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My Brain On Anxiety

Look, I know everyone has a different experience with anxiety and the like. Even my experience has changed over time. Hell half the time the way I experience anxiety changes from one day to the next. The one thing that is always consistent no matter what is this; my brain on anxiety is a liar.

When I have bouts of anxiety that i struggle through because I don’t know why or where it’s coming from, my brain goes in 10 different directions telling me 10 different things that I probably fucked up and that’s what is causing me to feel like I’m dying. And yes, sometimes it truly does feel that way. More often than not only one of those things my brain is yelling at me abut is (partially) true.

When anxiety strikes after a situation (meaning I likely know what’s going on up there) it’s just as scary if not scarier than when it just shows up. When it’s situational it’s easier to catastrophize (I don’t know how to spell that word and spell check doesn’t either.) the whole thing. I have details and concrete information that my brain can run wild with; thus causing an anxiety attack or even works, a panic attack. It can happen in the comfort of my own home, in the middle of the same grocery store or Target store I have been to dozens of times, halfway through mowing the lawn, in my car when I’m driving 70 down I-35. Literally anywhere. The shitty thing is I can’t always stop what I’m doing and to calm myself the fuck down. My brain on anxiety is telling me that I am not safe and that I need to make myself safe. Am I truly in danger? No. Does my brain know that? No. The fight or flight instinct in me is a strong one but sometimes freeze is my only options.

It is not very easy for me to be rational when I am anxious. If I don’t force myself to take a step back 9 times out of 10 I end up saying or doing something completely stupid out of emotion. Like spending $60 at the creepiest place in town (Ross Dress For Less for those of you who are unaware) on shit that I’m going to take back because I don’t need it, it doesn’t fit or I didn’t want it in the first place. I just wanted to cope and at the time that was the safest activity (...ish) That’s my brain on anxiety.

I don’t care how many people tell me I’m okay, I’m safe, I’m loved, etc etc. in the midst of these long, exhausting stints of anxiety I’m probably not feeling that and it's not going to regulate me any faster. It's validating and appreciated, yes. But my brain on anxiety doesn't believe it in the moment.

That's the struggle of my brain on anxiety.

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