The Bump

I'm not as good keeping my own secrets as I am at keeping other people's. When it's a secret that can only be hidden for a few months that kind of throws some wrenches in the as well. Plus, I'm bursting with joy inside and that is something worth sharing.

On 9.12.17 I fell head over heals in love, again. Matthew and I found out about 7 weeks that we are expecting. I can't say it was planned, I can't say it wasn't planned. It was a welcomed surprise, that we honestly weren't expecting. While we had been trying we were not doing like they show in the movies, ya know, tracking my body temperature and the time of day I was most fertile. I don't know how people have time for that business, but good for them! So anyways, it was on a weekend when we found out and for that reason I peed on several different brands of pregnancy tests to just make extra sure. I did not have any of the typical symptoms (morning sickness) but I will say, my boobs have never hurt so bad in my entire life. And that's still the case! Anyway, I went to the doctor on July 31st and that is when it was official. We're having a baby! I had an ultrasound to determine how far along I was, a day short of 6 weeks. Two weeks later I had another ultrasound and we got to hear the heartbeat. We got pictures of both of those ultrasounds, but unless you know exactly what you were looking at you could not tell it was a baby in there. On Tuesday of this week I had my 12 week ultrasound. And there it was. A baby! A baby with two arms, two legs, a full brain, a developed heart with a steady beat of 162, a nasal bone, and the hiccups!!! A healthy, growing, baby. Inside of me. My health growing baby. Matthews healthy growing baby. Our first offspring. What a miracle!

That was the moment I fell in love. I couldn't believe how much that little human inside of my tummy had grown in just 4 weeks. People talk about this stuff all of the time but I've never been interested because I couldn't relate. Now I know what the buzz is all about! I'm constantly checking my baby apps to see how baby is changing and growing, and it truly is amazing how quickly everything happens. Not only did we get great pictures of the little nugget, but next week we will get the results of the DNA test showing it's gender. For some reason more people feel like it will be a boy, as for me I continue to think pink.

Now that the secret is out, my baby bump is protruding, and people seem to believe I'm going to be a great mom, it's time for me to soak this all in. Of course I have a ton of anxiety about all of this. Am I going to be a good mom? Will this baby love me? Will I do good by it, even when it's hard? Will I bond and attach with it right away? How long will it take Matthew to change a diaper without gagging, so I don't have to do it every time? How will I adjust to not getting enough sleep at night? (You don't have to tell me, I know I will figure it out and get used to it) How do I ignore unsolicited parenting advice? Will I struggle with Post Partum Depression and/or Anxiety? Who will support me if I do? Of course I will continue to see my therapist, but with having no close family members near, and an extremely small to non existent network of friends down here, it makes me worry. That's what I'm good at. I'm great at doubting myself when everyone else is rooting for me. I'm going to work on accepting everyone's encouragement and belief in me to be a great mom. Deep down I know I have the capability to be a great mommy, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to be whatever great means.

Since finding out his amazing news, I have recoiled and become much more isolated. I have this idea in my head that I have to be brave, and be strong. I can't have bad days or feel sad or unworthy, I'm having a baby! THE GREATEST JOY IN THE WORLD!!! Don't admit the bad days, don't cry. It's all impossible. Which is why I really had a hard time finishing my last blog post and actually going public with it. The last thing I need is to revert back to old ways and end up driving myself crazy. I refuse to let that happen, so it's going to take a lot of work on my end to be mindful of things that I maybe don't always have to pay so much attention to. It will all be worth it in the end. And beyond that.

I feel so much love for this 12 week old baby already. I believe my heart is going to explode with more love than I thought imaginable on the day I give birth.

                                 Organic Cotton Muslin Swaddle Blanket - God knew my heart needed you – Modern Burlap


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