Prove It

Through learning to be mindful and all of that jazz I have recognized one more thing about myself that I have never been cognizant of . I've probably been doing it for quite a long time, maybe even years, without having any idea. This thing, this (bad) habit of mine that I am speaking of is believing I have to prove myself to everyone. Prove that I know what I am talking about, prove that I am a good person, prove that I know I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing, prove my feelings. Pretty much defend and back up my every thought and action. I wish that I could just do things, say things, learn things, and know things without having to put it all out there so that people might believe in me. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is constantly trying to convince people (especially idiots) that what you're feelings is real, no matter if they understand it or not? Let me tell you, it's depleting. I can't just feel or be or do without the follow up explanation. I don't think I have ever said "I am a good person" without immediately listing off reasons why I think so, or examples of things I have done. I love to do things for people, to care about people, give positive affirmations to friends, family, and strangers alike, and most of all be the friend I know I am capable of being.  Why do I need to spend extra time and energy citing my sources? It's so ridiculous to think that I have to record things or take pictures to keep in my back pocket if someone may doubt me. I don't want to brag to people about how I supported a friend through a difficult time, or I'm the go to for a friend who struggles with something, that I can and do keep secrets when someone tells me something in confidence, or I take the time to make someone else's day better. Perhaps the most exhausting piece of this happens when feelings and emotions are involved. I am a sensitive person, I always have been. I'm probably more sensitive than I will admit, but that is something about me I need to accept and work on. Because I am so sensitive I tend to take on other people's shit. I blame myself for things that are so outlandish. I don't victimize myself like so many others do. If I'm telling someone how I am feeling I don't think I should have to validate myself by giving any more detail than I want to, or share any more information than I feel is necessary. I have days when I run the entire gamut of emotions from elated to angry, to anxious and panicky, back to joy, and end the day crying myself to sleep. It's who I am. It's how my sensitive little heart and soul function. I feel EVERYTHING. I want to feel nervous about something that makes zero sense to anyone else without scrambling to find a way to make someone understand. I want to feel angry about something that nobody else may think is a big deal without getting into a debate about why I shouldn't be angry. I want to be sad and not have people list off everything in my life that is good. I could die a happy girl if I never had to hear "You don't need to be depressed!" ever again. I live for having down time and alone without having to justify it. I hate everything about believing I nee to do all of these things. It's killing my self esteem and it took me until, today (literally), to have this epiphany. One more thing to add to my self improvement list!