Broken Crayons Still Color

There are several things I'm open about all of the time. There are also some things that I am not as open about because I still believe I will be judged or shamed if I am. But, it's time for me to tell the world that pregnancy is hard. Yes I have had a very smooth 23 weeks when it comes to sickness, complications, potential abnormalities and all of that stuff. But mentally (and even physically) this experience is beginning to take it's toll on me. I don't think I have that "glow" that everyone talks about, and I honestly haven't even gained any weight except for in my belly (I hear that one often!) But what I have been internalizing and faking my way through, for several different reasons, is that it's hard. It's hard on me mentally, and it's hard on me physically in different ways. I do recognize that I had a few things against me when I started this journey (one that my husband and I chose so I am in no way saying any of this in a negative li...

I can't do it all. I want to do it all. I think I can do it all. But I can't. And I shouldn't. Especially since I am 21 weeks along with baby boy Menely. I never understood people when they said or talked about how much they just loved being pregnant. While I haven't been around or close to that many mama's to be, it always seemed like the stories they told were the next thing to a horror story. Let me tell you. I love being pregnant. That doesn't mean that it's been easy, though. I contribute this "love" to not having to experience any morning sickness, no bleeding, cramping, or other pains that required a doctor call or worry. No major food aversions or strange cravings (yet...there's still time for that one.) And other than unreal heart burn in the beginning (TUMS were my best friend) and boobs so sore it hurt to even move, I have very minimal complaints. At my check up and anatomy scan earlier this week I was still three pounds under my b...

I am starting to come out of a very dark place, one I have been in for the past 6 weeks or so. It's a good feeling, but I know it's not the end. For the last month or more it has been one thing after another. I have been going through the stages of grief without having lost anything physical (never realized that was possible) I started out being in denial that all of these terrible things could happen. It started when we lost an opportunity we had really been planning on, as it was something we were told to expect. After that blow came another lost opportunity. That's when the anger kicked in. I was SO angry. I was angry at the world, and everyone who's path I crossed. I was angry at God. I was angry at him for giving us this amazing baby boy growing inside of me, and then taking away two extremely deserved opportunities. I was really angry at all of the people involved in these missed opportunities, and I was even more angry at the reasons behind them. Both of those ...

For three years now I have been trying to figure out why people are so quick to talk about how tough marriage is, and how hard the first year is, and "oh wait until you're married and this that and the other happens." Today Matthew and I celebrate (not literally-we're old) our 3rd anniversary. In the three years we have been married, and the six months leading up to the big day, we have faced many more obstacles and challenges than you would believe. Between moving, (Matthew) starting a new job, and me being unemployed for eight months, we knocked out some of the toughest things couples go through. Of course it all came with arguments, tears, nights of sleeping separately, stress, etc., There were also a lot of laughter, love, and appreciation for each other. We weathered those storms with communication (both verbal and non verbal!) and grace, if you will. Year one of marriage was pretty great. I was finally gainfully employed, and while that job slowly started to t...

I'm not as good keeping my own secrets as I am at keeping other people's. When it's a secret that can only be hidden for a few months that kind of throws some wrenches in the as well. Plus, I'm bursting with joy inside and that is something worth sharing. On 9.12.17 I fell head over heals in love, again. Matthew and I found out about 7 weeks that we are expecting. I can't say it was planned, I can't say it wasn't planned. It was a welcomed surprise, that we honestly weren't expecting. While we had been trying we were not doing like they show in the movies, ya know, tracking my body temperature and the time of day I was most fertile. I don't know how people have time for that business, but good for them! So anyways, it was on a weekend when we found out and for that reason I peed on several different brands of pregnancy tests to just make extra sure. I did not have any of the typical symptoms (morning sickness) but I will say, my boobs have never hu...

