Anxious and Risk-Averse

We become anxious and risk-averse. When we experience success, we don’t fully allow ourselves to experience the joy of accomplishment.”

I found this statement while reading a blog about how to be kinder to yourself. Wow did it hit home. I have previously mentioned how hard I am on myself and how I my self esteem has been in the garbage more often than not the past 6-8 months. I was on this constant roller coaster of up and down but the self talk became more and more negative as time went on. The words “be kind to yourself” didn't exist in my mind and they certainly weren't being put to use. This particular phrase is exactly how I felt when I got the phone call for my first job offer since moving to Sioux Falls. I was so stressed out and anxious about life that when I accepted the job and called to tell my mom (yes, she was the first person I called, because someday I won’t be able to call her at all) and my husband I had zero excitement or joy in my voice. Why wouldn't someone, like me, who has been hoping and praying for a job offer for 8 months NOT be ecstatic, thrilled, and jumping with joy about a job offer that came A WEEK before Christmas?!

Because anxiety.

I was so used to crushed hope and rejection that maybe there was a part of me saying “it’s just a joke, this isn't real, don’t get too excited!”. And maybe because it had been so long since good news has come my way that I forgot HOW to be excited about it. Maybe the “holy shit I have to go to work in a few weeks” thoughts crossed my mind and I was so anxious that I couldn't even be excited if I tried.