I am thankful. I am grateful. And I AM blessed. I am all of these things all of the time, no matter how tired or anxious or defeated I may be feeling. It isn't always easy to acknowledge these things, but they have never left.
The past month or so I have been emotionally beating myself up over things that just don't seem to be clicking with Theo, in particular his eating and sleeping habits. Theo is a little squired, he was 6.14 at birth and went down to 6.2 within the first couple of weeks. It feels like he has been playing catch up ever since. He is nearing the nine month mark in age and isn't even on the growth chart curve for his age.( I take that back, the kid's head circumference seems to be okay!) He weighs in around 15 pounds, soaking wet diaper and fully clothed. He still comfortably wears 0-3 month pants and onesies. I probably wouldn't pay any attention to any of this if I didn't have someone comment "he's a fresh one" every.where.we.go. Look, my kid is small but I promise he is mighty. He joined the world of solid (and by solid I mean baby) food about a month ago, and since then has been going back and forth between preferring food and milk, he doesn't seem to be too keen on them both at the same time. In fact, one day he didn't have any milk and scarfed down several jars of baby food. A few days after that he refused solids and sucked down one bottle of milk after another. The kid is wild. He figured out how to army crawl awhile back and he has been unstoppable since. His pediatrician believes that his constant movement contributes to his metabolism and him not gaining weight at a regular rate. He's otherwise healthy, which is what's frustrating when people make comments on his size. No, he is not a "fresh one" and no he is not "so little" he's just a boy who is growing and doing things at his own damn rate.
I've gotten into my own head about all of this, thinking that I'm failing my child because he isn't gaining weight. That I should be doing more to get him to beef up. That there's something wrong with a nine month old wearing 0-3 month clothes. But then I look at him on the daycare camera and see that he is the only kid who is in constant motion, and I tell myself that he's the one who's better off than the more sedentary kiddos. So what if he isn't on that damn stupid growth chart at the doctor's office.
His sleep habits might do me in. While they have made some improvements, they definitely took a turn when we moved into our house and we are still working to recover from that regression. I have been sucked into the rabbit hole of "sleep training" "schedule and routine is imperative" "how to get your kid to sleep through the night by 6 months" bullshit. It's not a hole that is easy to crawl out of either, let me tell you. When you read article after article and blog posts ups the ying yang about how easy sleep training is and how important it is to have a night time routine you seriously begin to doubt your parenting. Especially when your little guy is almost a year old, still wakes up to eat AT LEAST 2x a night, and doesn't sleep more than a few uninterrupted hours in his own crib. Meaning, he spends most of his nights snuggled in between me and his dad. I don't always mind it, he's a great little cuddle bug, but it is definitely disrupting my sleep and causing me to feel like a mombie with under eye bags that go to my boobs.
We have given sleep training some very lackadaisical attempts, and it turns out it's really just not for us. We know that when Theo wakes up crying he is truly hungry, remember the "always in motion, not gaining weight" bit? Yeah, if he's hungry at 11pm, 2 am, 5am, 7am, and anytime in between we are going to feed him. He seems to put himself to sleep (in his crib) at daycare, but just can't do it at home. We've tried a routine and lets be honest, two working parents really don't have the time for that shit. We don't get home at the same time every night so how in the hell can we have a consistent time based schedule? And what if we feel like skipping a bath, or going out for dinner? That sure throws a wretch in thing. We already lack a social life so we are not about to make plans around what time our kid should take a bath or have story time. And if he falls asleep in my arms with or without a bottle, I'm going to sit my ass right where I am and put him down when I feel like it. He is a mommy's boy and he lacks nurturing and touch during the day when we are at work, so you better believe I will snuggle and spoil him as much as he needs when we are at home.
I'm really making a conscience effort to just let go of the expectations and norms that are all over the intrawebs and let my boy do things at his own pace. If he doesn't sleep through the night until he is three then so be it (God I hope it's before then) If he weighs 15 pounds on his 1st birthday then he can have his cake and eat it too! I am going to drive myself crazy (ok I already have) trying to live up to all of these things that people I don't even know tell new moms. I'm exhausted from trying to be more than I can be and holding everyone together. I can't even hold myself together anymore, which means I should not be carrying the majority of everyone else's weight as well. If I don't figure out how to take care of myself first I'm never going to be able to give my all to anyone. Theo, Matthew, Wrigley, work, the neighbor, (a friend?) nobody.
I've gone off on a rant that I didn't mean to go on, but apparently needed to get out. What I'm saying is that I suck at comparing myself to everyone and everything and I need to stop. Theo will do what Theo wants to do when Theo wants to do it. At least when it comes to sleeping and eating. As long as he's healthy I don't care about how much he eats or if he is sleeping in our bed. After all, we got a king size bed so the whole family can snuggle. Me, Matthew, Theo, and Wrigley. (the smallest are the biggest bed hogs) We're a family with happy hearts and a full bed.