I've been quiet lately. I have started several drafts but just haven't had it in me to finish and post any of them. It's not because I don't have anything to say, I always have plenty. I think my lack of writing has been more to do with feeling like I need to live in silence and not share my struggles with the world. Like I overshare, or give people false perceptions of who I am. All reasons that are completely ridiculous. Anxiety seemed to have hijacked my thought process and sent me into a pit of self doubt. Why would I doubt that I should continue to share my walk including successes as well as failures? I've been doing it for awhile now and have had a handful of people reach out to me to thank me (and a few who have given unsolicited advice, which is inventible.) I have been thinking a lot about this and processing why I suddenly went quiet and I came up with a few hypothesis. About six weeks ago I finished a round of group therapy. Nobody except...

Through learning to be mindful and all of that jazz I have recognized one more thing about myself that I have never been cognizant of . I've probably been doing it for quite a long time, maybe even years, without having any idea. This thing, this (bad) habit of mine that I am speaking of is believing I have to prove myself to everyone. Prove that I know what I am talking about, prove that I am a good person, prove that I know I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing, prove my feelings. Pretty much defend and back up my every thought and action. I wish that I could just do things, say things, learn things, and know things without having to put it all out there so that people might believe in me. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is constantly trying to convince people (especially idiots) that what you're feelings is real, no matter if they understand it or not? Let me tell you, it's depleting. I can't just feel or be or do without the follow up explanation. ...

Two hours ago I was almost asleep. Something woke me up and now here I am. Fighting the anxiety that is keeping me awake. I attempted my usual go to of getting my headphones and turning on my Jesus Music. After tossing and turning for an hour I got up and moved to the couch. I wasn't able to get comfortable there and my anxiety was only getting worse, so I went to the last resort, I made a floor bed. I gathered pillows and blankets and crawled underneath my newest anti anxiety tool. A weighted blanket. I have been wanting one for quite some time but they are so spendy that I just couldn't bring myself to spend the money. I had a guilty conscience about wanting to buy something so expensive when I already spend a lot of money going to therapy, buying coloring books, headphones that drown out the sound, the right clothes that help me maintain a steady body heat, and so many other little things that add up. A couple of weeks ago something told me to check eBay and I found one that...

I've been trying to sort things out in a way I could make sense of them in a blog post. I was briefly texting back and fort with a friend recently and told him that I felt like I needed to write, as it had been awhile. I jokingly asked if he had a request of a topic. He responded with "Write about something you would consider a success of yours lately, something that made you happy." What a concept! I've been trying to think of something, ANYTHING, positive to post about for awhile now. Doing so has made me painfully more aware of how much easier it is to focus on the negative than the positive. I think I was so focused on believing that being happy or feeling successful had to relate to something concrete. Like a big accomplishment at work, or achieving a goal. Because I have been trying really hard to be fully present and in the moment when I am feeling happy or excited about something I was also having trouble pointing to something that has "made me happy...

I am in a perpetual state of fight or flight. I am always going straight to negative self talk. I cry in my car and yell out loud to myself "What is wrong with me?!" I believe I am not good enough for anyone or any anything. I am a continual work in progress. I know that, but I can't always believe that. When I'm in a high state of anxiety I forget that I am doing extremely hard work. I discount all of the work I have done. I tell myself I'm not doing everything I should be doing. There is more I need to do, better ways to deal, cope, I need to be thriving instead of just surviving. I blame myself. All of the time. For everything. I blame myself for things you say to me. I blame myself for failing out of college. I think it's my fault people have walked out of my life. I search for a reason to blame myself for all of the pain, both physical and emotional, that have been afflicted on me. I take the blame for people's misunderstandings of me. I internalize...

For anyone who follows me on Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat you are likely well aware of my recent vacation. I went to the beach! I SAW THE OCEAN FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I FELL IN LOVE!!! If you haven't watched the video of me seeing said ocean for the first time, you should go check it out. I had no idea Matthew was recording me so it is a 100% genuinely real response to my reaction. It's pure joy! I was trying to think of how to relate this blog post to my anxiety but I decided against it. Instead I want to take this time to say that our vacation was EXACTLY what I needed. I was as carefree and worry free as I've been in months, if not a year or more. I only had one or two major spikes in anxiety and I was able to self regulate. I had no schedule, or routine, or agenda. I was able to go with the flow, plan my day after I slept in and ate breakfast, and actually agree to last minute ideas. Not a very common theme for me. We met up with one of my best friends, her boyfri...

