Skip to main content

Mental [Exhaustion]

I have been so mentally exhausted lately. I feel like I'm always some sort of exhausted. Whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. It's no surprise for someone with anxiety disorder to constantly be exhausted. It's no surprised for anyone to be constantly exhausted, really. While part of it is me trying to adjust to Daylight Saving Time, the other part is my brain simply working on overdrive. My brain has been going around and around and around about so many things that I literally can't keep up.

I'd like to say that the biggest challenge is adjusting to the time change, but I think it all started before that. I have started to pay more attention to the way people treat me. In the process I have weeded out some of my so called "friends" who have been less than friendly to me. During all of this I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with ME. What makes me so terrible that people can say such mean things? What makes me so unfriendly that people think I'M the mean one? What do I do that is so wrong people can't see the good heart that beats inside of my chest? Am I that lame and boring that people don't want to invite me out for activities? The question that keeps spinning circles in my head is "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?" Well, I found the answer. It wasn't clear right away and it's still not crystal clear. NOTHING! There is NOTHING wrong with me! It's character flaws of other people that are dragging me down. I never did anything to be treated so shitty. I didn't ask to be fed lies about how unhappy I appear. I didn't DO anything to deserve others to see me in a negative light. What I did was started standing up for myself.

While I've never been one to stand up for myself I've never been  push over, either. I have always known when to say no, and when to say yes. Speaking up when I feel like something isn't right is something I recently started doing. I'ts not going well. Mostly because the people who I've started standing up to are very good at pushing people down. All of the energy I have put into standing up for myself has me SO exhausted it's unreal. Having to get back up each time you get knocked down is a lot of work mentally. I have finally decided to just keep my head down.  That doesn't mean I am defeated. It means I have learned when it's worth the energy to speak up. It's no way to live life, but it's definitely a huge driving force behind me making some changes.

Mentally exhausted or not I refuse to let people treat me any less than I treat them or any less than I deserve to be treated. I always make a conscience effort to be the best version of me and be a nice human, that will not change no matter how poorly I am treated. I can guarantee you that when it comes to putting myself before other (friends, family), I will be putting myself first, and that is okay.

                                                      .:

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Lost.

Life lately has been hard. I had a rough week and it seems to have carried through the weekend as well. I hate to even admit that because I'm trying to make some changes in my brain. I'm trying to hammer out what a bad day really is. I'm trying to learn what makes a bad day in Meghan's world. I've been down on myself lately and I don't even understand why. Nothing has changed. My anxiety is constant and I feel like I don't even remember what it's like to not be hyper vigilant. I am in this state of constant worry with "what ifs" running rampant in my brain. It's been having difficulty concentrating on my job, being present in conversations, and even caring about myself in general. I've been irritable and tired.  I just haven't been myself and because I don't know what the real issue is I don't know what to do to bring myself back. I'm stuck. I'm full of doubt and worry and none of it is worth the time I spend thinkin...

Word Vomit

This world and the people in it have gotten so.....delusional. Somewhere along the line people forgot that kindness is free. I'm not talking about helping someone who can't reach the top shelf at the grocery store (although this is something I often do!), or holding the door (common decency) but the kindness that comes along with listening to people who have different opinions than your own. Treating them with respect even if you don't agree with what they're saying. Not making assumptions based on what someone does or does not do. And quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Perhaps I'm in the minority with my thoughts and opinions and morals and beliefs, but even so I shouldn't feel so afraid or sharing them. I try to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself to avoid being attacked by the keyboard warriors, but I realize that this is part of the problem. As tired as I am of the news and the debates and arguments and name calling and judging over COVID 19, BLM, ...

"The" and not "My"

I started this post a few weeks ago, and just couldn't figure out where to go with it. In the time between when I started it and now I have been extremely mindful of this and my wording around how I am feeling. And I can tell you that I feel exactly how I was hoping I would. It's almost a feeling of freedom. It's really amazing what a shift in thought patterns can do. It's not to say that I am not experiencing the crippling anxiety and all that goes along with that; but I feel much more confident in my ability to fight. Something that I say all of the time when referring to how anxious I am or what I'm feeling is "my anxiety is super high." I never realized I was even saying that but I've definitely been more mindful of it as of late. I noticed that when I own the anxiety as if it is part of me, it makes me feel less empowered. Less empowered to fight through it, accept the feelings that come with anxiety, and much less motivation to be so resilie...