There are several things I'm open about all of the time. There are also some things that I am not as open about because I still believe I will be judged or shamed if I am. But, it's time for me to tell the world that pregnancy is hard. Yes I have had a very smooth 23 weeks when it comes to sickness, complications, potential abnormalities and all of that stuff. But mentally (and even physically) this experience is beginning to take it's toll on me. I don't think I have that "glow" that everyone talks about, and I honestly haven't even gained any weight except for in my belly (I hear that one often!) But what I have been internalizing and faking my way through, for several different reasons, is that it's hard. It's hard on me mentally, and it's hard on me physically in different ways. I do recognize that I had a few things against me when I started this journey (one that my husband and I chose so I am in no way saying any of this in a negative light) like anxiety and being susceptible to having depressive episodes. Because I started out with such a smooth pregnancy I really thought the whole ride would be smooth. Boy was a I wrong. A few weeks ago I finally acknowledged, out loud, that it's hard. I'm not anywhere close to being in the clear with these crazy feelings and emotions so it is important that I learn how to cope with and process everything. I can't continue to internalize and hope it all just goes away because we all know how well that works. I need to work on knowing how to decipher if I'm having pregnancy related symptoms or if it's truly my mental heath getting in the way. Am I projecting all of my anxiety into worrying about being a mom? Is there something underlying that I haven't acknowledged? All of these things are going to have to be sorted out to prevent me from going absolutely nutty. So here goes nothing.

Pregnancy is hard. I am second guessing my ability to be a mom all of the time. I know I can be and WILL be but that doesn't stop the second guessing. I am mentally beating myself up by trying to continue to do everything and not ask for help. My resistance isn't in the asking, it's the history of nobody being willing to help, or only willing to do so on their terms. I am becoming so overwhelmed to the point of tears and all I can say is "it's hard!" Being pregnant and away from home is another trigger for all of these crazy emotions. I do not have close friends here. I have no family here who care to check in on us or simply see how I am doing. It sucks going through this amazing transition and not having my parents around to watch me, literally, grow. I can't share the excitement of baby kicking inside of me or the progress on his nursery or show off all the adorable outfits we have gotten for him. I don't seem to have friends (here) who are willing to do anything that doesn't involve drinking. Trust me, I miss happy hour and long nights of music, beer, and laughter, but that just isn't an option for me right now. I don't have a big group of or circle of friends here to begin with, and begins I'm already so good at isolating, it has gotten worse. I'm very fearful of what my level of isolation could reach post partum as well. There are so many things that are just plain hard that I never imagined at the beginning of all of this. I do know that all of the tears and frustrations and aches and pains will be worth it, though.

I am in physical pain that I feel like complaining about until I just get dismissed or brushed off as being dramatic, so I just don't. I am moving slower than I normally do and that's a tough adjustment for me. I am unable to sleep through the most nights but when I talk about that I get told to "get used to it." I have the strangest appetite I've ever had. I almost have no appetite at all for the things I normally love to eat. So I've taken to eating a lot of junk I shouldn't and wouldn't normally eat. But, it's what's been easiest. I can't get off the couch or out of bed without moaning and groaning in pain. I can't get comfortable for more than a few min at a time without having to rotate. My back hurts so bad sometimes I can't sit or stand. Again, I know a lot of this is all normal growing pains but that shouldn't mean I can't talk about or God forbid, complain bout it.

I know from experience that relying on people for any form of emotional or physical support is a waste of time. So, what I have decided to do is continue to rely on Matthew and my therapist. Sure I pay him, but he has been more supportive of me through the past 23 weeks than most. He isn't going to leave me high and dry to figure it out, and he isn't going to be gone when the baby is born. He allows me to call him whenever I need to, even if that need might come in the middle of the night. I trust him and that's most important. I am also doing another 6 months of group therapy for several reasons, which I won't get into. But I know that I will have that support as well. And maybe that, along with prayer and the Big Man upstairs, is all I will need.

                                       Pregnancy is hard. That is all. Thanks for listening! Our moms-to-be are always there for each other!


Popular posts from this blog

And Then He Was Here


Post Partum