My morning did not start as planned today. My car sounded like a rocket ship, my 10am work appointment canceled, and my work phone was ringing before 8:30 with a "crisis." So, once I got my work stuff situated and my car was fixed I brought myself to one of my favorite cafes in Austin to sit on the patio and work. I ordered my 4th cup of coffee of the day along with a water. Next I dug a bottle from my purse and took two pills out. One of them I bit in half and put the other half back before swallowing one and a half pills. This was my inspiration for my post. I am very ashamed of the fact that I have to take medication for my mood/anxiety. Let me take you through my journey of drugs. When I was 18-19 I was on a cocktail of medications. Mood stabilizer, anti psychotic, anxiety, sleep...I took something for everything. I probably didn't take them as regularly as I should've. I didn't know how to understand if they were working or not. But I too...

There's a part of me and my life that I keep pretty quiet, especially around people I don't know. And that is my strong belief in God and everything else that entails. Last night I was in a conversation with some people, whom I have only known for about 3 months or so. The topic somehow got to spirituality and religion. Everyone knows you don't talk about politics and religion, which I kind of think is bullshit and the reason why everyone is always angry at each other. Lack of interest in other people's beliefs or opinions along with not having the desire to listen openly is causing a lot of tension between people in this world. I shared with these people my (very different compared to theirs) belief. I shared that I was raised Catholic, going to church weekly, having my First Communion in the second grade and confirmation in high school. I briefly mentioned some church retreats and youth rallies I have attended. I didn't tell them how much I enjoyed those events ...

For many years of my life I was a "social butterfly". I was always going full speed ahead. I was constantly with people, at social events/parties, always searching for things to do and places to go. I thrived in the social arena. Even in high school I was always wanting to go out and about and do things. Whether it was going to every single sporting event, the mall, a concert, or just having my friends over. I loved it! Not so much anymore. What I feel now is that people are exhausting. I am currently on about a two week stretch of constant social interaction and events including family, work, and friends. It has left me extremely fatigued and out of sorts. I have not had the amount of alone time I need to unwind, decompress, and take care of myself. It's not anyone's fault that I have been so busy. We had an extremely busy weekend with one of Matthew's work events that left me physically exhausted and in bed for most of a 24 hour stretch. Then we had a long wee...

I've been getting asked a really annoying and hurtful question a lot lately. "Do you ever have any good days?" I've been down this road before with people, and I am learning how to tell if the person asking me is doing so out of a caring place, or if they are asking that out of a place of hate. Usually I feel like it comes from a negative place, maybe hate isn't the right word. It's really a hurtful thing to be asked that question. I understand that many people don't realize this when they ask it, but I have come to believe than many times this question is asked with the intent to hurt. Asking me "Do you ever have any good days?" reinforces so many of the negative thoughts I have towards myself. It makes me stop and ask myself if I do, in fact, ever have a good day? It immediately discounts any amount of good that may have happened that day, or the day before even. I am trying to get better at not labeling my days as good or bad and it's ha...

What is Compassion Fatigue? Is it real? Or is it some made up condition? I had a rough week last week where I was so emotionally dis regulated from running a gamut of up and down emotions. The good news is I was able to shake it off and enjoy my weekend full of activities. On Monday it all came to head and I was angry, tired, and realized I had a case of the "fuck its." I was sitting in my car before a meeting, listening to some music, and realized that I just simply do not care anymore. I don't have any shits to give about anyone, myself included. I started recounting the past few weeks of life and that is when Compassion Fatigue came to mind. I was exhausted/fatigued, and I didn't care. Surely I wasn't crazy for thinking this was a thing, was I? So, I did what normal people do and I took to Google. Here is what I found. "Studies confirm that caregivers play host to a high level of compassion fatigue. Day in, day out, workers struggle to function in care...

