Bad (Mon)day

I used to have really terrible Mondays. I could always count on Monday's anxiety being sky high. I started taking my PRN on Sunday nights to help alleviate that. It worked. Eventually my Tuesdays started to become the shitty days. Mondays were good and Tuesdays were bad. It was weird. This week, Monday was bad. I had the holiday off so I planned on getting a few things and just vegging. The morning went well and the next thing I knew I was so anxious and restless that I couldn't focus for more than what felt like 5 minuets. My brain was doing circles in my head and all I could think of was negative things. Things like...
I am fat. And ugly.
Nobody at home misses me.
I don't have any friends.
My husband is secretly glad that I am in Texas, away from him.
I am a burden on everyone I know.
I suck at everything I try to do.
I have no hobbies, and I am annoying.
Everyone holds my anxiety disorder against me and thinks I am fucked up.

You know, the basic lies that anxiety and depression are really good at planting in your head. I went from being anxious and restless to downright sad. I tried to do some of my coping mechanisms. Coloring worked for about 20 minutes. Reading didn't work because yesterday I had to re read the pages that I did manage to read. I couldn't get anything to come out when I tried to blog. Netflix increased my anxiety because I became overwhelmed by trying to pick out a show. Music worked, until I decided that none of the songs were good.

Wrigley. He helped. I snuggled with him, closed my eyes, and tried to just be. I think some tears probably slid out of my eyes, but he's really good at getting those for me.  I took him for a short little walk and the fresh air helped. I just couldn't get my brain to shut up. I think I eventually fell asleep shortly before 10, woke up again around 11, and was awake several times thereafter. At my typical 3 am wake up I stayed up for awhile before deciding that was stupid because I knew I had some trainings at work that would need real attention. Last night I finally slept better until about 4 am and then I was in and out.

I know bad days happen, but days that literally in incapacitate me really suck. My dreams have been so fucked up the last couple of weeks two and I'm starting to wonder if it was my med switch that is causing them. Seriously, last night I had a dream that I was dating Carrie Underwood, what the hell!? (Not that I would turn her down, but I'm a man! Happily!)

Bottom line is, anxiety doesn't let me forget that it is there. I miss people from home but I don't miss home..(yet?..) I miss having my husband right next to me, but I guess the hard lesson is that he won't always be there. I need to find my new "work person" (Katie, nobody will be as good at that as you were!) I need to let reality completely set in.

And I need to slap my brain and tell it to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!


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