Its Not Me. It's YOU.

I am in a perpetual state of fight or flight. I am always going straight to negative self talk. I cry in my car and yell out loud to myself "What is wrong with me?!" I believe I am not good enough for anyone or any anything. I am a continual work in progress. I know that, but I can't always believe that. When I'm in a high state of anxiety I forget that I am doing extremely hard work. I discount all of the work I have done. I tell myself I'm not doing everything I should be doing. There is more I need to do, better ways to deal, cope, I need to be thriving instead of just surviving.

I blame myself. All of the time. For everything. I blame myself for things you say to me. I blame myself for failing out of college. I think it's my fault people have walked out of my life. I search for a reason to blame myself for all of the pain, both physical and emotional, that have been afflicted on me. I take the blame for people's misunderstandings of me. I internalize and blame myself for literally everything. When my family sucks? I blame me. When work doesn't go well? I blame me. When someone forgets I exist I take the fault on myself. That thing that someone said to me when I was 10 years old? That's my fault. Not being invited to a birthday party when everyone else was, well that was obviously my fault too. Most people will point the finger at anyone except themselves to avoid having to take blame. Not this ball of anxious energy. I am my own worst critic in a way I never understood. I have created a self esteem that is so poor you wouldn't believe it if I told you. I have a self image that I believe may scare you. It's gotten that bad. My lack of self confidence is lost and I am at a lost of where to find it.

I don't know if I am fully convinced that it has always been this way, but I'm sure the farther I get in this uncovering process the clearer that answer will be. I do accredit the recent onset of all of this self blame having a lot do with years of not being heard. Multiple people coming and going in my life, starting as far back as 12 years ago, leaving me to believe there is something wrong with ME. I'm the common denominator after all. If I was a better person in general people wouldn't be so quick to leave me in the dust. If I didn't have these open wounds I am trying to stitch back together maybe I wouldn't be so sensitive, thus blaming myself less for things out of my control. The lines between what things truly were and are my fault and things that are completely ridiculous that I am taking on myself are currently blurred. It's not going to be a quick or easy process to bring those lines and boundaries back into focus, but I can tell you that I am not going to give up. Even when I say I am going to or I see no other option than TO give up, I won't. I promise. And if you have it in you to hold me to that or help me to stay on track, please do. Please check in with me and give me all the positive energy and encouragement that you can. I can't do this alone, and while I know that I don't always feel like I am doing it with anyone but myself. Don't let me take blame for shit I didn't do or cause or say. Own up to you, and help me break this cycle of self blame.

                                                      Trying to carry the load alone is what's breaking me:


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