I just got done reading yesterday's devotion in my neat little book that I seem to take so much comfort in but still struggle to remember to read daily. This week's theme is "your growth matters" and the title of the devotion was A Safe Place To Grow. Fitting for me and my current place in life. It talks about how a greenhouse is a safe haven for a plant to grow. It goes on to say that as one pursues a life that matters it is important to have a safe place to grow. A place where you can avoid elements that stunt your growth. A place where it is safe to make mistakes and try again. Be who you are, good, bad, or ugly. Where your roots can find healthy soil and be fed, watered, and nurtured. Direct access to the light of life. Somewhere in which you are able to plant your roots and flourish in a life that is meaningful and purposeful to YOU. As I sit outside soaking up the partly cloudy sky and warm temperature; taking a much needed mental break from the day I am refl...

I don't know if you're familiar with what it feels like to have an emotional hangover, but that's the state I am in right now. Yesterday I ran the gamete of emotions. I woke up early and happy. I read my daily devotional out loud to Matthew (and Wrigley), wore a fucking dress, got to work early, made coffee, and got busy. It all started falling apart shortly after. By noon I was in full blown panic. The worst it has been in a month or more. I took my shoes off. I walked laps in my office, took a break from technology, did my deep breathing exercises, and tried my best form of distraction. Nothing worked. I called Matthew. I went home to see my dog. I changed my clothes and went to a coffee shop where I feel safe. Still nothing. I emailed my therapist. I took a Klonopin and I worked on rebounding. I got myself together and functioned well for the next few hours. Eventually it came back with a vengeance and I ended my day in tears. I wrapped myself up in all of the blankets  ...

Over the past weekend Matthew and I participated in the adventure of a lifetime without leaving the city limits.  IT was Questival! Us and three of my co workers participated in a 24 hour scavenger hunt/competition with 522 other teams. We didn't know much of what we were getting ourselves into, but I agreed to it six weeks ago and Matthew didn't have a choice :) All we had to go off of until 24 hours prior to the beginning of said adventure, was reviews from other people who participated in other cities in the US. Some of them made this sound super scary, but mostly (to me) it sounded EXCITING! We didn't give a lot of thought to it or talk much about it after we registered, until about a week before it was happening. We literally went into this thing blind. Luckily for us one of my amazing co workers had taken the day off and was able to do a little prep work. After we got the list of (261) challenges I was scrambling in my head to figure out the logistics of all of this. ...

I've been keeping a secret for about three months now. When I switched Therapists in December it was for a reason out of my control. It wasn't my choice and it's something I have not talked about to many people (or anyone, really). I have recently just finished processing the change, after speaking it out loud in a safe setting. I am very scared to write this and put it out there, but I need to be vulnerable, so here goes. The week before Thanksgiving at my therapy session, my therapist took out the DSM-5 when I sat down in his office and in many more words than I can recall or care to type, told me he had been thinking about me and my progress (or lack there of) with him, and how he started doing some "research". He asked if I knew anything about Borderline Personality Disorder. I replied that I didn't know a whole lot (although I had read a pretty lengthy memoir about it last summer) but had an idea of the basics. He asked if I felt comfortable going throu...

We did this thing.

I' wanted to post an update and couldn't narrow down what I wanted to write about. So today I'm going to hit two completely different but totally related topics. Grace. It is by the grace of God that I am where I am today. I often forget this. I had a suicide attempt 12 years ago and for some reason God decided that it wasn't my time to be with Him. I know there are several beliefs out there and many conflicting theories on where one goes if they commit suicide. Catholics believe in Purgatory and not all religions do. I am Catholic so, for the most part, that is what I was raised to believe. Suicide along with several other circumstances landed you in Purgatory and it was up to your family, friends, and the Lord himself to get you into those pearly gates. I am a spiritual person, not always outwardly and not always spiritual as I would like to be. But I consider myself as such. I also am not 100% confident about Purgatory and everything that goes along with it. Anyway...