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Finding The Balance

I've been having a really hard time figuring out how to balance everything I am responsible for since going back to work in June. I knew it was going to be an adjustment but what I didn't expect was the complete lack of desire to put any amount of energy into anything other than being a mom. This does not mean I wish I could be a full time stay at home mom, by any means. I think it's more of missing the time with Theo and wanting to make up for that at the end of the day when I get home, thus putting off every other responsibility I have. I don't know that this is necessarily a bad thing, but I know it could lead to some unhealthy habits; especially with my stellar ability to neglect self care and being real good at isolating. For some stupid reason I feel like I need to defend myself and that I am choosing to make Theo my number one priority because I believe that is my duty as his mom.

I can't seem to make sense of what is in my head when I try to explain it, so maybe I can get it out in written words. I don't use Theo as an excuse to withdraw from other people, or a reason to slack at work, or justify being less active in my wifely duties, or not finding enjoyment in doing all of those things. It's simply an inability to find balance and give myself permission to do so. I want to do as much of everything that I can, but I don't know how to do it. My instinct is to just take care of my baby because I won't get this time back with him. And lets be honest, he's so fucking cute that I can't resist. Then my brain plays tricks on me and tells me that I'm lazy or terrible for not doing anything else. Or, more accurately, not being able to be at home without feeling like I need to DO something productive or for myself.  You would think for as much as I repeat these tasks of washing bottles, pumping, Theo's laundry, pumping, getting ready for the next day, picking up baby and dog toys, pumping, and so on (and on and on..) our home wouldn't be such a disaster. I've definitely let go of some of this control and accepted that this is life with a baby, and will be life with a toddler, and preschooler, and school ager, and so on. It's new and it's hard, but it's going to be okay.

I haven't had the same amount of energy at work that I had pre baby either. This has a lot to do with a lot of different things, and what I'm finding is that less energy expelled=less daily stress. I'm done feeling guilty about it because I'm bringing myself back down to a level where I should be. Sure I care a little bit less, do a little bit less (as in, not above and beyond like I had been) and focus more on what needs to be done than what I wish I could get done. My heart is not as full as it once was with this position; it's been replaced with my own family and blessings. It's not to say I don't have a place in my heart for this work or this job. It's just not as fulfilling as it was before Theo, and I didn't know that would change. But it did, and that is okay.

Self Care. Why is it easier said than done? I used to be such a (self) advocate for self care and mental health days and can tell others the importance of THEIR self care, so why can't I practice what I preach? Lack of balance in this life and all of the roles that I am juggling. It's easiest to brush that off and feel like it's the wrong thing to do when there are always so many other things that need to be done. I don't know how to mindfully build self care into my day to day life anymore. I also don't know how to enjoy my self care or "me" time when I do practice it. I always find myself feeling guilty about leaving Matthew and Theo alone, worrying about Theo, or feeling like I don't deserve to take care of myself. I wanted this life so I must forge on and not feel like I need or should get a break. Except, I do. I do deserve to take care of myself without feeling guilty. I do need to spend some time away from the day to day at home. I do need to be good to me, because if I'm not good to me how can I be good to my family?

And that is the problem. I'm tired. I'm tired of always being tired, and feeling run down and burnt out. I'm tired of my brain literally never stopping. I'm exhausted from acting like I have it all together and that I'm as cool as a cucumber. I'm tired of  putting myself behind everyone else and having such high anxiety that I can't enjoy things like I want to. I want to watch a movie or a TV show without getting up to sweep the floor. I want to take a nap when Matthew is home without getting up the first time I hear Theo fuss or cry. I want to buy myself a pedicure or a new outfit without being fearful that I shouldn't have spent money. I want to start a book and actually finish it like I used to do. I want to lay in the sun at the pool and soak up some Vitamin D and not feel bad about leaving the boys inside. It would be amazing if I could choose to organize a closet or a drawer without doing so as a way to cope with my anxiety. I want to find joy and be the best version of me, because when I am I can move mountains.


 
                 ...deep-rooted need for peace and self care....

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