Broken Crayons Still Color

One year ago I was a month deep into unemployment. The other day I was sitting at my desk, looking out the window and wishing I had the summers off. I was immediately thrown back into last year when I DID have the summer off. It caused my mind to race and think about all of the ups and (mostly) downs of last summer. How long some of the days are, how many tears I cried, how low my self esteem was, how stressed out I was...all of the bad things. Granted there were a few good things about having the summer off...I read a ton of books, I got my wedding planned, and I realized how hard life can be. What a wake up call last summer was to me in both positive and negative ways. My mind eventually went to how much different I am this summer than I was last summer. Not only am I now employed but I have my self esteem back..(most days!) I feel like I am a real human again. I have social interactions with more than just myself, my husband and my family. I have a reason to get up in the morning ...

I have been exhausted the past two or three weeks and when I was trying to figure out why I came up with nothing. I don't stay up late, I haven't been doing any strenuous exercising (even though I should be), work hasn't been [overly] stressful, and my evenings haven't been any busier than usual. And then it hit me. I have let depression slowly creep back in and my anxiety has been higher than normal for about three weeks now. That is why I have been exhausted. People who have never experienced mental illness or have an understanding of it would think that it isn't possible to be exhausted from living. They probably call it lazy. They don't know. I haven't been depressed in the way that anybody probably has noticed. I haven't been crying, or losing weight, or overeating. I have had less energy, a racing mind, a terrible self esteem, and been crabbier than usual. I haven't been myself and even if nobody else has seen that, I have. I can't pain...

Last week was full of ups and downs for me. Mostly downs with a few ups scattered in there for a bit of relief. I feel the depression trying to wiggle it's way in the cracks and take over, and while I typically will do anything to stop that I don't have the energy to do it this time around. At least not yet. I believe that I am a person with a real [big] heart. I am about as empathetic as they come. I always want to do everything in my power to help those around me. This sometimes gets me in trouble. Not only was my heart broken last week but so was my determination. It has gotten to the point where I am tired of people, I am tired of my brain, and I am tired of fighting. I don't understand how things can be going so well, and I feel like I have everything figured out and am on a straight pathway to my next ambition and then all of a sudden I'm not. I understand there are roadblocks to everything in life. I get that. But these roadblocks have come as a result of me st...

As I am writing this entry tonight I have an 8 week old puppy on my lap trying to help me type. That's right...Matthew and I are parents to a 2 pound, 8 week old Yorkie that we call Wrigley! He is the most adorable thing in the whole entire world. Everyone that sees him agrees. I have noticed an increase in anxiety since I have fully settled into my new routine with work, home, and life. Because I don't want to use medications except for a last resort (meaning, when nothing else seems to work but before I go completely crazy) I have been trying many different things to self soothe. One of my friends sent me the Secret Garden adult coloring book for my birthday a few weeks back. I used to color ALL of the time, except the only materials I had to choose from were, sadly, children's coloring books. I didn't always mind, but they weren't always the right level of stimulation that I was looking for. The few times that I have gotten that coloring book out since I got it...

On Monday night my  husband and I returned from the most amazing vacation of our lives to date. We spent four beautiful days in Austin, Texas soaking up the city life and bonding with my cousins. Typically when we come back from a vacation it takes me days to recover and feel "normal" again. I am always so sad to be back home (more so when family is involved!). I stay quiet, I don't have much of an appetite, I just want to sleep, and I get crazy ideas (like moving!). I am so happy that this rebound was much quicker than ant I've ever in my life, I think. On Tuesday I was full of anxiety and could barely get through my work day. When I got home to my extremely messy home I didn't even have the energy to unpack and do the laundry that was waiting for me. This is so unlike me as the first thing I typically do is unpack. If it was one night way or ten, I hate having my suitcases laying out full of stuff. I did what I could to ease a bit of my anxiety and spent the r...

With Easter being two days ago I thought I would update how my 40 days of Lent went. First of all I had a wonderful Easter with my parents, sister, and my husband. It was the first Easter that we didn't get together with extended family OR have to drive 3 hours back to Aberdeen after eating a huge Easter meal and wanting to take a nap! It was a very laid back Easter with beautiful weather that aloud us to spend the afternoon outside. My parents, husband and I went to church on Easter morning. I have always enjoyed Easter mass because of the extra energy it seems to bring with it. Everyone is always cheerful and wearing such bright spring colors. We always get to church about 20 minutes early so we can get "our" pew and to listen to the music. As the church started to fill up I felt myself becoming mildly panicked. I tried not to focus on the fact that people were closing in around me and just listened to the music and prayed that I wouldn't have to scoot any closer to...

When I went to get my physical with my new doctor in Sioux Falls this past January I told him about my anxiety disorder. I gave him a brief overview of my past few years dealing with it and informed him of my PRN med that my doctor in Aberdeen had given me. I told him I would be starting a new job the next week after not working for 8 months and I was fearful hat my anxiety would amp up with the change. I started taking my PRN a couple days into my new job. I took it at night before bed because I knew it made me sleepy. I had no problems when I took it. When I tried to quit taking it the anxiety was full fledged and I had some bad days. Long story short I am back on a daily anxiety med. I have been for two months now and things seem to be improving for me. When I first went back on the daily meds for the first time in almost 3 years I felt defeated. I felt like I had lost my battle and I was going back to the beginning to start all over again. After talking to a friend who also suffe...