Skip to main content

What I Learned

We had Christmas with my mom's family this past weekend. I know, Christmas was a month ago, but we never get together until January. Which is okay with me because it keeps the Christmas spirit alive just a little bit longer! Our family is growing, and not because any of us are having kids, etc. It's because we have so many "adopted" family members. We had four extra bodies at my aunt and uncles house this weekend, which compared to some families still isn't that many people. I think we had 14 total? As a side note, it makes me happy that so many people enjoy our family enough to feel welcome at our holidays :)

What I learned about myself this weekend is I do not do well in small areas with many people. My uncle has a bar in his basement. We usually spend our time down there drinking, conversing, maybe dancing, and having fun. There were so many people down there this time around that I felt like I wasn't truly able to let go and unwind. I was constantly moving, trying to find an open area where I wasn't standing directly next to someone. His bar isn't exactly small, but when you pack 10 plus people in there, it feels small. I had many moments of near panic. I've never really had that problem before. When we were sitting in the dinging room crammed elbow to elbow around the table to play Bingo, I was fine. Maybe it's because we were all sitting in our spots and not moving around, etc. I have no idea.

What I also learned, is I cannot stand "waiting". My aunt and uncle, who were hosting us, came up with a fun little gift for all of us that involved numbers. We had to pick a small shot off of the tree and there was a number on the bottom of the bottle. We went in numerical order of then picking a gift. And THEN we had to go in numerical order of OPENING them. Oh my god. It was painful. Once two or three people opened we understood we were all getting the same things in our packages as a joke I thought we should all just open them and be done with it. Not the case, my loud and obnoxious aunt had to shout at everyone to "wait their turn". It was not fun.

My dad retired on Friday night so we had a little celebration and gave him a few gifts. It was quick and painless. On Saturday before supper he decided he wanted to give us the speech he gave at work the day before, and show us a few of the gifts from his co workers. I was expecting a 10-15 minute speech and to move on to the meal, etc. I was wrong. My dad is not a public speaker. He gets way off topic and starts to ramble. (nerves, I imagine) It was not good for me. I had to leave three times during his speech to take deep breaths and get myself under control. I felt bad because I love my dad, am excited for his retirement, and wanted to hear what he had to say...but I think he had bad timing. Maybe it's a patience thing, maybe it's an anxiety thing. Whatever it was, I was not having it. I am glad I recognized it and was able to step away for a few seconds (and keep my mouth shut!)

I'm glad I learned those things about myself this weekend. It will allow me to be on cue in future situations. I can recognize what is happening and know that it will pass and I will be fine. 


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Lost.

Life lately has been hard. I had a rough week and it seems to have carried through the weekend as well. I hate to even admit that because I'm trying to make some changes in my brain. I'm trying to hammer out what a bad day really is. I'm trying to learn what makes a bad day in Meghan's world. I've been down on myself lately and I don't even understand why. Nothing has changed. My anxiety is constant and I feel like I don't even remember what it's like to not be hyper vigilant. I am in this state of constant worry with "what ifs" running rampant in my brain. It's been having difficulty concentrating on my job, being present in conversations, and even caring about myself in general. I've been irritable and tired.  I just haven't been myself and because I don't know what the real issue is I don't know what to do to bring myself back. I'm stuck. I'm full of doubt and worry and none of it is worth the time I spend thinkin...

Word Vomit

This world and the people in it have gotten so.....delusional. Somewhere along the line people forgot that kindness is free. I'm not talking about helping someone who can't reach the top shelf at the grocery store (although this is something I often do!), or holding the door (common decency) but the kindness that comes along with listening to people who have different opinions than your own. Treating them with respect even if you don't agree with what they're saying. Not making assumptions based on what someone does or does not do. And quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Perhaps I'm in the minority with my thoughts and opinions and morals and beliefs, but even so I shouldn't feel so afraid or sharing them. I try to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself to avoid being attacked by the keyboard warriors, but I realize that this is part of the problem. As tired as I am of the news and the debates and arguments and name calling and judging over COVID 19, BLM, ...

"The" and not "My"

I started this post a few weeks ago, and just couldn't figure out where to go with it. In the time between when I started it and now I have been extremely mindful of this and my wording around how I am feeling. And I can tell you that I feel exactly how I was hoping I would. It's almost a feeling of freedom. It's really amazing what a shift in thought patterns can do. It's not to say that I am not experiencing the crippling anxiety and all that goes along with that; but I feel much more confident in my ability to fight. Something that I say all of the time when referring to how anxious I am or what I'm feeling is "my anxiety is super high." I never realized I was even saying that but I've definitely been more mindful of it as of late. I noticed that when I own the anxiety as if it is part of me, it makes me feel less empowered. Less empowered to fight through it, accept the feelings that come with anxiety, and much less motivation to be so resilie...