Broken Crayons Still Color

This world and the people in it have gotten so.....delusional. Somewhere along the line people forgot that kindness is free. I'm not talking about helping someone who can't reach the top shelf at the grocery store (although this is something I often do!), or holding the door (common decency) but the kindness that comes along with listening to people who have different opinions than your own. Treating them with respect even if you don't agree with what they're saying. Not making assumptions based on what someone does or does not do. And quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Perhaps I'm in the minority with my thoughts and opinions and morals and beliefs, but even so I shouldn't feel so afraid or sharing them. I try to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself to avoid being attacked by the keyboard warriors, but I realize that this is part of the problem. As tired as I am of the news and the debates and arguments and name calling and judging over COVID 19, BLM, ...

Grieving is not something I have ever been good at. It's not that I haven't suffered any loss in my life, because there has certainly been plenty (even one loss is plenty, honestly) it's something else that I can't quite put my finger on. I am fortunate in that I haven't lost a person in my life, in the sense that they are no longer physically alive, in quite a few years. The last people I did lose were older relatives, which I think is different than someone you were close to on a work and personal level. So, here I am trying to figure out how to grieve the very sudden and even more tragic loss of the closest co worker I've probably ever had in Austin. And I don't know how to grieve her loss. She was in a tragic accident on Sunday, and her name was released yesterday afternoon. It was her and her daughter in her vehicle and neither of them survived. Christa was such a bright and happy person. Sure she was 20 years older than me but our connection was perf...

You know how they say the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes? I never fully understood that until I became a mom. Sure I have had plenty of experience with change before becoming a mom, but it has never so blatantly obvious every single time. Since Theo came along every little change seems to affect me way more than I can even explain. Of course it's part of the process when you have a newborn; he changes constantly and grows but it's the other stuff that seems to get to me. The milestones, the development of personality and skills and overall growth. I look at his pictures from last year at this time when we were new to the daycare process and trusting our boy with strangers we sometimes merely exchanged pleasantries with  New to juggling being full time working parents and coordinating drop off and pick up. And then we bought a house and moved to the complete opposite side of daycare which meant even more coordination and juggling. And then his teache...

Look, I know everyone has a different experience with anxiety and the like. Even my experience has changed over time. Hell half the time the way I experience anxiety changes from one day to the next. The one thing that is always consistent no matter what is this; my brain on anxiety is a liar. When I have bouts of anxiety that i struggle through because I don’t know why or where it’s coming from, my brain goes in 10 different directions telling me 10 different things that I probably fucked up and that’s what is causing me to feel like I’m dying. And yes, sometimes it truly does feel that way. More often than not only one of those things my brain is yelling at me abut is (partially) true. When anxiety strikes after a situation (meaning I likely know what’s going on up there) it’s just as scary if not scarier than when it just shows up. When it’s situational it’s easier to catastrophize (I don’t know how to spell that word and spell check doesn’t either.) the whole thing. I have deta...

I feel like the only way I know HOW to function anymore is in complete and utter chaos! Life has been doing a good job of keeping me on my toes. A couple of days before Theo turned one, our washing machine malfunctioned and caused thousands of dollars worth of mitigation and repairs. We have been living in a door less home (except the bathroom and our bedroom) with missing carpet padding, missing trim, and ripped up door frames or six or seven weeks now. that same weekend Theo had a stomach bug  along with my MIL and her husband. You can about imagine how much laundry that all created.  Over a week after the incident the appliance guy finally came to check out the washing machine. He told us that there was several things needing fixed and that it just wasn't worth the repair. He was going to recommend to the warranty company that they replace it. Weeks later we heard form them; they had ordered the parts and would send someone to fix it. UGH! Again, Matthew to the rescue! ...

I can't believe I  have a one year old. Not a newborn. Not an infant. A freakin' one year old. Everyone I know and every stranger I've met in the last 12 months said to me at one time or another "oh enjoy it while you can, it goes by so fast!" It's true, life really does go by fast. Add something that consumes every ounce of your energy for so long, and it goes by even faster. I am in awe every single day. I'm in awe of my perfect little boy who is so innocent, happy, silly, and loving. Watching him develop from a tiny six pound baby to an outgoing busy boy who never stops moving, playing, or jabbering makes my heart so happy. I am obsessed with the kid if I'm being honest. When I'm at work during the day he is in every other thought that crosses my mind. If someone asks me how he is my face just lights up with joy when I respond. It's also still very surreal to me that I'm a mom. I always pictures myself being a mom but I had no idea w...

**I stopped writing this post and just didn't have the energy to pick it back up. Well, here I am to see what I can make of this blog about Grace that I started so many weeks ago. Happy New Year!!! I can't believe we're already 1/3 of the way through January. I don't remember when time started going so fast, but I know it wasn't this way when I was young. I never thought I would get past the awkward and terrible middle school years, or the never ending high school years. But, here we are; cruising through 2019 already! I don't make New Years resolutions. At least, not since I was in middle school and used to write the word RESOLUTION out and make up some stupid thing with each letter. I did that because everyone else did. I attempted or had the idea of making resolutions other years between then and now, but they were never well thought out and they included the same shit like "lose weight", "join a gym", "find a hobby." The st...

