Broken Crayons Still Color

I feel like the only way I know HOW to function anymore is in complete and utter chaos! Life has been doing a good job of keeping me on my toes. A couple of days before Theo turned one, our washing machine malfunctioned and caused thousands of dollars worth of mitigation and repairs. We have been living in a door less home (except the bathroom and our bedroom) with missing carpet padding, missing trim, and ripped up door frames or six or seven weeks now. that same weekend Theo had a stomach bug  along with my MIL and her husband. You can about imagine how much laundry that all created.  Over a week after the incident the appliance guy finally came to check out the washing machine. He told us that there was several things needing fixed and that it just wasn't worth the repair. He was going to recommend to the warranty company that they replace it. Weeks later we heard form them; they had ordered the parts and would send someone to fix it. UGH! Again, Matthew to the rescue! ...

I can't believe I  have a one year old. Not a newborn. Not an infant. A freakin' one year old. Everyone I know and every stranger I've met in the last 12 months said to me at one time or another "oh enjoy it while you can, it goes by so fast!" It's true, life really does go by fast. Add something that consumes every ounce of your energy for so long, and it goes by even faster. I am in awe every single day. I'm in awe of my perfect little boy who is so innocent, happy, silly, and loving. Watching him develop from a tiny six pound baby to an outgoing busy boy who never stops moving, playing, or jabbering makes my heart so happy. I am obsessed with the kid if I'm being honest. When I'm at work during the day he is in every other thought that crosses my mind. If someone asks me how he is my face just lights up with joy when I respond. It's also still very surreal to me that I'm a mom. I always pictures myself being a mom but I had no idea w...

**I stopped writing this post and just didn't have the energy to pick it back up. Well, here I am to see what I can make of this blog about Grace that I started so many weeks ago. Happy New Year!!! I can't believe we're already 1/3 of the way through January. I don't remember when time started going so fast, but I know it wasn't this way when I was young. I never thought I would get past the awkward and terrible middle school years, or the never ending high school years. But, here we are; cruising through 2019 already! I don't make New Years resolutions. At least, not since I was in middle school and used to write the word RESOLUTION out and make up some stupid thing with each letter. I did that because everyone else did. I attempted or had the idea of making resolutions other years between then and now, but they were never well thought out and they included the same shit like "lose weight", "join a gym", "find a hobby." The st...

I typed this on Wednesday when I was enraged. It came out of an emotional reaction. I decided to sit with it for a few days before sharing. I mean and believe everything I said. I hate that abortion is even an option. I can't keep quiet anymore. I've been in a rut lately, feeling numb. Yesterday I started feeling feelings again. But the reason is sickening. This morning when I was leaving for work I saw an article about the New York govenor signing a bill allowing women to murder their children up until  full-term pregnancy. When I read this I became immediately furious. I felt something in me that I have never felt before. I've always been pro-life I just haven't always been vocal about it because I don't need feminists to shame me. After going through the beautiful experience of pregnancy and all that it entails I am even more pissed off and disgusred by this. I heard Theo's heartbeat beat at 8 weeks and I cannot imagine aborting him because I decided he...

I am thankful. I am grateful. And I AM blessed. I am all of these things all of the time, no matter how tired or anxious or defeated I may be feeling. It isn't always easy to acknowledge these things, but they have never left. The past month or so I have been emotionally beating myself up over things that just don't seem to be clicking with Theo, in particular his eating and sleeping habits. Theo is a little squired, he was 6.14 at birth and went down to 6.2 within the first couple of weeks. It feels like he has been playing catch up ever since. He is nearing the nine month mark in age and isn't even on the growth chart curve for his age.( I take that back, the kid's head circumference seems to be okay!) He weighs in around 15 pounds, soaking wet diaper and fully clothed. He still comfortably wears 0-3 month pants and onesies. I probably wouldn't pay any attention to any of this if I didn't have someone comment "he's a fresh one" every.where.we.g...

I sound like a broken record. To myself and most likely to everyone else I communicate with. It's as if I am stuck in this season of life with an infant. I constantly beat myself up mentally for not being strong enough to be a good mom. I tell myself that I wanted to be a mom so I need to suck it up and move on with the hard days, the sleepless nights, the endless dishes and laundry and stop complaining about it. But the thing is, I don't HATE those things. I absolutely love being a mom and I would not change being Theo's mommy for the entire world. But ya'll, I am exhausted. I crave some sort of consistency and routine in my day to day responsibilities, and throwing in an unpredictable 7.5 month old (who is now mobile!) has been a tricky adjustment. I never know much and how well Theo is going to sleep at night. I never know where he's going to sleep at night. I don't know how clingy he's going to be and how much of my time I have to spend holding and rock...

I started this post a few weeks ago, and just couldn't figure out where to go with it. In the time between when I started it and now I have been extremely mindful of this and my wording around how I am feeling. And I can tell you that I feel exactly how I was hoping I would. It's almost a feeling of freedom. It's really amazing what a shift in thought patterns can do. It's not to say that I am not experiencing the crippling anxiety and all that goes along with that; but I feel much more confident in my ability to fight. Something that I say all of the time when referring to how anxious I am or what I'm feeling is "my anxiety is super high." I never realized I was even saying that but I've definitely been more mindful of it as of late. I noticed that when I own the anxiety as if it is part of me, it makes me feel less empowered. Less empowered to fight through it, accept the feelings that come with anxiety, and much less motivation to be so resilie...