Anxious and Risk-Averse

We become anxious and risk-averse. When we experience success, we don’t fully allow ourselves to experience the joy of accomplishment.”
I found this statement while reading a blog about how to be kinder to yourself. Wow did it hit home. I have previously mentioned how hard I am on myself and how I my self esteem has been in the garbage more often than not the past 6-8 months. I was on this constant roller coaster of up and down but the self talk became more and more negative as time went on. The words “be kind to yourself” didn't exist in my mind and they certainly weren't being put to use. This particular phrase is exactly how I felt when I got the phone call for my first job offer since moving to Sioux Falls. I was so stressed out and anxious about life that when I accepted the job and called to tell my mom (yes, she was the first person I called, because someday I won’t be able to call her at all) and my husband I had zero excitement or joy in my voice. Why wouldn't someone, like me, who has been hoping and praying for a job offer for 8 months NOT be ecstatic, thrilled, and jumping with joy about a job offer that came A WEEK before Christmas?!
Because anxiety.
I was so used to crushed hope and rejection that maybe there was a part of me saying “it’s just a joke, this isn't real, don’t get too excited!”. And maybe because it had been so long since good news has come my way that I forgot HOW to be excited about it. Maybe the “holy shit I have to go to work in a few weeks” thoughts crossed my mind and I was so anxious that I couldn't even be excited if I tried. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pregnancy

Image
There are several things I'm open about all of the time. There are also some things that I am not as open about because I still believe I will be judged or shamed if I am. But, it's time for me to tell the world that pregnancy is hard. Yes I have had a very smooth 23 weeks when it comes to sickness, complications, potential abnormalities and all of that stuff. But mentally (and even physically) this experience is beginning to take it's toll on me. I don't think I have that "glow" that everyone talks about, and I honestly haven't even gained any weight except for in my belly (I hear that one often!) But what I have been internalizing and faking my way through, for several different reasons, is that it's hard. It's hard on me mentally, and it's hard on me physically in different ways. I do recognize that I had a few things against me when I started this journey (one that my husband and I chose so I am in no way saying any of this in a negative l…
Read more

And Then He Was Here

Image
Wow. My pregnancy journey ended four weeks ago already. Theo Conner just didn't want to hang on until his due date so he joined the world on 3.15.18 at 1:13pm. And boy have the last four weeks been a whirlwind. Here is the story of Theo!

On Wednesday March 14 Matthew and I went to work like any other ol' day. Around 3pm I called Matthew and told him I had reached my max for the day and was going to head home early. Matthew said he had a terrible headache and was also going to head home early. Wrigley needed his heartworm pill so I contemplated stopping on the way home, in the end I did stop. When I got home I took a short nap and when I woke up I had a rush of energy and was restless. I asked Matthew if he wanted to get out of here so we went to Jason's Deli for dinner. I was in a cheerful mood and joked and giggled the entire time we were out. On the way home my mom called me and when I answered I said "no mom, there is no baby yet!" She laughed and told me that…
Read more

Easier

Image
After struggling several weeks with postpartum baby blues and fighting really hard to not let them get out of control, I read a lot of articles and blogs about how it gets easier. When I reached out to the few people I know who have small children, or have recently had a baby, they told me the same thing. Our pediatrician, and my OBGYN doctor said it too. It. Gets. Easier. And ya know what?! They were ALL right!!! I am not out of the woods by any means, but when comparing the second five weeks with the first six or seven they have definitely gotten easier. I didn't know how hard it was going to be but it was a relief to know that it's normal and it's common to have all of the thoughts and feelings that I had upon bringing home our first baby. I would imagine those thoughts and feelings still show up after every newborn, but knowing what it's like has got to make the transition a bit more manageable.

My first response (to myself) when I kept hearing that it gets easier…
Read more