Broken Crayons Still Color

Those whom I call family: It's never been a secret that I live with mental illness. I've never lied when asked if I felt depressed. I've never pretended to be okay. I was in a hospital at age 18 after attempting suicide and some of you visited me, but then it was never talked about again. I don't sit around and talk about my anxiety disorder unless it's the right time and place in a conversation. That doesn't down play or erase the fact that it is part of my every (single) day life. It also doesn't mean that you can't ask me directly if you have a question. I know most people are under educated about mental health and mental illness such as anxiety and depression, but that's not my fault. I didn't wake up one day and label myself as an anxious mess, this diagnosis has been with me my entire adult life. And I'm okay with it, so you should be too. I am not weird, I am not unstable, I am of no cause for concern. Not anymore than anyone else is...

Things have been rough lately. Very, very, rough. I had a couple of days of severe anxiety and panic attacks that left me exhausted both physically and mentally. I was in a pretty dark place for a good stretch of about 4 or 5 days and I didn't like it. I didn't know exactly what was wrong or how to fix it. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to do anything physically, I didn't want to be home but I didn't want to be in public. I fought myself to keep my regular routine and all in all I ended up losing that battle. The anxiety I experienced those few (long) days was the worst that I've had in probably two years or more. I am so incredibly overwhelmed with trying to make this life down here by myself that I just don't have any steam left. I want nothing more than to be completely unpacked and settled in so when Matthew gets here he can feel like he is home. While there are some things I can't unpack yet there are still some bo...

It's almost 6:00 pm and I've had my pajama's on for almost an hour. I got off work at 3:00 today and had every intention of getting a movie, coming home, and hiding away from the world to feel sad and each chocolate and drink wine. Today was a hard day. Today I could've used a mental health day but I muddled through and I survived. I also realized how insanely nice it was outside so when I got home I got my pup leashed up and took him for a hike. When we got done I took him to the dog park. We got a good hours worth of sunshine and exercise which seemed to have boosted my mood a tiny bit. I still put my pajamas on when I got in, and gave Wrigley a new bone to keep him busy. So here I am, watching a movie and sipping on some wine. I'm still sad. I still hurt inside, and I still want to hide away from the world. I think I've written before about how I hate to tell people when I have bad days or don't feel well because I don't want to be seen as weak. I h...

I have been working very hard for the last week to make my house feel like a home. The moving company arrived (finally!) on Sunday morning last week. Between them unloading and me unpacking it was a good 10 hour day. It was exhausting and even though I got a good share of things put away it still felt like I barely made a dent. I can say that it was so amazing to be able to sleep in my own bed again. It was probably the best night of sleep I had since leaving South Dakota. On Monday I got home from work around 5pm and didn't stop working until after 9:30. I collapsed into my bed purely exhausted. Because our home in Austin is a little over half the size of our place in Sioux Falls I have spent a good amount of time worrying about where we were going to put everything. Turns out that we got rid of a lot more stuff than I realized, and our place has more storage than it seems. I already took five boxes and one bag of stuff to Goodwill. It makes me feel good to get rid of things I kn...

I feel like I have been living my life in a cycle of mania. I can talk myself into believing that a day will be a good day. I can make a day a good day. I an have good conversations. I can smile, laugh, and be okay. I can be myself. For one day, for two days, maybe three days. And then...I'm not. I'm not okay. I am not strong, or brave, or happy. Not on the outside, and not on the inside. I am exhausted, anxious, and lacking energy or ambition. I simply want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep. And wait. Wait for the downer phase to pass. Wait for my bubbly self to come back to life. Wait for my energy to recharge. Wait until I am ready to take on the world again. At least for another two or three days. I do not, by any means, feel like I am suffering from Bi-Polar. I know enough about that to know that this is not what is happening. This is my anxiety working overtime. This is my gears grinding too hard and too fast to keep up. This is me trying to make the best out of ...