Broken Crayons Still Color

Grieving is not something I have ever been good at. It's not that I haven't suffered any loss in my life, because there has certainly been plenty (even one loss is plenty, honestly) it's something else that I can't quite put my finger on. I am fortunate in that I haven't lost a person in my life, in the sense that they are no longer physically alive, in quite a few years. The last people I did lose were older relatives, which I think is different than someone you were close to on a work and personal level. So, here I am trying to figure out how to grieve the very sudden and even more tragic loss of the closest co worker I've probably ever had in Austin. And I don't know how to grieve her loss. She was in a tragic accident on Sunday, and her name was released yesterday afternoon. It was her and her daughter in her vehicle and neither of them survived. Christa was such a bright and happy person. Sure she was 20 years older than me but our connection was perf

You know how they say the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes? I never fully understood that until I became a mom. Sure I have had plenty of experience with change before becoming a mom, but it has never so blatantly obvious every single time. Since Theo came along every little change seems to affect me way more than I can even explain. Of course it's part of the process when you have a newborn; he changes constantly and grows but it's the other stuff that seems to get to me. The milestones, the development of personality and skills and overall growth. I look at his pictures from last year at this time when we were new to the daycare process and trusting our boy with strangers we sometimes merely exchanged pleasantries with  New to juggling being full time working parents and coordinating drop off and pick up. And then we bought a house and moved to the complete opposite side of daycare which meant even more coordination and juggling. And then his teache

Look, I know everyone has a different experience with anxiety and the like. Even my experience has changed over time. Hell half the time the way I experience anxiety changes from one day to the next. The one thing that is always consistent no matter what is this; my brain on anxiety is a liar. When I have bouts of anxiety that i struggle through because I don’t know why or where it’s coming from, my brain goes in 10 different directions telling me 10 different things that I probably fucked up and that’s what is causing me to feel like I’m dying. And yes, sometimes it truly does feel that way. More often than not only one of those things my brain is yelling at me abut is (partially) true. When anxiety strikes after a situation (meaning I likely know what’s going on up there) it’s just as scary if not scarier than when it just shows up. When it’s situational it’s easier to catastrophize (I don’t know how to spell that word and spell check doesn’t either.) the whole thing. I have deta

I feel like the only way I know HOW to function anymore is in complete and utter chaos! Life has been doing a good job of keeping me on my toes. A couple of days before Theo turned one, our washing machine malfunctioned and caused thousands of dollars worth of mitigation and repairs. We have been living in a door less home (except the bathroom and our bedroom) with missing carpet padding, missing trim, and ripped up door frames or six or seven weeks now. that same weekend Theo had a stomach bug  along with my MIL and her husband. You can about imagine how much laundry that all created.  Over a week after the incident the appliance guy finally came to check out the washing machine. He told us that there was several things needing fixed and that it just wasn't worth the repair. He was going to recommend to the warranty company that they replace it. Weeks later we heard form them; they had ordered the parts and would send someone to fix it. UGH! Again, Matthew to the rescue! After

I can't believe I  have a one year old. Not a newborn. Not an infant. A freakin' one year old. Everyone I know and every stranger I've met in the last 12 months said to me at one time or another "oh enjoy it while you can, it goes by so fast!" It's true, life really does go by fast. Add something that consumes every ounce of your energy for so long, and it goes by even faster. I am in awe every single day. I'm in awe of my perfect little boy who is so innocent, happy, silly, and loving. Watching him develop from a tiny six pound baby to an outgoing busy boy who never stops moving, playing, or jabbering makes my heart so happy. I am obsessed with the kid if I'm being honest. When I'm at work during the day he is in every other thought that crosses my mind. If someone asks me how he is my face just lights up with joy when I respond. It's also still very surreal to me that I'm a mom. I always pictures myself being a mom but I had no idea w

**I stopped writing this post and just didn't have the energy to pick it back up. Well, here I am to see what I can make of this blog about Grace that I started so many weeks ago. Happy New Year!!! I can't believe we're already 1/3 of the way through January. I don't remember when time started going so fast, but I know it wasn't this way when I was young. I never thought I would get past the awkward and terrible middle school years, or the never ending high school years. But, here we are; cruising through 2019 already! I don't make New Years resolutions. At least, not since I was in middle school and used to write the word RESOLUTION out and make up some stupid thing with each letter. I did that because everyone else did. I attempted or had the idea of making resolutions other years between then and now, but they were never well thought out and they included the same shit like "lose weight", "join a gym", "find a hobby." The st