On Monday I started writing a blog post about our vacation to Germany. My brain detoured and I had to quit. I can't get back into that post so I am going to write about something else. It's hard for me to write about this, because once again, I am afraid of the judgment that will come. I know that posting public blogs is glutton for judgment and I also know that most of what I believe people will say or think is made up in my head and people aren't really thinking. Those are my insecurities and my anxiety convincing me that everyone is out to get me. Anyway, here goes.

When we were on vacation I had my first bout of homesickness since I left South Dakota. I had a few days here and there where I missed home, but it wasn't anything like what I felt over the past several days. I didn't wish that I was home instead of in Germany by any means, but I did wish I was going back to Sioux Falls instead of Austin. What a silly thing, when I love this city so much. I do have a few suspicions about what made me feel like I wanted to go back to Sioux Falls vs Austin, and most of those include not being settled in our apartment yet. Before Matthew got here I did as much unpacking as I could without him. When he came, he brought more things that we don't have room for. Because he came three weeks before our vacation was planned we were focused on him starting his new job and making sure we had what we needed in order to go on vacation. We did what we could as far as going through what was left to be put away or stored, and that was it. We haven't even gone couch shopping yet because we have nowhere to put a couch. Anyway, the fact that I knew I was coming home to a "mess" made me want to go back in time and be back in SF. Budget wise we were also waiting for Wrigley's monthly vet bill to be up before getting a small storage unit. HIs last payment was in April, so that money is freed up for us to find storage. It was going to be priority number one when we returned. Until I got sick on vacation and Matthew came home with what I had while we were there. I have a hard time focusing on tasks when I have a mess at home, and it's really started to interrupt most aspects of my life. My hope is that we will both be feeling better by the weekend so we can get the storage unit secured and go couch shopping. It is not in any way comfortable to not have furniture to relax on. There was a day or two when I wanted nothing more than to sit on my mom's lap and let her rock me. And yes, my mom, who is a good four inches shorter and 25 pounders lighter than me, lets me curl up on her lap while she rocks me. It may only last five minutes, but it is one of my favorite things to this day. I said "I miss my mom" to Matthew more times in the week we were gone than I have in the past three months. And it was the truth. I missed my mom so much that I really couldn't think about anything else. I believe leaving the sate for the first time since moving is what caused these emotions to flood my brain and my thoughts. Per my typical post vacation blues, I am having a rough time bouncing back. My homesickness is not nearly as bad as it was while I was overseas, but it is still there lingering in the back of my mind just enough to cause me anxiety. Yesterday I felt depressed and that feeling has carried over into today as well. Nothing has made me smile and my affect has been flat. I don't know why I always have to have such strong emotions when I return from extended vacations, especially because I absolutely LOVE traveling, even if it's just for a weekend getaway and I don't want that to stop.

I have been going through the motions the last three days, just hoping to wake up and feel better. I usually try to fight through it and force myself to feel better and get back into the swing of things, but this time I simply do not have the energy. And that is okay.

One day everything that hurts us will only be remembered by the good things, the great memories that will always make us smile.:  


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