I am exhausted. I have used that word loosely in the past, and have no doubt been exhausted before but I have never known it like this before. This is sleep deprivation, emotional drain, physical tiredness, constantly doing or thinking, skipped meals, and scheduling my every need around my sweet boys needs.
I absolutely know that this is what I signed up for by becoming a mom, and that I am not the only mom who has or does feel this way, but I need to talk about it. I have always been someone who needs a full night of sleep (read 7-9 hours) to function well the next day. I don't think I've gotten a full night of restful sleep since I was seven months pregnant. Sleeping became so difficult towards the end of my pregnancy and obviously is hard to come by with an infant. There are times I'm up with Theo at two or three in the morning feeding him, or pacing back and forth until I'm certain that he is asleep before laying back down, and I literally feel myself start to fall asleep standing up. It's a terrible feeling. Along with they physical symptoms, and probably even worse, is my mental state; brain fog, anxiety, self doubt, frustration, mood swings, and plenty of other things. I feel like I am constantly in go mode. I'm either taking care of Theo, giving Wrigley attention, attempting to take care of myself, or fretting over the piles of laundry, lack of clean dishes to use, kitchen table full of mail, stacks of cards I have yet to write thank you notes for, and what the hell am I going to make for dinner (or when is the last time I ate?) It's never ending, and there is nobody telling me I need to do or worry about any of that stuff except for myself. I have this expectation for myself that I need to maintain my same level of responsibility at home that I had pre Theo. It's unrealistic, and I have gotten much better about it, but it's still something that wears on me. I feel like I have to apologize for our messy home every time someone comes over when I clearly have my hands full with Theo and if someone really cares that much then they can show themselves to the door!
I've long given up the whole "sleep when Theo sleeps" thing because it just sets me up for being even more tired. There are times I doze off with him and get to catch a short cat nap which is better than nothing. I don't always use the time he is sleeping for anything other than watching TV or playing Mario on Nintendo Switch, but I have also accepted that doing so is perfectly okay. Right now I could be taking a shower but instead I'm writing a quick blog post before he wakes up for a bottle before bed. My sleep at night is interrupted as often as every hour and a half, which means I'm not getting anywhere near 8 hours of sleep. I'm lucky to get 5 some nights. Unfortunately I do think my body is getting used to this lack of sleep but my brain definitely has not. I forget things I never needed help remembering, my mood is all over the damn place, I internalize what I'm feeling as to appear strong and brave, and I utterly suck at asking for and accepting help. I don't like inconveniencing anyone because I know everyone has their own life and things to deal with. I've never been good at asking for help and what I've come to understand about this is that it has everything to do with control, and not wanting to lose that. If I ask for help I'm not in control. This is something that I'm continuously working on letting go of.
I don't know when it I will ever be back to my baseline of functioning it feel like I'm thriving rather than surviving but until then it's coffee and cat naps.
I absolutely know that this is what I signed up for by becoming a mom, and that I am not the only mom who has or does feel this way, but I need to talk about it. I have always been someone who needs a full night of sleep (read 7-9 hours) to function well the next day. I don't think I've gotten a full night of restful sleep since I was seven months pregnant. Sleeping became so difficult towards the end of my pregnancy and obviously is hard to come by with an infant. There are times I'm up with Theo at two or three in the morning feeding him, or pacing back and forth until I'm certain that he is asleep before laying back down, and I literally feel myself start to fall asleep standing up. It's a terrible feeling. Along with they physical symptoms, and probably even worse, is my mental state; brain fog, anxiety, self doubt, frustration, mood swings, and plenty of other things. I feel like I am constantly in go mode. I'm either taking care of Theo, giving Wrigley attention, attempting to take care of myself, or fretting over the piles of laundry, lack of clean dishes to use, kitchen table full of mail, stacks of cards I have yet to write thank you notes for, and what the hell am I going to make for dinner (or when is the last time I ate?) It's never ending, and there is nobody telling me I need to do or worry about any of that stuff except for myself. I have this expectation for myself that I need to maintain my same level of responsibility at home that I had pre Theo. It's unrealistic, and I have gotten much better about it, but it's still something that wears on me. I feel like I have to apologize for our messy home every time someone comes over when I clearly have my hands full with Theo and if someone really cares that much then they can show themselves to the door!
I've long given up the whole "sleep when Theo sleeps" thing because it just sets me up for being even more tired. There are times I doze off with him and get to catch a short cat nap which is better than nothing. I don't always use the time he is sleeping for anything other than watching TV or playing Mario on Nintendo Switch, but I have also accepted that doing so is perfectly okay. Right now I could be taking a shower but instead I'm writing a quick blog post before he wakes up for a bottle before bed. My sleep at night is interrupted as often as every hour and a half, which means I'm not getting anywhere near 8 hours of sleep. I'm lucky to get 5 some nights. Unfortunately I do think my body is getting used to this lack of sleep but my brain definitely has not. I forget things I never needed help remembering, my mood is all over the damn place, I internalize what I'm feeling as to appear strong and brave, and I utterly suck at asking for and accepting help. I don't like inconveniencing anyone because I know everyone has their own life and things to deal with. I've never been good at asking for help and what I've come to understand about this is that it has everything to do with control, and not wanting to lose that. If I ask for help I'm not in control. This is something that I'm continuously working on letting go of.
I don't know when it I will ever be back to my baseline of functioning it feel like I'm thriving rather than surviving but until then it's coffee and cat naps.
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