I can't do it all. I want to do it all. I think I can do it all. But I can't. And I shouldn't. Especially since I am 21 weeks along with baby boy Menely.
I never understood people when they said or talked about how much they just loved being pregnant. While I haven't been around or close to that many mama's to be, it always seemed like the stories they told were the next thing to a horror story. Let me tell you. I love being pregnant. That doesn't mean that it's been easy, though. I contribute this "love" to not having to experience any morning sickness, no bleeding, cramping, or other pains that required a doctor call or worry. No major food aversions or strange cravings (yet...there's still time for that one.) And other than unreal heart burn in the beginning (TUMS were my best friend) and boobs so sore it hurt to even move, I have very minimal complaints. At my check up and anatomy scan earlier this week I was still three pounds under my beginning weight (I definitely was not thin or fit before so this isn't that great of news) and had no negative affects or concerns to report. The little guy was not shy about showing us that he is, in fact, a boy and it was so amazing to see his organs and bones developing inside of him.
I have learned a lot (more) about myself during the past 20 weeks as well. I have come to accept that I am indeed, stubborn (thanks, ma!) I used to deny it, thinking I wasn't "that stubborn" but I have proved myself wrong. We are a week away from moving into a bigger apartment and I want to do it myself. I don't want to ask for help. I want to do all of the packing, moving, unpacking, etc. and the fact is I just can't. Even if I was not pregnant I shouldn't want or try to do it all. I don't think I have always been this stubborn, but after years of being rejected and let down I have settled into the stubbornness. I'm also noticing how stubborn I am about work. I don't want to slow down and change how I do things. I want to keep working long days, starting at 8am and ending after 5pm, with a short day on Friday. I can't do that now, and I can't do it post baby. I need to slooooow down so when I get home in the evening I can still function enough to do the things that need to be done at home. Right now that is not happening nearly enough. I always feel guilty for putting myself first. I've dealt with this before and every time I let go of that guilt it seems like everything falls apart. Essentially it's a great way to find out who your friends are. When you start putting yourself first instead of everyone else, they all flee, looking for someone else to put them first. I hope I'm not like that (I don't think I am...am I?) Another piece of this stubbornness also relates to the good old phrase "I told you so." I don't want to hear that phrase, ever. To avoid that I do things my way without taking suggestions or advice, unless I seek it out. If you tell me I can't do something you better look out because I will be on a war path to do just that. If you doubt me I will prove you wrong. It's not that I don't want to be proved wrong, I just don't want to be doubted and told I can't. I tell myself that quite enough without having external sources feeding me bullshit. For me the stubbornness is not about power, it's about protecting myself from anymore hurt that can potentially be avoided. Not a great way of going about healing, but right now that's what's easy and what has worked.
Being pregnant is hard work and I feel so blessed to not only be pregnant, but to have a healthy baby thriving inside of me and his daddy holding my hand on this adventure. It's still surreal to both Matthew and I, and oddly enough it is easy for me to forget that I am pregnant until I try to squeeze behind a tight space or lay on my stomach, or moan and groan when I get out of bed in the morning (well, that's nothing new, but...) Not only is my body experiencing some major growing pains, my brain and mental health status is taking a trip as well. It's been all over the place- maybe even more so than pre pregnancy (thanks, hormones) which I didn't think was possible. It's been a learning curve for me as I am realizing that I need to be gentle with myself now more than ever. For me, that does not come easy, but I know I can do it.
I never understood people when they said or talked about how much they just loved being pregnant. While I haven't been around or close to that many mama's to be, it always seemed like the stories they told were the next thing to a horror story. Let me tell you. I love being pregnant. That doesn't mean that it's been easy, though. I contribute this "love" to not having to experience any morning sickness, no bleeding, cramping, or other pains that required a doctor call or worry. No major food aversions or strange cravings (yet...there's still time for that one.) And other than unreal heart burn in the beginning (TUMS were my best friend) and boobs so sore it hurt to even move, I have very minimal complaints. At my check up and anatomy scan earlier this week I was still three pounds under my beginning weight (I definitely was not thin or fit before so this isn't that great of news) and had no negative affects or concerns to report. The little guy was not shy about showing us that he is, in fact, a boy and it was so amazing to see his organs and bones developing inside of him.
I have learned a lot (more) about myself during the past 20 weeks as well. I have come to accept that I am indeed, stubborn (thanks, ma!) I used to deny it, thinking I wasn't "that stubborn" but I have proved myself wrong. We are a week away from moving into a bigger apartment and I want to do it myself. I don't want to ask for help. I want to do all of the packing, moving, unpacking, etc. and the fact is I just can't. Even if I was not pregnant I shouldn't want or try to do it all. I don't think I have always been this stubborn, but after years of being rejected and let down I have settled into the stubbornness. I'm also noticing how stubborn I am about work. I don't want to slow down and change how I do things. I want to keep working long days, starting at 8am and ending after 5pm, with a short day on Friday. I can't do that now, and I can't do it post baby. I need to slooooow down so when I get home in the evening I can still function enough to do the things that need to be done at home. Right now that is not happening nearly enough. I always feel guilty for putting myself first. I've dealt with this before and every time I let go of that guilt it seems like everything falls apart. Essentially it's a great way to find out who your friends are. When you start putting yourself first instead of everyone else, they all flee, looking for someone else to put them first. I hope I'm not like that (I don't think I am...am I?) Another piece of this stubbornness also relates to the good old phrase "I told you so." I don't want to hear that phrase, ever. To avoid that I do things my way without taking suggestions or advice, unless I seek it out. If you tell me I can't do something you better look out because I will be on a war path to do just that. If you doubt me I will prove you wrong. It's not that I don't want to be proved wrong, I just don't want to be doubted and told I can't. I tell myself that quite enough without having external sources feeding me bullshit. For me the stubbornness is not about power, it's about protecting myself from anymore hurt that can potentially be avoided. Not a great way of going about healing, but right now that's what's easy and what has worked.
Being pregnant is hard work and I feel so blessed to not only be pregnant, but to have a healthy baby thriving inside of me and his daddy holding my hand on this adventure. It's still surreal to both Matthew and I, and oddly enough it is easy for me to forget that I am pregnant until I try to squeeze behind a tight space or lay on my stomach, or moan and groan when I get out of bed in the morning (well, that's nothing new, but...) Not only is my body experiencing some major growing pains, my brain and mental health status is taking a trip as well. It's been all over the place- maybe even more so than pre pregnancy (thanks, hormones) which I didn't think was possible. It's been a learning curve for me as I am realizing that I need to be gentle with myself now more than ever. For me, that does not come easy, but I know I can do it.
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