Axiety Vs. Excitement

Within the last year or so I have noticed that when something exciting in my life is happening, say...a big trip, or even a holiday, I get so excited that it's anxiety inducing. I often times have a hard time distinguishing the excitement from the anxiety, and it is so frustrating to not know. I love trips and vacations and holidays and weekends when friends or family visit, especially if it's something that has been planned for a long time. At the same time I hate it because I can't settle myself down. I get worked up inside and it's hard for me to sit and focus on a task without my mind wondering and thinking and going around and around and around.

Matthew and I are one day away from leaving for, what will to me be, the trip of a lifetime. We are leaving for a 10 (12 if you count the two and from days) day European Vacation! This trip has been in the works for about a year now and it's hard to believe that the time has actually come to pack our suitcases and get everything in order for our departure. We had no idea we would be living in Austin when this trip was being planned, and we still had no idea we would be here when the final dates were set. We also didn't know where we would be flying into/out of since it is a group trip with several other of Matthew's family members. Getting that situation figured out was stressful enough, and now here we are. We fly out of Austin and into Springfield on Thursday, and then head to St. Louis on Friday and head overseas. Oofta. I love me some airplane rides, but this trip could have the potential to ruin that for me!

Back to anxiety vs. excitement. I am currently trying to stop my brain from going 1000 miles per hour, stay in my chair, quit making lists, and QUIT WORRYING. All at the same time making sure I am prepared. Prepared for all of the anxiety this is going to cause in the next 48 hours. Prepared for a long trip with people I do not know. Prepared for meltdowns, prepared for absolutely anything that could happen but probably won't. I am so excited for my first long vacation, my first time overseas, excited to see all of the history in Berlin and Munich. Pure excitement. Or is it? I am one who likes plans and to know things head of time so I can kind of prepare for what to expect. With this, I am lost. I have NO idea what to expect and it probably won't register with me that I am actually in Germany until day 2 or 3 of being over there. It's something I have been working on, but it's much easier said than done. I want to know everything that is coming up, no surprises. And guess who doesn't even have an! I can't eve explain how anxious that makes me. How am I supposed to let me my mom know where I am and when (I imagine she is a bit nervous herself), and how am I supposed to plan my day in my mind. I know, I know, plans don't mean shit on vacation, but for peace of mind, I have to have them. In the back of my head. Just in case.

When I get myself worked up over something exciting I tend to have multiple personalities show. I have mood swings that go up and down quicker than I can track. I talk and talk and talk, I shut down and keep to myself. I laugh, I cry, I scream, I yell, I jump up and down. I simply go crazy. Right up until the time comes. Whether that is buckling up in the car for a long road trip, greeting my company in the parking lot, paying admission fees to something fun, seeing friends I haven't seen in forever, or, in tomorrows case, go through security at the airport. I'm literally unpredictable. And it sucks. Not only for me, but for EVERYONE. I feel like I imagine coffee addicts feel when they are hopped up on caffeine. And other than my normal cup of coffee and two glasses of ice tea, I have not over done it on caffeine today, by any means. I also feel like a zombie. I feel like I didn't sleep last night, or the night before, or the night before that either. And maybe I didn't, but I know I wasn't laying awake all night either. I just have so many things weighing on me that I can't stop my brain from making me dizzy. I want to give up and conquer the world at the same time.

Does anyone else ever get so excited that they're anxious. Or do exciting things cause you more anxiety than excitement. Or are you all as confused as me about what the hell is happening in your brain?


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