am a happy girl, I know I have a good life, I know everything is okay, I KNOW that I am worth so much more, but I just can't talk myself into believing it anymore and I hate it. I HATE IT!!! I have never been so interested in giving up on everything in so long that the thought scares the hell out of me. I want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I am tired of going through the motions of living. I want to ACTUALLY LIVE! I am tired of sitting on my couch in the morning and crying because I feel so worthless and useless. I hate reading all of these artic…

The War in My Head

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This week my worst enemy has been my brain. My brain will NOT stop working. It will not leave me alone. It is in overdrive and I don't know how to stop it. It's killing me and all of myself esteem that I was slowly building back up. If someone could read my mind, or even just chart the activity going on in my brain, they would probably think I was certifiably crazy. I have been beating myself up all week. I have been calling myself names and thinking the worst of my self, my ability, my life. I know my life isn't bad, I know that I am not so lame that nobody wants to be my friend, I know that I am not too stupid to work for these companies that keep turning me down. I know these things. But telling myself that when my brain has taken complete control over me is not easy. I have spent so much time calling myself names, thinking the worst of myself, and fighting back tears all week that I couldn't even tell you one positive about myself if you asked. I know the damage th…

Empty(ness)

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This week has not been good. I have not been okay. I shut down this week. 
I worked two days this week and my give a damn was busted before I even walked out of my door to drive to where I was working. That hasn't happened to me in quite some time so I knew it was going to be a rough two days. I literally did not care that I was there. But then it just got worse.   
I have been merely going through the motions this week. I do not remember a week like this before where I felt like I wasn't even existing. I wish I could explain the emptiness inside of me that took over this week. It was a feeling that both scared me and made me grateful. You probably wonder how that is possible. I hate that I have this life with anxiety and depression. I hate what it has the ability to do to me. It scared me because I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to handle it, I wasn't sure how to explain what was happening in my mind. I wasn't myself but I literally couldn't do an…

My Rock, My Strength

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There are a lot of things about having anxiety and depression that the person you love needs to know how do.

I had a boyfriend years ago that was not even aware of my depression and anxiety issues, because I was afraid to tell him. I was afraid that if I told him he would think there was something wrong with me. I just knew him well enough to know how judgmental he was. He was one of those people who thought nobody had anything to be sad, or stressed, or worried about, especially me, who was a college student at the time. I kept my mental illness a secret from him for the nearly four years we dated. Towards the end of our relationship is when my anxiety really started to take hold and I sought counseling, which he also had no idea about. My depression also surfaced, it was a messy break up. It was really a turning point for me. I took off on a weekend trip to Rhode Island (to visit a friend) a few days later without telling anyone where I was going. It was my way of not dealing with m…

(Un) Employment Anxiety

I spent my summer unemployed. If there is anything that can increase anxiety by a crazy amount (for me)  i have come to learn, it is being unemployed. I applied for numerous jobs, interviewed for several, and got countless rejection letters and phone calls (the phone calls were the worst!) 

I would never be too anxious about the interview itself, which is also kind of backwards for people with anxiety. I guess it probably has to do with the number of job interviews I have had in the past few years. There was more than one time i would have two or three interviews in a short time period (1-2 weeks) and would worry and worry about what i would do if one offered me a job before I heard from the previous one. What if I wanted one more than the other but that one called me first? Did I accept the job and if something better came along just call them and tell them I changed my mind? SO many scenarios ran through my mind. I lost so much sleep over job interviews and job offers and more than 6…