My Quest and How [I Though]t It Broke Me

My dream has always been to become a licensed social worker. Well, not always but since I got done with college at 2010.. I tried to get into one grad school and was not accepted so I pushed my dream aside. I decided it was probably too hard anyways, and if I didn't get in right away that maybe I wasn't cut out for that. The thought would cross my mind every once in awhile but I never did anything about it, except think about it.

Fast forward to last fall. I was sick of rejection letters from jobs I applied or interviewed for, I was tired of being a substitute teacher because my anxiety won 9 out of 10 times and I wasn't really bringing in any money anyways. I finished the process I started with asking for reference letters and completing the application. My goal was to send in my application before the end of the year. The end of the year came and went. The new year came and went, I still had the application and hadn't kept up on asking for my reference letters. In March I finally had everything together and I mailed everything off. I waited, and waiting, and waited. And then I sent an email asking for the update on my application and their [ the Board of Social Workers] was that I actually qualified for a higher licensure than what I applied for so I needed one more letter and some more money before they could actually approve anything. Alright! A higher level is awesome! So, I sent a few emails requesting an extra letter and mailed the extra money that same day. I was grinning from ear to ear the whole way to the mail box!!!

Fast forward again past the official acceptance letter and the prep course I took in Omaha in April. My goal was to take the class [in April] and the exam in May. Like we all know all to well, life happened and I didn't take that exam in May. Here's what only a handful of people know. I took that exam in August. On August 8th I walked into the exam center with my head held high, my anxiety under the best control I've ever had it for such a stressful situation, and I was ready to become a licensed social worker. But I didn't. I failed that exam. I used all but about 30 minuets of my allotted time for that exam. And I failed. My dreams were gone in the blink of an eye. I didn't tell anyone that I didn't pass, unless they asked me how it went (remember only a handful of people knew I was even taking the exam). I got a lot of "well, you'll pass next time", and "that's not so bad for being out of school for so long", and "it's okay"s thrown in my face. Which, I know there isn't much else TO say to someone whose dreams were crushed, was there? I was told I could test again in 90 days. August, plus 90 days put me to November.

On that day in that test room November felt like a lifetime away. I thought to myself....well I will buy some better study materials, study for 3 months, and be OVER prepared for when November comes. Wrong, again! It's October 22nd today and other than purchasing a new study manual two weeks ago and flipping through it I have not studied. Who thought November would come so quickly? Not me!

I was very upset for a few weeks about my failure. I was mad at myself, thought I was stupid, I wasn't cut out for this work, blah blah blah. What I didn't realize is that I AM cut out for this work. I AM meant to be a licensed social worker, even it if takes me another go around at that testing center. So what? Not everyone accomplishes their goals the first time they try. If anything else the past three months have given me more drive to accomplish this dream of mine and make a difference.

I thought my quest to become a social worker broke me, but it didn't. It's not over yet.

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