Fire Away/Update

This morning I was on my way to work and the local radio station was talking about a new song and music video by Chris Stapleton. They had a brief conversation about the powerful message of the video and how it relates to mental illness. When I got to work I watched his video and was blown away. This is definitely an amazing song with an incredibly powerful message.

Until I met Matthew I had walls up and I was guarded. I didn't share my depression with anyone because nobody believed me. I was always, always, ALWAYS told that I had plenty to be happy about and to "cheer up". Well I tried to "cheer up". I knew I had plenty to be happy about in life. Until I didn't. Until Matthew I didn't have anyone to listen to me. I didn't have anyone willing to listen to me non judgmentally and let me just tell him my story. It wasn't because he didn't have anything in his own life to deal with, but (and it took me a long time to see it) it was because he truly cared about me as a person and as a friend. He didn't want me to hold my feelings inside. He wanted to know everything there was to know about me.....for the most part. He wanted to know what made my gears go.  He wanted to know why and how my heart was so recently shattered when we met. He wanted to know about my family, my job, my friends. He wanted to know anything that I was willing to tell him. And he never once judged me. He never told me I was stupid for feeling the way I did. He never questioned why I thought I was depressed or anxious. He never laughed when I told him about my therapy. He held me when I cried. He left me alone when I pushed him away. He always came back. I tried so hard to push him away because I had no idea why someone as nice as him would want anything to do with me. Why would he care about my feelings? Why would he want to hang out with someone who felt so sad all of the time? Why would he drop what he was doing to just be with me? Why would he EVER in a MILLION YEARS, want to love me?

The better question was....why wouldn't I let him? I wouldn't let him in for quite a few months because I was so scared. I knew that he was friendly, that he enjoyed my company, that he did take interest in what I had to say, but for some reason I still didn't quite trust him. I tried to sabotage any chance I had with him and it didn't work. Eventually my heart said yes. He told me all of the time that he was never going to leave me, and so far he hasn't, even when I've done all but force him out. He lets me fire away until I am completely out of ammo, and then he helps me reload he keep firing. He doesn't care (usually...) if I am mad at him for something he didn't do, if I'm mad at my mom, my dad, my co worker, the neighbors, or myself. He lets me blow until I am out of steam. And then he brings me back to reality. Nobody in my entire life has ever been that person for me. I have some people who I can call and vent to, but not the way I can with Matthew. And at the end of the day there's no saying when those people are going to walk away and not come back. Matthew has seen me at my worst and he has gotten me to my best. He doesn't care what diagnosis the mental health doctors give me, he doesn't care how much the meds cost as long as they work, he doesn't care what I rant about, how often I cry for no reason, if I can't get out of bed and face the day, if I don't want to be in public anymore, if I'm overwhelmed and have to leave...he doesn't care about any of that. He cares about me and my feelings, even when I fail to realize it. He has a bullet proof vest that he wars daily and for that I am thankful. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I thank God that he gave me someone so strong.

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Update from yesterday's blog post:

I didn't irrationally write that post. I was upset over what had occurred for 24 hours and decided if I was still upset then it was worth a write. What happened afterwards proved a few of my points. If you are somehow who reads my blog regularly and thinks to yourself "wow, I wonder if everything is okay", here is a tip: REACH OUT! I don't write my blog to scare anyone, and when going back to read my most recent posts I truly didn't find any of it to be "scary". If you know me well, if you talk to me often, if you have a vested interested in me and my life, that nothing that I have posted should scare you. I have been in a HUGE life transition the past two months so it shouldn't really be much of a shock to people that I have struggled a little bit here and there. I have bad days, and I know my bad days can be worse than other people's bad days, but we are all entitled to them. They are a part of life. I share my life with anxiety with the small percent chance that maybe it will help someone who thinks they may also have anxiety or can at least understand where I am coming from. I don't do it for any other reasons than that, and my own. It is a coping skill I have come to love. Keeping things inside isn't good for me, writing them is therapeutic, and if nobody is able to read what I write then I don't feel like it helps. What I do ask is if you take it upon yourself to read this blog I pour my heart into, do not judge me. Do not judge my life, my coping skills, or tell me that I need to do other things to cope. I know me the best, which means I know what I need and what works. Everyone is different. I am always open to suggestions, but  before anyone suggests something to someone living with mental illness, you need to know what they have done, what they currently do, and what has been tried and failed. Shooting off your opinion is not okay. It's insulting and it's hurtful. Just my food for thought today.

P.S. I do not bite. =)

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