Unfinished

I've written blogs before about how I am struggling with enjoying life. While I feel like I am happy, at the same time I fel like I am only merely surviving. I may not break down and cry but when I do something that should make me super excited I feel like that emotion is so deep inside of me that it takes a miracle to bring it out. I am stuck in one of those "funks". Again.

Summer seems to have more of these long stretches of me just not feeling like myself than winter does. That is backwards for most people. While I do still get hit pretty hard with SAD in the middle of winter, it also strikes me every July as well. This makes no sense to me. Maybe it's the drastic change in mild temperatures to extremely warm tempuratres, I'm not sure. It is, however, one more reason why I believe I need to live where the seasons don't change (often!). What is most bothersome about how I have been feeling for the past few weeks is the reason why. I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!!! Ugh. I cannot pin point ANYTHING.

I have been down and out without really being "down and out". I have been going through the motions day to day and fighting my urges. My urges to cry, to yell and scream, to crawl back into bed instead of walking out the door for work, to actually STAY at work isntead of going home to mope and feel sorry for myself. I guess instead of breaking down and quitting life I have been eating my feelings. Which isn't good either. But, better than staying in bed and crying, right? I never used to use food as a comfort. I could go days with feeling the worst ever and not eat any more than usual. Somedays my appetite was less, but never MORE. So, that being said my self esteem has been in the shitter. Have I gained weight? According the scale I doubt it. (i don't weight myself) Do my clothes still fit? Absolutely. I just feel gross. And when I feel gross it makes me I think I look gross. And then I want to hide away fromt he world. And not wear pants so I don't feel how bloated I am. And skip meals. Do you see the vicious cycle that tends to occur?

My mind is a mess of unfinished thoughts and ideas. I have dreams and goals for myself and my husband. But when I think about actually achieving those goals it exhausts me to the point of wanting to quit.

But I won't quit. Not this time. Not ever.

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