The War in My Head

This week my worst enemy has been my brain. My brain will NOT stop working. It will not leave me alone. It is in overdrive and I don't know how to stop it. It's killing me and all of myself esteem that I was slowly building back up. If someone could read my mind, or even just chart the activity going on in my brain, they would probably think I was certifiably crazy. I have been beating myself up all week. I have been calling myself names and thinking the worst of my self, my ability, my life. I know my life isn't bad, I know that I am not so lame that nobody wants to be my friend, I know that I am not too stupid to work for these companies that keep turning me down. I know these things. But telling myself that when my brain has taken complete control over me is not easy. I have spent so much time calling myself names, thinking the worst of myself, and fighting back tears all week that I couldn't even tell you one positive about myself if you asked. I know the damage this does to me, especially when I work so hard to build myself back up when all is said and done. It's a vicious cycle. What I need is constant positive reinforcement from outside sources. And that is nearly impossible to come by when you spend most of your days by yourself. 

I hate going through my days telling myself I am not good enough. I hate these feelings that overwhelm me and take over. I hate that my brain doesn't give me any rest, peace and quiet, or positive thoughts. I know this too is a phase that is here and before I know it, will be gone. If I know all of these things, why can't I just change the way I think? If I could at least have any idea of when these things are going to show up and take over, it would be a much easier battle. I could prepare myself and be proactive, but unfortunately anxiety does not seem to care if you have a fair warning or not. Just like those relatives nobody likes, they show up at the worst possible time and there's nothing you can do to make them leave any earlier than they plan. 

I am not okay with myself, and I need to be okay if I am going to continue to thrive in this oh so wonderful life! 

How do you handle yourself when your brain takes over? What are things that you worry and think about constantly that you wish you didn't? How do you stop over-thinking?

PTSD ~ Don't tell me to get over it and suck it up.  When your nightmares repeat what happened that's not a choice, it's called POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER.  Anything can trigger it, not just sleep.  A sound.  A smell.  A word.  You just never know what can trigger it.  Believe me, anyone with PTSD want nothing more than to be free from the trauma they experienced.


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