Word Vomit

This world and the people in it have gotten so.....delusional. Somewhere along the line people forgot that kindness is free. I'm not talking about helping someone who can't reach the top shelf at the grocery store (although this is something I often do!), or holding the door (common decency) but the kindness that comes along with listening to people who have different opinions than your own. Treating them with respect even if you don't agree with what they're saying. Not making assumptions based on what someone does or does not do. And quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Perhaps I'm in the minority with my thoughts and opinions and morals and beliefs, but even so I shouldn't feel so afraid or sharing them. I try to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself to avoid being attacked by the keyboard warriors, but I realize that this is part of the problem. As tired as I am of the news and the debates and arguments and name calling and judging over COVID 19, BLM, etc. etc. this is my space for me to speak my mind and share what I feel. So that is what I am going to do. If you don't agree that is okay. But please, do not call me names or tell me I am ignorant or lump me in with a group of people.

I am sick and tired of living in fear because the media is blowing up the airwaves with COVID lies. Do i believe this is a scary virus that can and does do long term harm to a lot of people? Yes. Do I understand that people are dying from this virus? Yes. Am I afraid of catching it? Not exactly. My opinion is that I am a healthy young woman and if I do come down with COVID my body and strong immune system will do what they're made to do and fight it. Do I realized that it could get "complicated"? Yes. But you know what else? I know there is a lot in my life that I cannot control, illness being one of them, and I have worked very hard in therapy for several years to get to the point where I can accept that not everything is in my control. I refuse to let the media and fear mongrels undo that work. I believe that we, as people, are much stronger and smarter than this virus however we are choosing to let it cause so much fear that people literally bully you for not wearing a mask, for wanting to dine out at a restaurant, for taking your kid to summer camp or daycare because you have to work to pay the bills and keep a roof over your head. They hate you because you believe school should start, like normal, in the fall (with some new precautions in place, of course) or you simply want to buy a plane ticket and visit your family you have been isolated from for months. They don't care about why you have these opinions on the matter or why you choose to do what you do, they simply call you names because it doesn't line up with how they live their life. I will also add that while I do not personally feel that masks are the end all be all, and I do not wear one unless it's a matter of "take my kid to swimming lessons or not" I have my reasons. I know that part of my resistance to wearing a mask everywhere I go is simply because I am being told to do so. For a better part of my life I was dependent on others and "did as I was told." Since breaking free from that and learning to be independent (sometimes to a fault) I HATE being told what to do. "Don't tell me what to do" is something that comes out of my mouth at least once a day. Post a sign on the doors to businesses, similar to the "no shirt, no shoes, no services" reminders we all see, and I will be MUCH more likely to comply. If I have a choice, I am not wearing a mask and that is for the simple fact that I feel extremely claustrophobic in them (thanks, anxiety) and when you are in an already hot store, in Texas, in the summer, the last thing you need is an added layer of claustrophobia. When the mask mandate first started I tried really hard to wear my mask into stores. It took me several attempts to actually go into a store masked and make it out with my groceries. Those other times I panicked halfway through and left my cart full of stuff to run outside, tear that mask off, and breath. Part of this has been a matter of finding a mask that is more breathable for me. I know the debate on masks goes on and on and on, but as someone with anxiety I will tell you that I am not a severe case of how a mask can do more harm than good, but a common one. I know my triggers are my responsibility to manage and cope with, but that doesn't make them any least real.  Imagine someone with PTSD from being raped or held against their will with their mouth taped and tied shut. You can't pay someone to listen to you about this, though. Because if you are not wearing a mask you are simply a terrible, selfish person who is "trying to kill others." And with that I digress from the mask topic. 

If Black Lives Matter (they do) why is it only some of them? Why don't the black lives of the "bad guys" matter? I think everyone in their right mind can and does agree that what happened to George Floyd was not right and the arresting officer was in the wrong every which way possible. Nobody disagreed with that. There was uproar and rioting and protesting. Protesting, rightly so. Rioting and burning buildings etc.? Not okay. Rayshard Brooks? A quick Google search will tell you that he was anything but innocent. He has a laundry list of arrests including obstructing officers, family violence, cruelty to children, possession of controlled substance, speeding, false imprisonment, and theft. Most of those happened on more than once occasion. Not an upstanding citizen. Let's not forget that he resisted arrest, and stole the officer's taser before being shot. This does not translate to "he deserved to die." It's the facts stating that he was not an innocent man of color who was shot by a cop for being so. There are black children being murdered everyday by their own family and you don't see a single protest or riot happening. To me, that means that not all black lives matter to the people who stand behind the cause or movement. I do agree that this country would benefit from cultural competence education and the police departments would do well to implement some additional training, but this is not an issue where pointing fingers is okay. Nor will it solve anything.  

There simply has to be a better way to discuss or debate your feelings on a topic than hate and shaming. I don't think that making a person feel guilty or shaming them for being white is really appropriate either. Maybe white privilege is on your radar and maybe it's not. I do not feel that I have been given any passes in this life simply for being white. In fact, I know people of color who have more "privilege" than I do. After these recent incidents every single "influencer" has jumped on the opportunity to use their platforms to be social justice warriors and I find that to be incredibly disingenuous and annoying, to say the least.  It doesn't matter what I do or don't say or believe, someone will find something wrong with it and you know what? That's on them. You don't have to like me or anyone else with differing opinions from your own, but the least you can do is show the respect you wish to also be shown. 

Early on into Matthew and I's courtship he taught me something very valuable. He told me that he made a decision (before meeting me) to only spend his time and energy on people and friends in his life who were going to make him a better person and add value to his life. He was done wasting time on those who were bringing him down or had different priorities in life. The older I get the more I follow that same principal. After YEARS of having really shitty people in my life, and me allowing them to bring that negative and toxic energy into my life, I decided I don't have time for that anymore. Life is way too short to surround yourself with people who bring you no value and do not lift you up. So, needless to say, the condition the world is in right now has really been helpful in figuring out who those people are and those are the ones I continue to put my energy and time into.