Empty(ness)

This week has not been good. I have not been okay. I shut down this week. 

I worked two days this week and my give a damn was busted before I even walked out of my door to drive to where I was working. That hasn't happened to me in quite some time so I knew it was going to be a rough two days. I literally did not care that I was there. But then it just got worse.   

I have been merely going through the motions this week. I do not remember a week like this before where I felt like I wasn't even existing. I wish I could explain the emptiness inside of me that took over this week. It was a feeling that both scared me and made me grateful. You probably wonder how that is possible. I hate that I have this life with anxiety and depression. I hate what it has the ability to do to me. It scared me because I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to handle it, I wasn't sure how to explain what was happening in my mind. I wasn't myself but I literally couldn't do anything to change it. What this terrible emptiness did to make me grateful was opened my eyes to what some who suffer the same mental illnesses live their entire lives, daily, feeling like that. I have bad days, I have terrible weeks, I have rough nights. But I know that it doesn't last but a few days (which can sometimes feel like an eternity) and some people don't have the comfort in knowing it's just a phase that will pass. I wish that upon nobody. One bad week for me is probably comparable to a day for them. 

The mental and physical exhaustion that comes with these bad weeks is something I have yet to figure out. My brain literally hurts from over thinking, worrying, and beating myself up. There hasn't been any peace and quiet in my brain for a week now, and it is exhausting. I have not had any positive self talk in over a week. I avoided mirrors so I wouldn't have to look at myself. I didn't wear real pants unless I absolutely had to. I couldn't follow a conversation because my mind wasn't in it. I would read five pages of my book and have to stop because I couldn't concentrate. Yesterday I was finally able to watch a TV show and follow along with what was happening. It sucks. It sucks to just be awake and go through the motions with no emotions, no cares, nothing. It sucks for me to have to figure out how to function like that and it sucks for my husband, my family, and anyone else that has to deal with me. 

You know those commercials that advertise anti-depressant medications? The ones that have the lady sleeping on the couch and in a dark room? That was me this week. If I could make the room that I was in dark, I did. I spent my free afternoons on the couch barely having the energy or desire to get up and take a shower. And I would be so tired after that shower I would lay back down. It's amazing what toll anxiety can take on a person. I would have all of these things I wanted to accomplish and would just think about how I needed to do them and then worry about things that don't even matter, and be tired from just thinking about them. Most of those things didn't get done. I would get up in the morning and think about how I couldn't wait to go back to bed. The fact that I got up and showered and dressed before noon was a victory in and of itself. 

What pisses me off the most about this bad week I've been having is the fact that it is 3 weeks before Christmas. Christmas time is my FAVORITE time of the year. I love to go Christmas shopping. I have had my tree up since the week before Thanksgiving. The more Christmas lights the better. Christmas music would be on all year round if it was socially acceptable. I love EVERYTHING about this time of year. And this anxiety is ruining it for me. I have not had any desire to go shopping for Christmas gifts. I haven't even had any good ideas (and I typically have some really great gift ideas!) I've hardly listened to any Christmas music, I did no other decorating except for our tree, and I haven yet to wrap the few gifts we have purchased. It is not me. It is not okay for this monster to ruin Christmas for me!! Last night we drove through Falls Park to look at the Christmas lights and I got SO excited when I saw there was a radio station of music set to the light patterns that you could listen to. I was so happy to be there that I probably could have cried. We drove around the park and got out a couple of times for a better view and to take a few pictures. It gave me hope that this funk I am in is going to end and I will get to enjoy the last few weeks before Christmas. I am always happy at this time of year and I refuse to let this battle get me down. I will prevail.

When we were in St. Louis for Thanksgiving with Matthew's family his cousin gave me a Sun Box to do light therapy. She is a Psychologist and we got to talking about her job and some of the issues people have that she treats. Someone we got on the topic of SAD, (seasonal affective disorder) which i have and will probably kick in about the middle of January. She said she has a mild case of it and that she had an extra lamp in her basement that a doctor had given her. She gave it to me. She told me it can make a HUGE difference. We brought it home and I was excited about it. This would've been the perfect week to start some type of routine with it. I have been that down and out that I just walk by it (multiple times) everyday. I am hoping that next week I will feel much better and be back to myself so I can get started with using it. I will make sure to blog about my experience with using it. I know so many doctors recommend and with how expensive they are I never took it into consideration. 

One positive out of this week is I did force myself to get back into exercising. I ran two miles on Wednesday and 2.25 on Thursday. I am hoping I can make myself run again today before we leave town for the weekend, which has also been a high point of anxiety for me. We are going back to the city we moved from last spring for a wedding. Normally I would be excited to get out of dodge for a weekend, but I cannot stop thinking about it. I hope I am able to enjoy the wedding, the weekend, and the time with old friends. 

Hope everyone else has a wonderful worry-free weekend!

My week in a nutshell.