Breaking The Silence

I've been quiet lately. I have started several drafts but just haven't had it in me to finish and post any of them. It's not because I don't have anything to say, I always have plenty. I think my lack of writing has been more to do with feeling like I need to live in silence and not share my struggles with the world. Like I overshare, or give people false perceptions of who I am. All reasons that are completely ridiculous. Anxiety seemed to have hijacked my thought process and sent me into a pit of self doubt. Why would I doubt that I should continue to share my walk including successes as well as failures? I've been doing it for awhile now and have had a handful of people reach out to me to thank me (and a few who have given unsolicited advice, which is inventible.)

I have been thinking a lot about this and processing why I suddenly went quiet and I came up with a few hypothesis. About six weeks ago I finished a round of group therapy. Nobody except for my husband knew that I was going. It was facilitated by my individual therapist and he invited me to try the group. I was really hesitant at first (helloooo social anxiety) but after a few weeks of going I started to get slightly more comfortable with it. The longer group went on, the more people were missing. There were weeks when there were only three (out of eight) of us there. Heck, one week I was the only one! The smaller the group, the more I talked. The last eight weeks or so I really came out of my shell and my sassy side was making a pretty regular appearance. In the beginning I was pretty firm on believing I didn't have anything in common with the other participants. My encouraging therapist assured me that was not the truth. Now that so much time has passed and I've had plenty of time to process those six months of intense therapy, I stand by the fact that I did not have anything in common with the rest. While I wasn't the only one in that room dealing with the same "diagnoses" or struggling with some similar childhood issues or current life problems, I can definitely name way more differences. First of all, I was the only one in a committed (married) relationship. That among other traits and beliefs really set me apart. It's not such a terrible thing, but with how my brain functions it was just one more obstacle in my way of trying to "fit in." I will say that by the end of the six months I was asking if it was possible to do another six month group. I attended every single week, only missing once. Even being there consistently I do believe that I need to do another session of it to REALLY see the benefits of the group aspect. So, with that disclosure, sometime in the next few weeks I will be starting round two. It's intense, and even on the weeks I drove home in tears, or feeling angry, I see where I will only benefit in the long run.

Another reason I may have recoiled back into the quiet is because I am extremely fearful of judgment. I know everyone judges others, I am guilty. However, I do not EVER judge other's struggles and battles with any form of mental health. Some people unfortunately do, and I have been the victim of that more than once. What I 've learned is that it takes a lot of confidence to be vulnerable, and it takes one comment, person, whisper, remark, etc to completely wipe confidence off the map. It then takes even longer than the first time to regain that confidence in being vulnerable. I can't point to anything recently that lead to this dip, so I don't think it was that specifically. I'm leaning more towards personal judgment and assuming that others are thinking "good lord when is she going to snap out of it!"

What I really think happened is depression has overtaken anxiety, and right now depression is my biggest battle. Every summer I end up going through a depressive episode. They used to be incredibly scary and dark, leaving me isolating and in bed for days. I have since learned to deal with them much better so it's probably not even obvious to anyone who knows me that it's happening. It's harder to find motivation and inspiration to write when you have lost joy in everything. I also fear letting the truth out, because I feel like I have to be strong and fight through the bad days, which I normally do, but some days I just want to give in and call it a day early. When I have anxiety the words tend to flow endlessly (because my brain doesn't stop!!!) Maybe there is a bigger stigma against depression than there is anxiety so I find myself limiting my posts about it. The irony about this is the past few weeks I have been thinking more and more about how I can become more involved in the mental health community. How can I get my story out there to a bigger audience? How can I put my thoughts and feelings and experiences into written words (because I am scared to death of any form of public speaking!) so anyone is looking for hope, an ear, a shoulder, or reassurance that they are not alone, they have access to it. So far I haven't gotten past the "thinking its time to do more" part of this. Ha! I really struggle with having the ambition to put the desire into motion. I could accomplish so many more things if that wasn't lacking. Eventually I will figure it out, I hope!

Hopefully this is the beginning of me going to back to regular blogging. If not, know I will eventually be back sooner or later.

                               sometimes quotes sometimes it feels better not to talk. At all. About anything to anyone.  


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