I Am Weak. I Am Strong.

Here we go. It's time for me to get real, again.

I know I have mentioned several times about people's reaction to my big move from SD to TX. I know I've talked about their lack in faith that I could handle such a huge move and how it drove my ambition to succeed in this move. For some reason this gave me the idea that bad days weren't okay anymore. In my mind I conjured up this idea, or thought, and eventually belief that I had to be strong and I couldn't show any sign of weakness, because that would just get everyone to throw it back in my face and throw the big fat I TOLD YOU SOs in my face. This is a terrible belief and I've tried so hard to push it out of my mind. It lays dormant and every once in awhile slowly creeps back into my thought process. This is so ridiculous and I know it. It's ridiculous because I have been on a mission for over six months now to dismiss all toxic people in my life. With less toxins in my life, that thought of not being able to appear weak should disappear, right? Wrong. For some reason that is still there, nagging in the back of my mind. The truth is nobody has said any version of "I told you so" to me and I've been in Austin for four months. Maybe I just do that good of a job of playing the role or strong, or maybe it's because people really, truly, want me to succeed. I'm going to be optimistic and say it's the latter. The reason I don't know the difference is because people simply don't reach out. Matthew and I were feeling a little homesick on Saturday night and after a video chat with my parents we decided to call some others, starting with my brother and working our way down the list of people who we thought would answer. We didn't have much luck, but the ones who did answer said they were so happy to hear from us. Sure we were a few mixed drinks in after playing hours of video games, but that didn't matter. We enjoyed seeing familiar faces and hearing comforting voices. We laughed, we reminisced, and we told everyone to come and visit us! And then Monday happened. I got up earlier than normal, wore a dress, did my hair and make up, and got to work early. I have no idea where or why it went downhill from there but I sent Matthew a text sometime in the morning saying "my anxiety is stupid high today" (or something like that). I struggled through the day, and I wished I had someone to talk to. Matthew knows my hard days suck, and he is great at keeping me in check, but sometimes I need a friend. A girlfriend, a guy friend, just a friend. He needs a break from listening to me. I am guilty of not always calling my friends when I say "I'll give you a call later this week" but I really try. I text, I Facebook, hell I even email. And sometimes I just feel like I am always the one shut out, ignored, forgotten. Like something is wrong with me that a majority of everyone I have ever been friends with puts me on the bottom of their list of people they care about. I also know very well that people have their own problems, their own issues, their own stressors and they don't always have time to reach out to little old me . But what I also know is that those people DO reach out to others and, for lack of a better phrase, replace others (like me). I feel like I have lost so many friends over the years because I wasn't physically there to put in effort. I like to think I put in a fair amount of effort no matter how far away I am from my friends, but it's not always good enough. I have phases of not wanting to talk to people, of ignoring phone calls, texts messages, what you have you, but it's just that, a phase. I always come back around. I always send a "hey sorry, wasn't feeling well" message. I try to catch up, to reach out, to BE there. It's just never enough. And I'm tired of that. I'm so tired of it that I don't even want to make any friends down here for fear of them not including me. Matthew knows that I am the first to include everyone, and the one that never gets included. It's hard.

Back to what I was getting at. I'm not going to be afraid to show my weaknesses anymore. I'm not going to let a silly thought stop me from showing my real feelings. I'm not going to think twice about admitting that I get homesick now and then, but it's never a debilitating homesickness. It's normal to feel homesick when you live away from family. Why should I act like it's abnormal?! I'm not going to stop admitting defeat on my bad days. I'm not going to let people talk down to me when I am feeling weak and sad and lonely. I'm going to be okay with going home from work and crawling into bed on days that I literally can't do anything else. I'm going to keep fighting the good fight. I'm going to keep learning my triggers, trying to find new coping mechanisms, and I'm going to keep pushing myself to get out and do something on those days that I have the energy to do it. I'll keep smiling when I feel like I have it in me. I'll keep quiet when I don't want to say the wrong thing. I'll keep begging and pleading for my friends to not forget me. But I won't bother those who have already forgotten.

And when Matthew tells me "Wow, you are in a great mood today!!" I'm going to keep replying with "Yes I am, so don't fuck it up!!" Because that's true love.


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