All I Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas is peace. Peace in my heart and peace in my mind. I haven't had a peace in my mind or in my heart for so long that I don't remember what it feels like. I have been so wound up, anxious, sad, burnt out on being anxious, tired, and busy the past three months that I don't even know where my thoughts begin and end anymore. I don't know what brought all of this on, but I am so tired of it. I know I am a happy girl, I know I have a good life, I know everything is okay, I KNOW that I am worth so much more, but I just can't talk myself into believing it anymore and I hate it. I HATE IT!!! I have never been so interested in giving up on everything in so long that the thought scares the hell out of me. I want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I am tired of going through the motions of living. I want to ACTUALLY LIVE! I am tired of sitting on my couch in the morning and crying because I feel so worthless and useless. I hate reading all of these articles about anxiety and depression and thinking "that's me, that's my life". I want to look at my pictures and be happy, not sad. I want to go out with my friends and actually be present in a conversation. I want to sleep at night without waking up in a sweat worried about something that doesn't matter. I want to make it through a day at home without having to take a power nap in the afternoon because I am so exhausted from just being awake. When I do want to sleep in or take a nap, I want to do it without being so worried about the fact that I should be up and having a productive day. I want to open my curtains and see the sun instead of closing them to hide from it. I want to feel my heart over flowing with love, and gratitude, and happiness like I know it is. I want to FEEL that. I want to feel it so I can BELIEVE it again. I want this darkness that is trying so hard to take over to just LEAVE me alone. I don't want to be this person anymore. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

I know I can beat these feelings I am having. I know deep down inside of me is that happiness that has gotten me so far the last three years. I know if I could just win one small battle with my brain I would be on my way back up. This monster is taking away my most favorite time of year, and I'll be damned if I let it. I have beaten worse times in my life, I can beat this too. I will NOT let Christmas be anymore ruined for me than it already has been. I refuse to lose. I will not let myself completely fall apart, because picking up the pieces and putting myself back together is something I swore to myself I did for the last time four years ago. I won't hit rock bottom, because I have been there before and I don't think that's something you can come back from twice.

I am going to start all over with the things I know have helped me out of my funks in the past. I am going to try things I tried weeks ago and didn't work. I'm going to do this, for me. I'm going to climb back up out of the hole I am in, and I'm going to perservere, because that's what people with anxiety do. 


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