Skip to main content

Compassion [Fatigue]

What is Compassion Fatigue? Is it real? Or is it some made up condition? I had a rough week last week where I was so emotionally dis regulated from running a gamut of up and down emotions. The good news is I was able to shake it off and enjoy my weekend full of activities. On Monday it all came to head and I was angry, tired, and realized I had a case of the "fuck its." I was sitting in my car before a meeting, listening to some music, and realized that I just simply do not care anymore. I don't have any shits to give about anyone, myself included. I started recounting the past few weeks of life and that is when Compassion Fatigue came to mind. I was exhausted/fatigued, and I didn't care. Surely I wasn't crazy for thinking this was a thing, was I? So, I did what normal people do and I took to Google. Here is what I found.

"Studies confirm that caregivers play host to a high level of compassion fatigue. Day in, day out, workers struggle to function in care giving environments that constantly present heart wrenching, emotional challenges."

"Compassion Fatigue symptoms are normal displays of chronic stress resulting from the care giving work we choose to do.  While the symptoms are often disruptive, depressive, and irritating, an awareness of the symptoms and their negative effect on your life can lead to positive change, personal transformation, and a new resiliency. Reaching a point where you have control over your own life choices will take time and hard work. There is no magic involved. There is only a commitment to make your life the best it can be." http://www.compassionfatigue.org/pages/symptoms.html
 
And then there is a list of symptoms that are common in people who have compassion fatigue.  A lot of them look like the typical symptoms of stress and anxiety and any other type of mental health issue that one could have going on. I keep going back and forth in my mind wondering if this is truly something that has hit me, or if it's something else and I'm just looking to label what I am feeling. What I came up with, in my mind, is that yes, I am absolutely dealing with some level of compassion fatigue. True to anyone else or not, I don't care.
 
I am pouring from an empty cup. I am giving and giving and giving and extending myself beyond healthy boundaries in all aspects of my life. When you work in the field of social services and mental health you are bound to have some burn out and some stress. Self care will take a back seat and you'll just keep going and giving. Until you literally run out of anything to give. This is just part of the line of work on all levels of social services. I'm not complaining and I'm not saying I'm the only one who has these feelings or has been in these situations. I'm saying that I don't have anyone refilling me. Maybe that is my fault, but I don't need to start blaming myself for more shit than I already do. This isn't my fault. If I can be mindful in identifying what is happening then hopefully I can accept it and work on getting myself out of this state of compassion fatigue. It's really a scary feeling to go from feeling good about the work you do, and getting acknowledged for it (sometimes) to waking up one day and realizing that you just do not care. Not about your job, the people you are working with, yourself, your co workers, or anyone in your life. It's not a pleasant feeling and saying it out loud almost knocked the wind out of me. I went directly to thoughts along the lines of "I am crazy", "I'm a monster", "I'm a terrible person", "I'm not good enough, I need to do better", "what is wrong with me?". "What do I need to fix?"
 
It's exhausting to have so many negative feelings about every single thing you do. It's like this huge dark cloud and a bunch of tentacle like things grabbing out dragging me down into this deep dark hole that I can't see the way out of. It has sucked all of the life out of me and left me with all of these terrible self thoughts and when I try to combat them with positive things and strengths I get nowhere. So I am stuck, treading water, dealing with this compassion fatigue and giving it my best shot at navigating the dark, stormy sea that has me feeling helpless.


                                  Image result for compassion fatigue
 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lost.

Life lately has been hard. I had a rough week and it seems to have carried through the weekend as well. I hate to even admit that because I'm trying to make some changes in my brain. I'm trying to hammer out what a bad day really is. I'm trying to learn what makes a bad day in Meghan's world. I've been down on myself lately and I don't even understand why. Nothing has changed. My anxiety is constant and I feel like I don't even remember what it's like to not be hyper vigilant. I am in this state of constant worry with "what ifs" running rampant in my brain. It's been having difficulty concentrating on my job, being present in conversations, and even caring about myself in general. I've been irritable and tired.  I just haven't been myself and because I don't know what the real issue is I don't know what to do to bring myself back. I'm stuck. I'm full of doubt and worry and none of it is worth the time I spend thinkin...
2 comments
Read more

Word Vomit

This world and the people in it have gotten so.....delusional. Somewhere along the line people forgot that kindness is free. I'm not talking about helping someone who can't reach the top shelf at the grocery store (although this is something I often do!), or holding the door (common decency) but the kindness that comes along with listening to people who have different opinions than your own. Treating them with respect even if you don't agree with what they're saying. Not making assumptions based on what someone does or does not do. And quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Perhaps I'm in the minority with my thoughts and opinions and morals and beliefs, but even so I shouldn't feel so afraid or sharing them. I try to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself to avoid being attacked by the keyboard warriors, but I realize that this is part of the problem. As tired as I am of the news and the debates and arguments and name calling and judging over COVID 19, BLM, ...
Post a Comment
Read more

"The" and not "My"

I started this post a few weeks ago, and just couldn't figure out where to go with it. In the time between when I started it and now I have been extremely mindful of this and my wording around how I am feeling. And I can tell you that I feel exactly how I was hoping I would. It's almost a feeling of freedom. It's really amazing what a shift in thought patterns can do. It's not to say that I am not experiencing the crippling anxiety and all that goes along with that; but I feel much more confident in my ability to fight. Something that I say all of the time when referring to how anxious I am or what I'm feeling is "my anxiety is super high." I never realized I was even saying that but I've definitely been more mindful of it as of late. I noticed that when I own the anxiety as if it is part of me, it makes me feel less empowered. Less empowered to fight through it, accept the feelings that come with anxiety, and much less motivation to be so resilie...
Post a Comment
Read more