Mental [Exhaustion]

I have been so mentally exhausted lately. I feel like I'm always some sort of exhausted. Whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. It's no surprise for someone with anxiety disorder to constantly be exhausted. It's no surprised for anyone to be constantly exhausted, really. While part of it is me trying to adjust to Daylight Saving Time, the other part is my brain simply working on overdrive. My brain has been going around and around and around about so many things that I literally can't keep up.

I'd like to say that the biggest challenge is adjusting to the time change, but I think it all started before that. I have started to pay more attention to the way people treat me. In the process I have weeded out some of my so called "friends" who have been less than friendly to me. During all of this I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with ME. What makes me so terrible that people can say such mean things? What makes me so unfriendly that people think I'M the mean one? What do I do that is so wrong people can't see the good heart that beats inside of my chest? Am I that lame and boring that people don't want to invite me out for activities? The question that keeps spinning circles in my head is "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?" Well, I found the answer. It wasn't clear right away and it's still not crystal clear. NOTHING! There is NOTHING wrong with me! It's character flaws of other people that are dragging me down. I never did anything to be treated so shitty. I didn't ask to be fed lies about how unhappy I appear. I didn't DO anything to deserve others to see me in a negative light. What I did was started standing up for myself.

While I've never been one to stand up for myself I've never been  push over, either. I have always known when to say no, and when to say yes. Speaking up when I feel like something isn't right is something I recently started doing. I'ts not going well. Mostly because the people who I've started standing up to are very good at pushing people down. All of the energy I have put into standing up for myself has me SO exhausted it's unreal. Having to get back up each time you get knocked down is a lot of work mentally. I have finally decided to just keep my head down.  That doesn't mean I am defeated. It means I have learned when it's worth the energy to speak up. It's no way to live life, but it's definitely a huge driving force behind me making some changes.

Mentally exhausted or not I refuse to let people treat me any less than I treat them or any less than I deserve to be treated. I always make a conscience effort to be the best version of me and be a nice human, that will not change no matter how poorly I am treated. I can guarantee you that when it comes to putting myself before other (friends, family), I will be putting myself first, and that is okay.



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