Fed is best. At least, that's what you hear people say even if they don't really mean it and are just trying to be nice. The pressure on women to breastfeed is so overwhelming. It doesn't matter what frame of mind you go into the journey thinking, you will still feel all of the pressure and judgment you told yourself you wouldn't let bother you.
I guess I don't know why it's anyone's business to know how you plan to feed your child, but it's one of the most asked questions when you are pregnant. I'm currently in a secluded office at work, pumping so I can do what needs to be done for my boy. Every time I plug in my pump and get myself hooked up my anxiety sky rockets. I could be having the calmest moment in the history of my calm moments, and the minute this machine starts doing it's work I am panicky, sweaty, racing heart, etc. I started pumping and freezing my supply back in April so when Theo started daycare he could have breast milk during the day. Due to his lack of weight gain we also started supplementing with formula in April. By the end of April I had quit breastfeeding. It's not something I talk about, and I quickly change the subject if it gets brought up in conversation. I stopped nursing for many reasons. Frustration on my end being the biggest. I also really struggled with not knowing how much Theo was getting, if he was full and when he was actually done, because if he didn't fall asleep he would latch and unlatch several times during each feeding. I was also pumping after each feeding to increase my supply. That was a task that I simply could not sustain. I was literally a milk machine. Theo was on, the machine was on, Theo was on. I felt like I did nothing else. When it became stressful to the point of tears and not being enjoyable, I decided that I would exclusively pump, supplement with formula, and continue to let others think I was nursing. Why? Because I was (and still am) so fearful of the judgment others may express either vocally or to themselves (meaning I'll never truly know if it's happening or not) I just can't remove myself from the back and forth dialogue in my head. I go from thinking I am a terrible mom for giving up on doing something for my own selfish reasons, and missing the bonding to accepting that I am doing what is best for both me and Theo. And then I circle back to my original thought of, why is it anybody's business to begin with?
Not only am I exclusively pumping and freezing, I only pump 3-4 times a day, and while my supply has dropped a little bit, it's still pretty good. I don't do anything to keep it up as far as supplements or any of those foods they lie to you about increasing supply. And one would think that with lack of nursing in between pumping it would drop quickly. Not the case. I still have limited amount of time I can go between each pumping session before my boobs feel like they're going to create a milk-splotion. I do not know how much longer I will be able to put myself through this. And I say through this because to me it is a chore. Yes, it is natural, and I did enjoy nursing and I am blessed to be able to give my baby the goodness that comes from breast milk, but at this point I feel like it has too much control on my life. It causes me un needed anxiety that I am quite certain, while normal (I googled), there is nothing I can really do to control it. I do it and I get through it and I have a freezer full of frozen milk that will feed Theo for a few more months, and the longer I go the more that stash grows. Theo is still a little dude (11.6ish pounds at 4 months) so I am fearful that he isn't getting what he needs from the routine of breast milk during the day and formula a night. If that continues to be the case then I will undoubtedly have another internal battle with myself about all of this. I never imagined feeding my baby would be so. damn. hard. #stopasking
It's really all so confusing because no matter what you do for yourself or your baby, everyone is going to have an opinion. And you're going to be exhausted trying to ignore the opinions and the judgments. At least, I am.
I guess I don't know why it's anyone's business to know how you plan to feed your child, but it's one of the most asked questions when you are pregnant. I'm currently in a secluded office at work, pumping so I can do what needs to be done for my boy. Every time I plug in my pump and get myself hooked up my anxiety sky rockets. I could be having the calmest moment in the history of my calm moments, and the minute this machine starts doing it's work I am panicky, sweaty, racing heart, etc. I started pumping and freezing my supply back in April so when Theo started daycare he could have breast milk during the day. Due to his lack of weight gain we also started supplementing with formula in April. By the end of April I had quit breastfeeding. It's not something I talk about, and I quickly change the subject if it gets brought up in conversation. I stopped nursing for many reasons. Frustration on my end being the biggest. I also really struggled with not knowing how much Theo was getting, if he was full and when he was actually done, because if he didn't fall asleep he would latch and unlatch several times during each feeding. I was also pumping after each feeding to increase my supply. That was a task that I simply could not sustain. I was literally a milk machine. Theo was on, the machine was on, Theo was on. I felt like I did nothing else. When it became stressful to the point of tears and not being enjoyable, I decided that I would exclusively pump, supplement with formula, and continue to let others think I was nursing. Why? Because I was (and still am) so fearful of the judgment others may express either vocally or to themselves (meaning I'll never truly know if it's happening or not) I just can't remove myself from the back and forth dialogue in my head. I go from thinking I am a terrible mom for giving up on doing something for my own selfish reasons, and missing the bonding to accepting that I am doing what is best for both me and Theo. And then I circle back to my original thought of, why is it anybody's business to begin with?
Not only am I exclusively pumping and freezing, I only pump 3-4 times a day, and while my supply has dropped a little bit, it's still pretty good. I don't do anything to keep it up as far as supplements or any of those foods they lie to you about increasing supply. And one would think that with lack of nursing in between pumping it would drop quickly. Not the case. I still have limited amount of time I can go between each pumping session before my boobs feel like they're going to create a milk-splotion. I do not know how much longer I will be able to put myself through this. And I say through this because to me it is a chore. Yes, it is natural, and I did enjoy nursing and I am blessed to be able to give my baby the goodness that comes from breast milk, but at this point I feel like it has too much control on my life. It causes me un needed anxiety that I am quite certain, while normal (I googled), there is nothing I can really do to control it. I do it and I get through it and I have a freezer full of frozen milk that will feed Theo for a few more months, and the longer I go the more that stash grows. Theo is still a little dude (11.6ish pounds at 4 months) so I am fearful that he isn't getting what he needs from the routine of breast milk during the day and formula a night. If that continues to be the case then I will undoubtedly have another internal battle with myself about all of this. I never imagined feeding my baby would be so. damn. hard. #stopasking
It's really all so confusing because no matter what you do for yourself or your baby, everyone is going to have an opinion. And you're going to be exhausted trying to ignore the opinions and the judgments. At least, I am.
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