I am starting to come out of a very dark place, one I have been in for the past 6 weeks or so. It's a good feeling, but I know it's not the end.
For the last month or more it has been one thing after another. I have been going through the stages of grief without having lost anything physical (never realized that was possible) I started out being in denial that all of these terrible things could happen. It started when we lost an opportunity we had really been planning on, as it was something we were told to expect. After that blow came another lost opportunity. That's when the anger kicked in. I was SO angry. I was angry at the world, and everyone who's path I crossed. I was angry at God. I was angry at him for giving us this amazing baby boy growing inside of me, and then taking away two extremely deserved opportunities. I was really angry at all of the people involved in these missed opportunities, and I was even more angry at the reasons behind them. Both of those lost opportunities were not anything either Matthew nor I could've prevented. They simply happened because of one fact: people are shitty. That anger continued for what felt like forever, but was probably about two weeks. The anger started to fade away and in came the bargaining. I was bargaining with God, and with myself. I was telling Him that if he had to take those things away from us, to put something else in our path to replace it. To make up for the two blows we had just been dealt. I was begging him to just give me something, after all, I thought we deserved it. Things slowly started going to hell after that; from a broken phone screen to a broken down vehicle that wasn't worth fixing.
I was in this dark place digging myself into a deeper hole (Depression. Stage 4) because I was convinced that I deserved all of these shitty things that were happening to me. I didn't think I was good enough. I told myself I could never trust anyone again. I made excuses, well...anxiety and my brain made them, for why I didn't need any friends in my life. I got angry with my therapist for "ignoring" me when I was reaching out for help every single day. I told him I wasn't going to see him ever again. I told him I felt like I didn't matter to him, that (like usual) everyone else's situations and problems were worse than mine. I cried. I cried a lot. It was like a dam broke and the tears would just instantly be rolling down my cheeks. In my office. In my car. In the middle of the night. At night when Matthew and I would talk until we fell asleep. When I was laying in bed watching Mike and Molly to distract myself. I worked myself into this place where I told myself that I did not have any value to anyone, and everyone was making that very obvious. I was resentful, bitter, confused, and really just indifferent about anything that was happening. There was guilt for feeling this way when I am growing a baby boy inside of me, one baby boy who I am in already completely in love with. I was really drowning in so many different emotions, but at the same time I felt numb.
These downward spirals have been very few and far between the last couple of years, so when something happens to trigger one I get throw completely off balance and don't exactly know how to cope in a healthy way. Eventually I just shut down and isolate, which I know is NOT the answer. Unfortunately it's what's easy especially when you don't have anyone (less than 1,000 miles away) checking in on you, forcing you to deal with the underlying issue, or offering to listen, and not just listen but hear. Someone to validate your emotions and help build you up. I can isolate and hide away and it can go unnoticed by just about everyone I know.
I told Matthew, when we were on our way to the car lot, that even though I hate the phrase "it could always be worse" I think that definitely applies to us right now. Stage 5: acceptance. It could be worse. We live a debt free life for these exact reasons. Did we want to spend a huge chunk of our savings on a car? HELL NO! Did we want to finance a car and go back into debt for a few months? HELL NO! But, when you have to make a very quick decision and you're on the same page the answer is easy. We finance what we know we have the cash for, and pay that shit off as quickly as possible. And then cancel all of the pre ordered vinyl on Amazon :) Things could be worse in so many other ways. I think just takes climbing out of that hole to see the sun.
For the last month or more it has been one thing after another. I have been going through the stages of grief without having lost anything physical (never realized that was possible) I started out being in denial that all of these terrible things could happen. It started when we lost an opportunity we had really been planning on, as it was something we were told to expect. After that blow came another lost opportunity. That's when the anger kicked in. I was SO angry. I was angry at the world, and everyone who's path I crossed. I was angry at God. I was angry at him for giving us this amazing baby boy growing inside of me, and then taking away two extremely deserved opportunities. I was really angry at all of the people involved in these missed opportunities, and I was even more angry at the reasons behind them. Both of those lost opportunities were not anything either Matthew nor I could've prevented. They simply happened because of one fact: people are shitty. That anger continued for what felt like forever, but was probably about two weeks. The anger started to fade away and in came the bargaining. I was bargaining with God, and with myself. I was telling Him that if he had to take those things away from us, to put something else in our path to replace it. To make up for the two blows we had just been dealt. I was begging him to just give me something, after all, I thought we deserved it. Things slowly started going to hell after that; from a broken phone screen to a broken down vehicle that wasn't worth fixing.
I was in this dark place digging myself into a deeper hole (Depression. Stage 4) because I was convinced that I deserved all of these shitty things that were happening to me. I didn't think I was good enough. I told myself I could never trust anyone again. I made excuses, well...anxiety and my brain made them, for why I didn't need any friends in my life. I got angry with my therapist for "ignoring" me when I was reaching out for help every single day. I told him I wasn't going to see him ever again. I told him I felt like I didn't matter to him, that (like usual) everyone else's situations and problems were worse than mine. I cried. I cried a lot. It was like a dam broke and the tears would just instantly be rolling down my cheeks. In my office. In my car. In the middle of the night. At night when Matthew and I would talk until we fell asleep. When I was laying in bed watching Mike and Molly to distract myself. I worked myself into this place where I told myself that I did not have any value to anyone, and everyone was making that very obvious. I was resentful, bitter, confused, and really just indifferent about anything that was happening. There was guilt for feeling this way when I am growing a baby boy inside of me, one baby boy who I am in already completely in love with. I was really drowning in so many different emotions, but at the same time I felt numb.
These downward spirals have been very few and far between the last couple of years, so when something happens to trigger one I get throw completely off balance and don't exactly know how to cope in a healthy way. Eventually I just shut down and isolate, which I know is NOT the answer. Unfortunately it's what's easy especially when you don't have anyone (less than 1,000 miles away) checking in on you, forcing you to deal with the underlying issue, or offering to listen, and not just listen but hear. Someone to validate your emotions and help build you up. I can isolate and hide away and it can go unnoticed by just about everyone I know.
I told Matthew, when we were on our way to the car lot, that even though I hate the phrase "it could always be worse" I think that definitely applies to us right now. Stage 5: acceptance. It could be worse. We live a debt free life for these exact reasons. Did we want to spend a huge chunk of our savings on a car? HELL NO! Did we want to finance a car and go back into debt for a few months? HELL NO! But, when you have to make a very quick decision and you're on the same page the answer is easy. We finance what we know we have the cash for, and pay that shit off as quickly as possible. And then cancel all of the pre ordered vinyl on Amazon :) Things could be worse in so many other ways. I think just takes climbing out of that hole to see the sun.
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