I typed this on Wednesday when I was enraged. It came out of an emotional reaction. I decided to sit with it for a few days before sharing. I mean and believe everything I said. I hate that abortion is even an option. I can't keep quiet anymore. I've been in a rut lately, feeling numb. Yesterday I started feeling feelings again. But the reason is sickening. This morning when I was leaving for work I saw an article about the New York govenor signing a bill allowing women to murder their children up until  full-term pregnancy. When I read this I became immediately furious. I felt something in me that I have never felt before. I've always been pro-life I just haven't always been vocal about it because I don't need feminists to shame me. After going through the beautiful experience of pregnancy and all that it entails I am even more pissed off and disgusred by this. I heard Theo's heartbeat beat at 8 weeks and I cannot imagine aborting him because I decided he...

I am thankful. I am grateful. And I AM blessed. I am all of these things all of the time, no matter how tired or anxious or defeated I may be feeling. It isn't always easy to acknowledge these things, but they have never left. The past month or so I have been emotionally beating myself up over things that just don't seem to be clicking with Theo, in particular his eating and sleeping habits. Theo is a little squired, he was 6.14 at birth and went down to 6.2 within the first couple of weeks. It feels like he has been playing catch up ever since. He is nearing the nine month mark in age and isn't even on the growth chart curve for his age.( I take that back, the kid's head circumference seems to be okay!) He weighs in around 15 pounds, soaking wet diaper and fully clothed. He still comfortably wears 0-3 month pants and onesies. I probably wouldn't pay any attention to any of this if I didn't have someone comment "he's a fresh one" every.where.we.g...

I sound like a broken record. To myself and most likely to everyone else I communicate with. It's as if I am stuck in this season of life with an infant. I constantly beat myself up mentally for not being strong enough to be a good mom. I tell myself that I wanted to be a mom so I need to suck it up and move on with the hard days, the sleepless nights, the endless dishes and laundry and stop complaining about it. But the thing is, I don't HATE those things. I absolutely love being a mom and I would not change being Theo's mommy for the entire world. But ya'll, I am exhausted. I crave some sort of consistency and routine in my day to day responsibilities, and throwing in an unpredictable 7.5 month old (who is now mobile!) has been a tricky adjustment. I never know much and how well Theo is going to sleep at night. I never know where he's going to sleep at night. I don't know how clingy he's going to be and how much of my time I have to spend holding and rock...

I started this post a few weeks ago, and just couldn't figure out where to go with it. In the time between when I started it and now I have been extremely mindful of this and my wording around how I am feeling. And I can tell you that I feel exactly how I was hoping I would. It's almost a feeling of freedom. It's really amazing what a shift in thought patterns can do. It's not to say that I am not experiencing the crippling anxiety and all that goes along with that; but I feel much more confident in my ability to fight. Something that I say all of the time when referring to how anxious I am or what I'm feeling is "my anxiety is super high." I never realized I was even saying that but I've definitely been more mindful of it as of late. I noticed that when I own the anxiety as if it is part of me, it makes me feel less empowered. Less empowered to fight through it, accept the feelings that come with anxiety, and much less motivation to be so resilie...

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that I am "so calm" I think I could retire early. The truth is. I am anything BUT calm. What people perceive as calmness (in me) is really just me internalizing nearly crippling anxiety OR simply shutting out feelings. See, I feel like a broken record. Like nobody wants to listen to me because I complain about the same things over and over. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm exhausted. Blah blah blah. Part of that is me subconsciously seeking out validation for how I feel. I have this terrible habit of telling myself that the way I feel is wrong and I should be stronger and braver and MORE. More ambitious, more productive, more organized, accomplished, optimistic smarter, happier. Nobody tells me any of those things. I know its my brain lying to me, and I should tell it to shut up, but it's not always that easy. I'm worn out. And I'm doing it to myself. I second guess myself all of the time. I have gone do...

I'm tired, exhausted really, to my very core. Every emotion that I feel is real and it's raw and it's hard to process. By the time I am able to process what may have triggered or caused me to feel that way, I am on to the next emotion. I’m tired of trying to do it all, knowing I can’t do it all, but being unable to stop trying to do it all. This has been a struggle for me since the day Theo entered this world. The media (social and otherwise) is so good at plastering all of these "amazing mom" articles and pictures everywhere, making it LOOK easy. It's not easy, and those people they are talking about are rich and have paid people helping them .   I’m tired of not knowing what I need when someone says  “How can I help?” OR maybe more accurately, being too stubborn to allow them to help.   I’m tired of knowing I am on a never-ending quest for perfectionism and appreciation and self-worth and value. And guess whose idea of perfection I am str...

