My life: The Revolving Door

I don't know if you're familiar with what it feels like to have an emotional hangover, but that's the state I am in right now. Yesterday I ran the gamete of emotions. I woke up early and happy. I read my daily devotional out loud to Matthew (and Wrigley), wore a fucking dress, got to work early, made coffee, and got busy. It all started falling apart shortly after. By noon I was in full blown panic. The worst it has been in a month or more. I took my shoes off. I walked laps in my office, took a break from technology, did my deep breathing exercises, and tried my best form of distraction. Nothing worked. I called Matthew. I went home to see my dog. I changed my clothes and went to a coffee shop where I feel safe. Still nothing. I emailed my therapist. I took a Klonopin and I worked on rebounding. I got myself together and functioned well for the next few hours. Eventually it came back with a vengeance and I ended my day in tears. I wrapped myself up in all of the blankets  on the couch and fought restless legs for three hours. Three fucking hours. I eventually joined my husband in bed where I piled pillows on time of myself and proceeded to have nightmares. This morning I fought myself to get out of bed. All I wanted to do was hide away from the world. In the past that's exactly what I would've done. Matthew did what he does best and used his humor to get my ass up and going. Today I am dragging. All the coffee in the world can't bring me back up. I spent my morning back at the same coffee shop I went to yesterday. I was able to be semi productive work wise. I left and was able to have a conversation with my therapist and forced myself NOT to break down while on the phone. It helped a little bit. It also made me feel a little shitty. I took myself out to lunch hoping that would cheer me up. I did a little bit of work and started on the work he (my therapist) asked me to do. That's when it all came back and my emotional hangover reverted back to being drunk on emotions. A friend I trusted and thought I had as a support person did what I always fear the most. He told me to never talk to him again. The tears were immediate. I was in the middle of a restaurant with people surrounding me and I just broke down. I was immediately sad, angry, confused, and defeated. It happened again. I let myself believe that someone really cared about me and my struggles, and I trusted that they were genuine. And just like that they were gone. This pattern just. keeps. continuing. I packed up my shit, drank down my tear, and hightailed it to my car where I proceeded to cry and curse and bang the steer wheeling while yelling 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!" I have once again been abandoned. My life is a revolving door of people who either think they want to be my friend, never truly want to be my friend, don't know how to be my friend, or just simply give up on me. That takes the self esteem a few more notches down below non existent. People need emotional support. People need to be validated in their feelings. Maybe I need this on a higher level intensity than most, but maybe if I can ever get at least a little bit of what I need it will help me be more confident in myself.

One day I'd like to know what i's like to feel empowered instead of scared. I'd like to be able trust that when someone says "call me anytime!" they will answer the phone. I'd like to cry tears of joy and happiness, instead of tears of sadness. I can't kick this emotional hangover, and it's a terrible feeling.

                                     Its okay to be vulnerable and it's okay to put yourself out there. People will hurt you, that's a fact, but we can not allow that fear to paralyze us. Walk through the fear regardless how you feel. Amazing things are waiting!!:


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