The Waves

I have been hit over and over with waves of anxiety lately. I say waves because when it hits me, it comes seemingly out of nowhere. I have a couple of good days and then I am being pushed over and the wind is being knocked out of me. I barely have time to catch my breath so I can get up and fight on before the next one comes. Eventually the waves settle and I carry on. This pattern of the high tide knocking me on my ass over and over again has me so very tired. It is exhausting to fight through these feelings that are drowning me. I can't keep my head above water long enough to remember what it feels like to NOT have anxiety. Even on my "good" days I am on edge just waiting for something to happen that can change that title from "good" to "bad". What I am doing is letting a few moments of time define my entire day.  I am aware that this is just adding to my anxiety and tiredness, and it is a frame of mind that I am working to change. It doesn't always happen but when it does there is no in between. On the days that I'm not doing the doggy paddle to keep my ahead above water I am doing the dead man's float. I feel flat. Not happy, not sad, just alive. And that is probably okay for some and it might be okay for me, too, considering I am typically full of emotions of some form. I imagine it likely is a nice break for my brain, though. It's strange to not have one emotion overtaking all of the others. Is this what it is like to be content? Maybe it is, and maybe this is a good thing that is happening to me.




I am also mad. I am so mad that anxiety is driving my life the way it has been. I have gotten pretty good at recognizing what is a trigger to me and doing what I can to avoid those situations. But you know what? I'm getting tired of having to avoid situations that have caused me anxiety in the past. Just because it was a trigger before or provoked those anxious feelings once or twice, doesn't mean it always will. I admit there are several things that I know will give me anxiety no matter what I try, and that really is okay. It's okay because I have learned how to wade through those situations and I can put myself in them knowing that I can leave when it becomes too much. I've gotten much better at working through my anxiety and have been trying new techniques (no matter how hard I try, mindfulness meditation is NOT for me, at least not now) I am also tired of having to live my life by "knowing ahead of time". I used to be so spontaneous and could fly by the seat of my pants. I didn't need to know the date and time a week before hand. I didn't care who else was showing up. I didn't need to know how long I was going to be gone. I didn't freak out if I wasn't at home by 9pm. I miss being able to just walk out the door for a last minute social activity. That rarely happens now. And it makes me mad. I get that I will always have anxiety, I have accepted this and I hope those who know me and love me have accepted it as well. But that doesn't mean I have to like that. And I don't have to settle. I can be mad. And I am. I want so badly to not lay in my bed on the weekends and rest without feeling so anxious the entire time. I want to be able to be lazy and not have part of my brain nagging at me telling me that I need to get up and do something. I don't want my entire world to constantly have to revolve around this stupid anxiety that weighs me down. It's not my anchor in life so why am I letting it ground me to my anxious ways? Of course I am not going to completely dismiss the fact that this is my life, but damnitt, I can't be strong all of the time.


I need a lifejacket. I need a strong person to keep me keep me from drowning. This is why I am trying to strengthen my faith and pray more. I can't always rely on human beings, that has been made quite clear to me. I am going to continue jumping feet first into situations that may or may not be uncomfortable for me, but I am going to make sure I have my lifejacket on before doing it.
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