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Standing Up/Breaking Down

Last week was full of ups and downs for me. Mostly downs with a few ups scattered in there for a bit of relief. I feel the depression trying to wiggle it's way in the cracks and take over, and while I typically will do anything to stop that I don't have the energy to do it this time around. At least not yet.

I believe that I am a person with a real [big] heart. I am about as empathetic as they come. I always want to do everything in my power to help those around me. This sometimes gets me in trouble. Not only was my heart broken last week but so was my determination. It has gotten to the point where I am tired of people, I am tired of my brain, and I am tired of fighting. I don't understand how things can be going so well, and I feel like I have everything figured out and am on a straight pathway to my next ambition and then all of a sudden I'm not. I understand there are roadblocks to everything in life. I get that. But these roadblocks have come as a result of me standing up for what I believe in and being made out to be "wrong". As a Human Services major working towards her ultimate goal of becoming a licensed social worker I believe I care about people. If I didn't care about people I wouldn't have chosen this field. I wouldn't be so passionate about helping the populations that most people wouldn't give the time of day to.What I learned last week is standing up for myself has gotten me worn down. I'm to the point of not caring about myself or anyone else, and that is never a good point to be at or to try to bounce back from. I had two breakdowns in the matter for 48 hours.

While my mind races and my heart breaks I have no energy in me to heal. For now I am just going to be. I cannot fight, not today.

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