I've been in a pretty dark spot lately. Not the darkest I've ever been but definitely darker than I feel is comfortable or normal. I haven't been sleeping the best which I think is adding to this darkness. I just can't seem to stop my mind from running circles in my head. I can't stop worrying, even though I have no idea what I am worried about. And I am pissed off.

I'm pissed off because people are so fucking rude, and mean. I'm pissed off because I put so much time and energy into friendships when I have one that is a two way street. I am pissed off because some people have NO idea what the real world is, what life REALLY is, and how to treat people, especially strangers. I would never, ever, EVER say the things to other people that I have had said to me. I would never find out about a problem or illness a friend or relative had and completely cut off all contact and act as if I was never their friend to begin with. I'm pissed off because some people can talk openly about their  struggles and low points in life, and in return get nothing but positive, uplifting things to said to them. I'm not pissed at them for this, everyone deserves that, what pisses me off about it is that is simply is NOT fair. I get told I shouldn't write a blog if I don't want judgment. Well, my response to that is simple. Don't read it! If you're just reading it to be nosey, find different reading material. I'm not here for entertainment.  I've said it before and I'll keep saying it. And for the love of God if you feel it's necessary to judge me, don't do it to my face. Oh, and if did something to honestly hurt you , be an adult and TELL me. I have no problem telling people when they have hurt my feelings, and I expect that my friends trust me enough to do the same.

What I have come to realize is that I spent a lot of years surrounding myself with some pretty shitty people (who I found out the hard way were not good for me.) I am by no means the perfect friend. I am not the perfect wife. I am not the perfect employee, or co worker, or daughter, or sister. Hell half the time I'm not even good at taking care of my dog. But I try. I put everything I have into my relationships and even though I continue to get replaced, forgotten, treated poorly, judged, talked down to and about, I keep trying. I have become more and more introverted lately and I hate it. I know I am an introvert but I am even getting tired of it. I am trying to guard myself but the honestly, that isn't good for me either. After I finally broke through and started sharing my story and my struggle I didn't think I'd have to go back to being guarded. Yet here I am, trying to convince myself to never tell anyone when I have a bad day, never tell anyone the truth about how I am feeling, never mention an anxiety attack, or being sad. Never talking about ME. How dare I ever talk about myself? I'm so sick of it and I am so tired of thinking about it and being pissed off. It is draining me and it's affecting every aspect of my life. I can't do it anymore.

I have never claimed to be 100% non judgmental. It is human nature to judge people to an extent. It's not human nature to be mean, and go out of your way to be rude. And it's very childish to say things that are out of line to someone you don't know and then end your message with "I look forward to reading about this on your blog" I hope you enjoyed the entry, and I hope karma gets back around to  bite you  in the ass. I also hope to God you never have any real life issues to go through, and friends who leave you high and dry for people like yourself. It's healthy to get angry once in awhile, so thank you for fueling my anger and helping me realize how terrible people can be. And since you have blocked my ability to reply to said message I have one question for you that you may feel so inclined to answer. Why are you so interested in my life that you actually read what I write?



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