The past month or so I have been emotionally beating myself up over things that just don't seem to be clicking with Theo, in particular his eating and sleeping habits. Theo is a little squired, he was 6.14 at birth and went down to 6.2 within the first couple of weeks. It feels like he has been playing catch up ever since. He is nearing the nine month mark in age and isn't even on the growth chart curve for his age.( I take that back, the kid's head circumference seems to be okay!) He weighs in around 15 pounds, soaking wet diaper and fully clothed. He still comfortably wears 0-3 month pants and onesies. I probably wouldn't pay any attention to any of this if I didn't have someone comment "he's a fresh one" every.where.we.go. Look, my kid is small but I promise he is mighty. He joined the world of solid (and by solid I mean baby) food about a month ago, and since then has been going back and forth between preferring food and milk, he doesn't seem to be too keen on them both at the same time. In fact, one day he didn't have any milk and scarfed down several jars of baby food. A few days after that he refused solids and sucked down one bottle of milk after another. The kid is wild. He figured out how to army crawl awhile back and he has been unstoppable since. His pediatrician believes that his constant movement contributes to his metabolism and him not gaining weight at a regular rate. He's otherwise healthy, which is what's frustrating when people make comments on his size. No, he is not a "fresh one" and no he is not "so little" he's just a boy who is growing and doing things at his own damn rate.
I've gotten into my own head about all of this, thinking that I'm failing my child because he isn't gaining weight. That I should be doing more to get him to beef up. That there's something wrong with a nine month old wearing 0-3 month clothes. But then I look at him on the daycare camera and see that he is the only kid who is in constant motion, and I tell myself that he's the one who's better off than the more sedentary kiddos. So what if he isn't on that damn stupid growth chart at the doctor's office.
His sleep habits might do me in. While they have made some improvements, they definitely took a turn when we moved into our house and we are still working to recover from that regression. I have been sucked into the rabbit hole of "sleep training" "schedule and routine is imperative" "how to get your kid to sleep through the night by 6 months" bullshit. It's not a hole that is easy to crawl out of either, let me tell you. When you read article after article and blog posts ups the ying yang about how easy sleep training is and how important it is to have a night time routine you seriously begin to doubt your parenting. Especially when your little guy is almost a year old, still wakes up to eat AT LEAST 2x a night, and doesn't sleep more than a few uninterrupted hours in his own crib. Meaning, he spends most of his nights snuggled in between me and his dad. I don't always mind it, he's a great little cuddle bug, but it is definitely disrupting my sleep and causing me to feel like a mombie with under eye bags that go to my boobs.
We have given sleep training some very lackadaisical attempts, and it turns out it's really just not for us. We know that when Theo wakes up crying he is truly hungry, remember the "always in motion, not gaining weight" bit? Yeah, if he's hungry at 11pm, 2 am, 5am, 7am, and anytime in between we are going to feed him. He seems to put himself to sleep (in his crib) at daycare, but just can't do it at home. We've tried a routine and lets be honest, two working parents really don't have the time for that shit. We don't get home at the same time every night so how in the hell can we have a consistent time based schedule? And what if we feel like skipping a bath, or going out for dinner? That sure throws a wretch in thing. We already lack a social life so we are not about to make plans around what time our kid should take a bath or have story time. And if he falls asleep in my arms with or without a bottle, I'm going to sit my ass right where I am and put him down when I feel like it. He is a mommy's boy and he lacks nurturing and touch during the day when we are at work, so you better believe I will snuggle and spoil him as much as he needs when we are at home.
I'm really making a conscience effort to just let go of the expectations and norms that are all over the intrawebs and let my boy do things at his own pace. If he doesn't sleep through the night until he is three then so be it (God I hope it's before then) If he weighs 15 pounds on his 1st birthday then he can have his cake and eat it too! I am going to drive myself crazy (ok I already have) trying to live up to all of these things that people I don't even know tell new moms. I'm exhausted from trying to be more than I can be and holding everyone together. I can't even hold myself together anymore, which means I should not be carrying the majority of everyone else's weight as well. If I don't figure out how to take care of myself first I'm never going to be able to give my all to anyone. Theo, Matthew, Wrigley, work, the neighbor, (a friend?) nobody.
I've gone off on a rant that I didn't mean to go on, but apparently needed to get out. What I'm saying is that I suck at comparing myself to everyone and everything and I need to stop. Theo will do what Theo wants to do when Theo wants to do it. At least when it comes to sleeping and eating. As long as he's healthy I don't care about how much he eats or if he is sleeping in our bed. After all, we got a king size bed so the whole family can snuggle. Me, Matthew, Theo, and Wrigley. (the smallest are the biggest bed hogs) We're a family with happy hearts and a full bed.
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