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[Anything But] Calm

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that I am "so calm" I think I could retire early.

The truth is. I am anything BUT calm. What people perceive as calmness (in me) is really just me internalizing nearly crippling anxiety OR simply shutting out feelings. See, I feel like a broken record. Like nobody wants to listen to me because I complain about the same things over and over. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm exhausted. Blah blah blah. Part of that is me subconsciously seeking out validation for how I feel. I have this terrible habit of telling myself that the way I feel is wrong and I should be stronger and braver and MORE. More ambitious, more productive, more organized, accomplished, optimistic smarter, happier. Nobody tells me any of those things. I know its my brain lying to me, and I should tell it to shut up, but it's not always that easy.

I'm worn out. And I'm doing it to myself. I second guess myself all of the time. I have gone down the rabbit hole of comparing myself to everyone; moms, wives, friends. I'm all of these things and I don't feel like I'm good at any of them. Being a mom is hard. That's not news to anyone who is a mom. It's so hard giving your entire self to a tiny human all day everyday. I am running on fumes, and coffee, and the unconditional love and pure joy from my Theo. I am the first one to admit that I do not take care of myself and my needs often enough, and when I do I feel selfish. I feel bad for needing a break. I don't know where that thought comes from but my guess is that it has something to do with my lack of confidence. I don't have anything to prove to anyone but I'm still convinced that I have to be everything for everyone and it's stupid.

I know the answer is to be gentle with myself. To give myself grace. The anxiety stands in my way of doing so. I know this season will pass but until then.... One. Minute. At. A. Time.


 

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