This is Real

I have been exhausted the past two or three weeks and when I was trying to figure out why I came up with nothing. I don't stay up late, I haven't been doing any strenuous exercising (even though I should be), work hasn't been [overly] stressful, and my evenings haven't been any busier than usual.

And then it hit me. I have let depression slowly creep back in and my anxiety has been higher than normal for about three weeks now. That is why I have been exhausted. People who have never experienced mental illness or have an understanding of it would think that it isn't possible to be exhausted from living. They probably call it lazy. They don't know.

I haven't been depressed in the way that anybody probably has noticed. I haven't been crying, or losing weight, or overeating. I have had less energy, a racing mind, a terrible self esteem, and been crabbier than usual. I haven't been myself and even if nobody else has seen that, I have. I can't paint a very good picture of exactly how I have been feeling but I am going to try.

When I am at work and not pre occupied or busy my mind is going 100 miles a minuet. I have conversations with myself in my head and basically drive myself crazy. I think about how good my life is and how I have no reason to be sad. I think about my marriage and how perfect it is (to us) and how that should make me so happy (and it DOES!) I think about how people would judge me if they knew what was happening in my brain and give me a line like "you have no reason to be depressed". I think about how wonderful of a human being I am yet tell myself I am a terrible person. I tell myself that the world is out to get me, even though the world doesn't even know ME. I tell myself I'm fat, when I'm not. I tell myself I'm no good at doing my hair or make up when in all reality, who do I have to impress? I tell myself a lot of false things one day, and the next day those thoughts don't even cross my mind.

I am sad for no reason. I struggle to crawl out of bed in the morning and if I hit the couch after work it takes all of the energy I can muster to get up and make supper, do dishes, clean up, etc. There are nights I can barely keep myself awake past dark. All I want to do is sleep and not exist. It's not healthy and I know it. Maybe I am not doing much to help my mood improve, but nobody else is helping either. I can't blame it on other people because they don't know, but at the same time why should they have to know I am not okay to make my day a little brighter? They don't. As I learned during lent it only takes 5-10 minuets outo f your day to make someone else's day a little better.

I keep these feelings inside because I have learned through the years that telling anybody does two things. It makes them judge you and it makes them avoid you. So for now, I will continue pretending I am okay until I am okay.


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