I've been having a really hard time figuring out how to balance everything I am responsible for since going back to work in June. I knew it was going to be an adjustment but what I didn't expect was the complete lack of desire to put any amount of energy into anything other than being a mom. This does not mean I wish I could be a full time stay at home mom, by any means. I think it's more of missing the time with Theo and wanting to make up for that at the end of the day when I get home, thus putting off every other responsibility I have. I don't know that this is necessarily a bad thing, but I know it could lead to some unhealthy habits; especially with my stellar ability to neglect self care and being real good at isolating. For some stupid reason I feel like I need to defend myself and that I am choosing to make Theo my number one priority because I believe that is my duty as his mom. I can't seem to make sense of what is in my head when I try to explain it, so...

Fed is best. At least, that's what you hear people say even if they don't really mean it and are just trying to be nice. The pressure on women to breastfeed is so overwhelming. It doesn't matter what frame of mind you go into the journey thinking, you will still feel all of the pressure and judgment you told yourself you wouldn't let bother you. I guess I don't know why it's anyone's business to know how you plan to feed your child, but it's one of the most asked questions when you are pregnant. I'm currently in a secluded office at work, pumping so I can do what needs to be done for my boy. Every time I plug in my pump and get myself hooked up my anxiety sky rockets. I could be having the calmest moment in the history of my calm moments, and the minute this machine starts doing it's work I am panicky, sweaty, racing heart, etc. I started pumping and freezing my supply back in April so when Theo started daycare he could have breast milk during ...

After struggling several weeks with postpartum baby blues and fighting really hard to not let them get out of control, I read a lot of articles and blogs about how it gets easier. When I reached out to the few people I know who have small children, or have recently had a baby, they told me the same thing. Our pediatrician, and my OBGYN doctor said it too. It. Gets. Easier. And ya know what?! They were ALL right!!! I am not out of the woods by any means, but when comparing the second five weeks with the first six or seven they have definitely gotten easier. I didn't know how hard it was going to be but it was a relief to know that it's normal and it's common to have all of the thoughts and feelings that I had upon bringing home our first baby. I would imagine those thoughts and feelings still show up after every newborn, but knowing what it's like has got to make the transition a bit more manageable. My first response (to myself) when I kept hearing that it gets easier...

I am exhausted. I have used that word loosely in the past, and have no doubt been exhausted before but I have never known it like this before. This is sleep deprivation, emotional drain, physical tiredness, constantly doing or thinking, skipped meals, and scheduling my every need around my sweet boys needs. I absolutely know that this is what I signed up for by becoming a mom, and that I am not the only mom who has or does feel this way, but I need to talk about it. I have always been someone who needs a full night of sleep (read 7-9 hours) to function well the next day. I don't think I've gotten a full night of restful sleep since I was seven months pregnant. Sleeping became so difficult towards the end of my pregnancy and obviously is hard to come by with an infant. There are times I'm up with Theo at two or three in the morning feeding him, or pacing back and forth until I'm certain that he is asleep before laying back down, and I literally feel myself start to fal...

When you have a major life event happen people are quick to line up and give you their advice. They don't care what the situation is, what the backstory or history may be, or if you even want to listen to them. I remember it well when we got married and it definitely happened when I got pregnant. Between the unsolicited advice, the repetitive questions and the reading that I did, I was done hearing or taking in any information by my third trimester. I heard it all for eight months and was just as overwhelmed, if not more so, than month three or four. Are you going to breast feed? Are you doing a natural birth? What if you have to have a C-Section? Do you want to be induced? Will you stay home or take him to daycare? What about your dog, you're not going to get rid of him are you? Will you have him vaccinated? You  need to get out of the house! You need to exercise and be social! And then came all of the unsolicited advice and know it all knowledge. Breastfeed...

Wow. My pregnancy journey ended four weeks ago already. Theo Conner just didn't want to hang on until his due date so he joined the world on 3.15.18 at 1:13pm. And boy have the last four weeks been a whirlwind. Here is the story of Theo! On Wednesday March 14 Matthew and I went to work like any other ol' day. Around 3pm I called Matthew and told him I had reached my max for the day and was going to head home early. Matthew said he had a terrible headache and was also going to head home early. Wrigley needed his heartworm pill so I contemplated stopping on the way home, in the end I did stop. When I got home I took a short nap and when I woke up I had a rush of energy and was restless. I asked Matthew if he wanted to get out of here so we went to Jason's Deli for dinner. I was in a cheerful mood and joked and giggled the entire time we were out. On the way home my mom called me and when I answered I said "no mom, there is no baby yet!" She laughed and told me tha...

The older and wiser I get the more I start to loath the end of the year. It seems like once Thanksgiving ends and December rolls around everyone starts complaining about the year that is winding down and claiming to be so excited about "the shittiest year ever" ending. At one point in my life, probably not long ago, I was on that bandwagon. Every year I was thinking about how I just couldn't wait to end the worst year of my life and start a new year with a clean slate. I'm not like that anymore. I actually am incredibly irritated by all of the social media posts from people leading up to the new year about how bad the last 12 months were and they just don't see how next year could be any worse. I have personally made a very conscience effort to quite focusing on the bad shit that happened during the year, because let's face it, bad things are always going to happen whether we like it or not. I don't think Matthew and I have a caught a break in months, it...